Someone To Love You Better
by GirlWednesday
Summary: "I'm a physicist not a father." Shamy/ Lenny Pairings. I originally wrote this story about three years ago. After rereading it, I wanted to make so many changes/ improvements. So, I've deleted the old version and started a shiny new rewrite. Same plot, hopefully much better writing!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey, I originally wrote this story just over three years ago. I'd always been pleased with the ideas I had, however after rereading it, I was unhappy with the quality of writing. The plot will essentially stay the same, however, ive tweaked it a little to give it a new lease of life and hopefully an improvement.**

Howard Wolowitz lay out on his sofa, drink in hand and photo frame held close to the chest. Sighing, he held it at arm's length, studying the picture it held. "Oh, Bernie, where did all the time go?"

The house was silent, far too quiet for him.

If someone had told him about this on his wedding day, he would've laughed. After all, they were going to spend the rest of their lives together! This was only true for Bernadette.

The loss of his mother had been gut wrenching, but the loss of his wife? Well, that was earth shattering. Tears threatened to surface, yet, he blinked them back, just like he did everyday. Grieving was one thing, but falling apart was not something he could let himself do.

He focused on the mantelpiece, keeping his eyes on the picture in the middle. This wasn't just any old photograph; it was the last time they were pictured together before he lost her. They were smiling, despite the fact, Bernadette was drawing closer to the end- this much was obvious from her skinny frame and deathly pale complexion. Howard didn't care how she looked, to him, she would always be perfection.

Stood between them was their daughter. To his surprise, he found himself smiling. For fourteen years old, his girl was wise beyond her years. Thirteen years old when the photo was taken, she had had to crouch down to match the height of her short parents. Her mousy brown hair had been pulled into a messy bun and she had taken off her glasses especially for the moment. Bernadette hadn't changed her mind about having children, more so, the decision was made for her. Even so, Bernadette had loved her with all her heart.

They named her Clare, a simple choice, but perfectly fitting.

He looked at the glass of scotch in his hand and shook his head. Howard had never liked this particular drink, however, in times of crisis, he needed something strong and alcoholic. The doorbell brought him back to the present moment. Looking over at the door, he smoothed down his hair and secured his dressing gown. "It's open."

Howard painted on a smile. "Hey man, how you doing?" He hoped he sounded cheerful.

Raj was unconvinced. Since the death six months ago, he had been well aware of his friend's inner turmoil. Despite constant deliberation, Raj was still no closer to working out how to help his friend. "I joined a dating website." He paused, "So, things are okay... I guess."

"Any matches yet?"

"It's a bit of a slow burner."

Howard relaxed into a laugh. Even after all these years, Raj's search for love was still ongoing and as disastrous as ever. This wasn't to say that he hadn't changed. Over the years, Howard had witnessed many changes in his friend. He had progressed far in his career. Although he had remained at Caltech, he had slowly but surely climbed the ranks, eventually gaining status as head of the Astrophysics department. Raj had also temporarily got over his fear of talking to women and for a while, this was perfect. However, after a tricky divorce five years ago, his confidence had been shattered; meaning he heavily relied on alcohol once more.

The physical changes were also visible. Over the years, Raj had taken up regular gym sessions. This much was obvious from his perfectly toned arms and legs, something which Howard was secretly envious of. His hair had grown notably longer too, so much so, he often wore it in a pony tail.

"Hey, I know what will cheer you up." Howard said.

Raj rolled his eyes and flopped down on the sofa. "Dude, I'm doomed to be stuck on the shelf forever! I'm no different to a jar of mayonnaise that everyone's forgotten about"

Dismissing, his previous thought, Howard, opted for a simple slap on the back. "Hang in there buddy, some girl will eventually you sexy."

Picking up a cushion, Raj placed it over his face. "Was that an insult? It felt like an insult."

Howard suppressed a laugh. Raj always cheered him up. The past six months, he had had nothing but sympathy. All he wanted though was normality and that was exactly what Raj provided. Opening his mouth to speak, Howard found himself cut short by the doorbell.

Standing up, he reclaimed the cushion and placed it down. "Who knows, it could be your ideal woman at the door." He winked.

Raj turned away from his friend and picked up the remote.

Reaching the door, Howard turned to face Raj. "Remember my no rom-com rule." He warned. After receiving a reluctant nod, he pulled open the door.

Leonard stood on the porch, shifting his weight from foot to foot. Howard noted the look of unease across his face. "Hey what's up?"

Taking a deep breath, Leonard gestured to the hallway. "Mind if I come in?"

Howard pulled the door wider. "Sure. Hey, are you alright? You look awful." Howard anticipated a tale of one of Leonard and Penny's usual arguments. "If you need to stay here tonight, you can use the spare room."

Leonard bit down on his bottom lip, he and Penny had briefly discussed what he would say, but now as he stood there, it dawned on him, just how unprepared he really was. "No it's not that." He looked around the room. "Is Clare here?"

"No, she will be soon, why'd you ask?"

"It's um..." Leonard paused, becoming increasingly anxious. "Listen, buddy, I got no idea how to tell you this and believe me, I've thought about it, I mean really thought about." Once more, he trailed off and diverted his eyes to the ground.

"C'mon, Leonard. How bad can it be?" Howard attempted to sound sure of himself. He failed.

Feeling brave, Leonard opted to get straight to the point. There would be no sugar coating or attempts to soften the blow. After all, it seemed impossible. "It's Sheldon." He blurted the words out and let them hang in the air.

Howard stiffened, his jaw clenched and his fingers curled into a tight fist. "What about him?" His words were calm, yet somehow, this made them more threatening.

"He's back in Pasadena." His previous confidence had left as soon as it had come and his voice was barely a whisper.

"Why now, after all these years?"

Leonard held his breath for a second or two, he noted how Howard had visibly paled and that Raj was sat bolt upright. "He'd read about Bernadette's death and he wanted to..."

Howard quickly interrupted. "He wanted to what?"

"I haven't figured that out yet." Leonard admitted.

He's coming nowhere near Clare! You got that? He will not see her or speak to her, I swear to God, if he as much as tries, I will..." He thought for a moment. "Just... just tell him to go."

Raj, who had been silent throughout, stood up and walked over to where they were."I'm with Howard on this one. Do all you can, just make this go away." He hoped Leonard wouldn't argue with him.

Leonard looked defeated. "I don't think I can. It's out of my hands."

A look of intense rage burned like destructive fire in Howard's eyes. "He's nothing to her. Nothing!"

"Howard, you're being unfair." Leonard was unconvinced by his own words. "Let's just talk about this and see if we can work it out."

Howard held up his hands, shook his head. "No. She's my daughter and I decide what's best for her. Not you and certainly not him."

There was a painfully long silence. Raj looked down at the ground and Leonard fiddled with his jacket's zip. Three loud knocks however, brought this to an abrupt end. Howard sighed to himself, knowing what was coming.

"Dad?"

Three more came.

"Dad?"

After the third time, Howard walked over and let her in. He scowled at her, albeit unintentionally. "Use your key or, use the door bell." The words were wasted, she ignored him and strode into the house, their significant height difference painfully apparent.

She beamed. "Hi Uncle Leonard, Uncle Raj." Raj offered her a small wave.

Leonard was the first to speak. "So, Clare, how was your day?"

She shrugged. "Tedious, the whole education system has been watered down, would you agree?"

Howard stepped in. "Clare, lets not go into this now." A hint of irritation was present in his voice.

Oblivious to her Father's worry, she changed the conversation. "The food is bad too, I've eaten nothing since breakfast and now I'm starving."

He painted on a smile for her benefit. "Well kiddo, I'm sure I can make you something. Now, tell me, what do ya fancy?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Anything but brisket."

"Right ok, no brisket."

Giving him a quick hug she swung her bag over her shoulder and made her way up the stairs."I'm gonna get changed.

Leonard glanced up the stairs after her. "She certainly has no problem with affection."

Howard narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms as he did so. "Meaning?"

"Meaning she just hugged you."

"She never has had any issues, she's just a normal kid."

Leonard gave him a slow nod. "Listen Sheldon is staying with Penny and me, so I just thought..."

"Yeah well you thought wrong." It was clear Howard would no longer keep the conversation going.

Defeated, Leonard held his hands up to end the debate. "Right I'm sorry, I'll go."

Howard merely nodded in agreement, holding the door open for his friend to leave.

Raj waited until he heard Leonard's car pull away before he spoke again. "Howard?"

"I'm fine." He insisted, he sat on the sofa and swiftly changed the channel.

He gestured to the stairs where Clare had been a minute previously."Do you think he wants to see her?"

Howard shrugged. "This is Sheldon we're talking about, who knows what he wants." He pretended to watch the Television, desperate to push the thought out of his mind. Whatever happened, he knew his world was about to unravel.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Rewrite:**

Clare had lost count of the amount of times she had fallen out of bed in the past year. A particularly scary nightmare would hit her like a tidal wave and that would be enough to wake up with an alarming start. She pulled the duvet off herself and placed it back onto the bed, taking a moment or two to steady her breathing.

She brought her knees up to her chin and hugged them close. Clare had grown used to this by now. Once there was a time where she would've called out and her mother would've been there in an instance.

The times where she would forget were the worst. For a second, maybe even two, she would expect to hear her mother's footsteps rushing down the hallway. The silence soon reminded her that her mother was gone. Clare knew Howard would want to be there for her; however no one brought her the same comfort that Bernadette had.

No one's hugs would ever feel the same.

No one could dry her tears quite like she could.

No would ever be able to convince her that all was right with the world in the same way she did.

Yes, her mother was gone and if she wasn't there to help her through the nightmares, then Clare felt better off alone. For as long as she could remember, Clare had suffered with crippling night terrors that often left her too terrified to sleep. There were nights where Bernadette would hold her in her arms, stroking her hair until she did manage to fall asleep. When they were at their worst, this would be a nightly ritual and often Bernadette would sleep in Clare's room, just so she wouldn't feel so scared.

A lonesome tear escaped out of the corner of her eye, she brought her hand up and promptly wiped it away. However, a second soon made an appearance, which was promptly followed by a third. She couldn't deny them and if she was being truthful, she didn't really want to. They were for her mother and if her mother wasn't worthy of her tears, then who was?

There was only one person who was able to comfort her in the weeks following her mother's death. She remembered at the funeral she had met a woman from Texas called Mary. She had never met her before however Mary seemed to know her.

There had been one person who had brought comfort to Clare in the weeks following her mother's death. It had been the day of the funeral and Clare had locked herself away in the ladies restroom at the memorial service that had followed the burial. A tissue was passed thorough a gap in the bottom of the door, accompanied by a comforting Texan accent that said: " _I'm so sorry for your loss darlin'. You've never met me before, but my name's Mary and I know that your mother was one special lady. I'd really like to get to know you a little, so how's about you come out here and let me see your pretty face_?"

Clare had always been wary of strangers, maybe a little awkward; however there had been something about this woman that had drawn her out of the stall and straight into her warm embrace. Clare couldn't really explain the instant connection she had felt to this woman, but there was something about her that seemed warm, maternal even.

Mary hadn't tried to persuade Clare to come back out and be with the other mourners, as she would've expected her to, instead she held her hand for as long as Clare needed her too; and boy, did she need it. It was clear that Mary held strong religious beliefs. Clare had never been a firm believer in type of religion herself, of course, her and her father would loosely stay true to their Jewish heritage, but for the most part, Clare was more scientifically minded. Despite this, she hung on Mary's every word, drawing comfort in the fact that Bernadette was with the angels now and they would one day be reunited in heaven. After their chat was over, Clare had witnessed Leonard and Penny talk to Mary later on in the day. Howard hadn't approached her at all however. When Clare had asked him about it, he had shrugged and said that she must have been an old friend of Bernadette's.

Clare never did see her again.

A light knock on the door broke her train of thoughts.

She wiped away the tears that stained her cheeks and offered them a small smile. "Sorry Dad, it was just another nightmare." She sniffed and gestured for him to sit down next to her.

Howard placed an arm around her shoulder and pulled him into her. If he was being honest with himself, he didn't know what to say. Bernadette had always dealt with the emotional side of things, whereas, he had always been more focused on being the fun parent and now he was at a loss. A small stuffed animal caught his attention and he bent down to pick it up. "Hey, do you remember this, baby?"

She turned her head to look at the cuddly koala she had had since the age of five. Despite her low mood, she couldn't help but smile. "Jazz!"

Howard raised an eyebrow, looking at the toy in amusement. "Yeah, what was with that? Most kids would've gone with fluffy or something cute like that."

"I named him Jazz, because he was just so jazzy."

"And you couldn't have just gone with an ordinary teddy?"

"It's a bear of sorts, just not a teddy."

Howard could remember the day she had got it clearly. Bernadette had seen a commercial on the television advertising a new doll on the market. This doll had been described as every little girl's dream; she came with her own doll's house and ten different outfits, each with matching accessories. Bernadette set her heart on buying that perfect doll, imagining that Clare would have hours of fun with it. It wasn't until they got to the mall that they realised that Clare was much more interested in the koala, which was being sold in the shop opposite to where the doll was. The loving parents had honoured their girl's wish; however, Howard could tell that Bernadette had been a little bit disappointed.

"You wanna stay here today?" He asked. "If you can't face school, you can stay home with me. I'll make you pancakes and we can watch funny Youtube videos all day. You know, the ones with monkeys riding skateboards?"

For the first time that day, she took a proper look at him. Since her mother's death, it wasn't uncommon for Howard to spend all day in a darkened room, unshaven and in his robe. Today was different though, his hair was combed and the stubble he usually had was nowhere insight. She could tell his clothes had been freshly ironed too. On closer inspection, she noticed that he had brought his vesper helmet into the room and had been clutching the keys. "Were you going somewhere today?" She asked.

"Back to the university, I figured it was about time and I don't know how much longer they can keep my job open for me, but if you need me here, then I will just call them and..." His sentence was cut short.

Clare shook her head. "No, this is good, this is really good."

"You sure?"

"Of course I am. It's great that you feel ready to return. You go to work and I'll be brave and go to school, deal?"

He squeezed her hand. "Okay deal, we'll make each other proud."

"Just like we always do." She replied, letting him help her to her feet. "So, are you going to be building rockets today?"

"Uh no, not quite."

"Do you think you'll ever go into space again?" She continued to hold his hand as they made their way out into the corridor, letting go when she reached the bathroom door. "I heard that NASA is planning a load of new missions, maybe they'll ask you to go?"

"I don't have any plans. I think I have enough responsibilities down here on earth."

Clare looked thoughtful for a moment. "Maybe, it's for the best." She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, taking him by surprise. "After all, space is dangerous, what if you get kidnapped by aliens? I wouldn't want you to be cut open and experimented on."

"I think I'll take a pass on that too." He smiled. "Hey, could you crouch down a little? Getting a little cramped down here."

She lowered herself so that her head was resting on his shoulder. "I don't want you to leave me, ever."

He pulled away from the hug, so he could get a proper look at her. "You don't have to worry about me."

"Promise you'll look after yourself? Because you know, with the long family of heart disease, you can never be too careful."

"Right, I shall bear that in mind at lunchtime."

"Don't get fat and die on the toilet like grandma did."

Howard cringed, remembering the embarrassing way he lost his mother. "Believe me; I do not want that anymore than you do." He quickly changed the subject. "Right, you get ready for school and I'll go make you breakfast. Be quick, or your tea will go cold." Before she could say anymore, he made a swift exit down the stairs.

Clare crinkled her nose. Her father made the worst cup of teas. There was always too much milk and not enough sugar - In fact, neither one of them were any good at preparing any sort of food or drink that wasn't microwavable or out of a packet. Bernadette or her grandmother always used to prepare the family meal and now that it was just Clare and Howard, they would more often than not be found at Leonard and Penny's eating takeaway. On they days where they didn't order out, they would experiment with bizarre recipes made using random ingredients found in the cupboard – some would be a success and others a disaster.

After a quick wash, she stood in front of the bathroom mirror and sighed. She hated being so tall, especially when the rest of her family were so much shorted than what she was. Moving away from the mirror, she quickly got dressed. She had always considered herself quick and efficient and now was no exception.

Upon reaching the kitchen, Clare was surprised to see that Howard was still in the house, waiting for her. "Shouldn't you be getting to work?" For a moment she worried that he was going to back out. "C'mon, Dad. You can do this!"

He twirled his Vesper keys around his finger. "Can't a guy take his kid to school?"

"You mean on that?" She gestured to the Vesper through the kitchen window.

"You see any other way?"

She chewed her bottom lip, a look of doubt across her face."You're not allowed to take me on it."

"It was your ma that wouldn't let ya. I'm cool with it if you are."

She was unconvinced. Clare was never one to break the rules, even if the one that put them in place was no longer there to enforce them.

"It's either that or walk." Howard added.

Reluctantly, she nodded. "Ok does this count as an amendment to the unwritten rules?"

"Yes, yes it does."

"So if anyone asks, we had a verbal agreement."

He sighed, rolled his eyes, but even so, he humoured her. "That is exactly what we will tell them. There's no way they would ever question us."

Clare beamed, picked up her school bag and swung it over her shoulder."Then it's a deal." She moved quickly towards the door.

He placed a hand on her shoulder."Aren't you forgetting something?"

She looked confused, gave a defeated shrug. "No?"

"Breakfast?"

She looked over at the kitchen counter and spied a bowl of now soggy fruit loops and a cold cup of tea. "Hmmm yeah, I think I'll hold off until I get to school."

He decided not to argue with her, Bernadette was always the assertive parent. He had taken the more relaxed approach and was now struggling to show his stricter side. Throwing over the spare helmet, he led the way outside.

oOo

Clare slowly approached her transport. She took a moment to inspect the tyres and then circled it. Satisfied, she climbed on and secured her helmet. Howard didn't dwell on the reasons why, if giving the Vesper a mini inspection would make Clare feel safer, he certainly wouldn't question it. The ride to school was a slow one, with Clare on the back, he took no risks. Despite this, Clare still screamed at the top of her lungs, clinging onto her father as if she was about to be flung off at high speed.

Once they had arrived, she climbed off and shot her father a look of disapproval. "You drive like a maniac, we could've been killed!" When she took off her helmet, Howard could see she had gone bright read in the face, beads of sweat dripping off her forehead.

"I was going at like half the speed I usually do. Honestly, baby, you're perfectly safe."

"Do you know how many people are killed on these roads each year?"

He glanced his watch. "Hold that thought, gotta dash, but do tell me tonight."

Leaving her no chance to respond, he sped off down the road, picking up the pace to his average speed. Confident that he was out of her eye's view, he slammed his foot on the pedal and accelerated further, determined to make up for the time lost. Within the blink of an eye he had brought his bike up to an alarming speed, not even slowing down for bends or speed bumps. Arriving at the university he slammed his foot down, bringing him to an abrupt stop, sending him forward. Steadying himself, he pulled off his helmet and tried to get his breath back.

"Thank cow for that!" Said a familiar voice from behind him. "From where I was standing, it looked like you were about to wrap yourself around a lamppost."

Howard turned and came face to face with Raj. "Yeah, well, it was actually pretty awesome."

"Try telling that to the people who have to scoop your smooshed body off the sidewalk."

"Wow, Raj, this really is some welcome party you've got going on here." Howard said. "Honestly, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a decent welcome off his best pal?"

Raj's features softened, his tone becoming less harsh. "I gotta admit it is nice to have you back, Leonard is great and all that, but there are only so many times I can talk about Penny and Leonard Junior." He said. "He still can't get over the fact that Lenny has inherited his looks and Penny's IQ."

Howard nodded. "I guess when he said that their children would be smart and beautiful, never saw it going the other way."

"I try to reassure him. I say hey, he's only two, he can get smarter, but he's just so whiney!"

"Well, I dunno, I think it's pretty obvious how intelligent they are at that age. I mean, by the time Clare was two, she had already solved her first Rubik's Cube."

Raj held the door open for them to enter the building and they headed up the first flight of stairs. "I still can't get over that she beat me at monopoly when she was four!"

"Dude, just let it go."

He shook his head. "How can I? She keeps reminding me!"

"What can I say? That girl of mine has a brilliant memory!"

"Id love to have an eidetic memory, you'd never have to study for anything and you wouldn't have to make shopping lists." As soon as he has said the words, he had regretted them.

"Hey! She doesn't have an eidetic memory, ok? It's just very good."

Raj held up his hands in a show of defeat. "Ok, yes, it's just very good."

Howard nodded and quickly reached the top of the stairs. "Anyway, I gotta get to my office. I'll probably see you at lunch time." He left Raj no chance to reply as he rushed off up the next flight of stairs and into the corridor he needed.

oOo

Howard walked into the office. He breathed a sigh of relief, he was finally here and he hadn't backed out. He took a moment to take in his surroundings. The walls had been given a fresh lick of paint and the person who had been filling in for him had rearranged the furniture. Other than that, it was just as familiar as it always had been.

He reached into his backpack and pulled out a picture of him and Clare. He smiled and placed it down on his desk, before unpacking his laptop.

He was soon interrupted.

"Dear Lord, you still work here? Even after all these years? You'd think that in all this time there'd be some career progression by now."

Howard didn't turn to face them. He didn't have to. "Well, if it isn't Doctor Whackadoodle." He felt his shoulders tense.

"I'm guessing this is hostility?"

"No, I'm thrilled to have you here."

"Sarcasm?"


	3. Chapter 3

It had been fourteen years since Sheldon had been at Caltech University. He had already encountered Barry Kripke within the first ten minutes of entering the building. Sheldon had expected a mass of questions similar to the ones he had received off Leonard, however, far from wanting to know details about his mystery disappearance, Kripke was quick to bring Sheldon up to speed on how he received tenure and a hefty pay rise shortly after Sheldon's departure. Yes, Barry Kripke had truly landed on his feet and Sheldon was seething.

Whilst thinking about all the changes his friends had gone through in his absence, it occurred to him just how little Leonard's life really changed. He had stayed in the same department at the university and had only managed to venture across the hallway to move in with Penny. This had struck Sheldon as odd. Leonard had once told him about hopes for him and Penny to eventually move to a proper house, just outside the city to raise any children they may have. It was almost as if he had put himself on hold these past fourteen years. Although, Sheldon had learned over the years that people can be surprising. After all, he was surely proof of this? All those years ago, if someone had approached him with the ridiculous notion that he would one day abandon his apartment and job without a moments notice, he would've told them to not be so absurd.

He would've asked them why on earth he would've wanted to leave.

His hair cut records was there.

The comic book store was there.

The model train store was there.

He had finally learned to trust the mail man.

Yet, somehow, he had done it. He had surprised everyone and most of all he had surprised himself. Going to a whole new place had been daunting. It would've been daunting for anyone; however, he took longer to adjust to his new surroundings. Moving from Texas to Pasadena had been bad enough. Crossing the Atlantic was a whole new concept to get used to.

There was a huge part of him that felt bound to Pasadena and there was another that was desperately pushing him to leave, telling him to run and never look back. It tested his morals and brought out emotions that were once alien to him. Everyday he would remind himself that regrets are not something he should have, but every other day, the guilt would tap him on the shoulder and remind him just what he gave up.

What could he say about the new life in Europe he chose?

He had to get used to the different accents.

He had to adjust to the different time scale.

He had to learn to live a different lifestyle.

It had taken him years to adapt and if he was to be completely honest with himself, he would probably say that he never fully had.

There were times where he would listen out for the flush that would never come when it should've been Leonard's allocated time in the bathroom, he would have Babylon 5 on in the background and would adjust the thermostat just to make it feel like home. His new life had allowed him to have his own way completely, but there was still a part of him that missed the conflict it took to achieve it.

Looking around the university, it was hard to believe that it looked so much like it had the last time he was there- Sheldon put this down to a lack of funding and probable budget cuts. This familiarity was comforting, it gave him hope that things hadn't completely moved on without him.

Looking at his old friend now, Sheldon would've had to have admitted that Howard was the person who had changed the most. It was hard to believe that it had only been fourteen years that had passed. His hair was beginning to grey and Sheldon could just about see the fine lines starting to form across his forehead. One thing that had stayed the same was his loves of bright colours; however, the turtle necks had been replaced by round necks and his trousers were considerably baggier than what they had once been. In fact, Sheldon would've gone as far as to have said they were modest.

Howard turned to face him. "Why now?" He asked. "Why, after all these years?"

"I see no reason why I shouldn't."

"Clare! Maybe? Did you not think what kind of affect this would have on her? How much something like that can mess with a kid's head?"

A disapproving frown spread across Sheldon's face. "Clare?"

"You gotta problem with that, because, if I remember rightly, you didn't exactly have any better suggestions at the time?"

"I'm just saying it's a bit meh, don't you think? It hardly shows off intellect."

Howard pulled out his desk chair and sat down, shaking his head in disbelief. "My God, you really don't change, do you?"

"I beg to differ." Moving onwards, his eyes were drawn to the photo frame that sat on the desk. Without waiting for permission, he picked it up and studied it. "So, here's the face to the name. She looks like..." He stopped, passed it back over.

Howard nodded. "Yes, yes she does. " He held the frame close to himself, turning the photograph away from Sheldon. "Listen Sheldon, I can't pretend to know why the hell you would think it was okay to just turn up like this, so just tell me why and then get out."

"It may not make sense to you, but I assure you my reasons are valid." There was a pause. Howard remained silent, hardly daring to move the conversation forward; however, he didn't have to. His office door swung open and in walked a third party. "Have you ever heard of knocking?" Sheldon said.

Leonard ignored his comment. "Where have you been? I told you to wait in the cafeteria, I was gone like five minutes and you were gone! I told you, if you were going to be here, you can't just walk around like you used to, you're no longer employed here!"

"Oh Leonard," He rolled his eyes. "You may have told me to stay there, but did we have an agreement? At which point did I tell you that I would comply with your request?"

"Well uh..."

"Did I or did I not agree to what you asked?"

"Well, no I just assumed that you would."

"You assumed wrong."

Frustrated, Howard stormed passed them and pulled open the door. "Seriously, just get out. Catch up on fourteen years of lost bickering elsewhere." He glared at Leonard. "Just look at you, even after all these years, you're still running around after him, like he's some sort of royalty."

Hurt, Leonard took a step backwards. "Don't be like that."

He lowered his tone. "I didn't mean it. Could you just get him out of here, like seriously, I am done with this conversation."

"Now, hang on there one moment, we have nowhere near even touched upon any of the proposed topics." Sheldon protested.

Leonard took hold of his arm and guided him out. "C'mon, this is not the time."

Howard slammed the door and locked it behind them.

"Well, that was rude." Sheldon said.

"You have got to be kidding me right now, like seriously, tell me that's a joke." Leonard couldn't help but despair. "You do know how wrong that was, right? Did you not even think to talk to me?"

"I've had to make a lot of decisions without you, Leonard. Now is no exception." Before Leonard could reply, Sheldon's phone began to ring. "Excuse me, Leonard, I must get this."

"No, just leave it for now, we need to talk."

He shook his head and turned on his heel. "No, you misunderstand me, I've really got to get this." Leaving his friend with no chance to respond, he made a hasty exit down the corridor and around the corridor. Confident he was out of eye's view, he took the call. "Hello?" He paused allowing the other person to speak. "I have yes." He took another pause, holding the phone closer to his ear. They've done a good job, from what I gather she's happy." He frowned at their reply. "Well yes considering what happened to Bernadette, she seems happy." After a few seconds the frown turned to a smile. "Goodbye, I'll see you soon."


	4. Chapter 4

Clare wouldn't admit it, but she had become deceitful. She had told her father that she would go to school; however, she secretly had no intention. It started off with missing one or two classes here and there, however, soon it became full days, where she simply wouldn't turn up at all. She had never been keen on school, but now her mother was gone, it was too much to bear. She no longer enjoyed the work. What was the point in getting good grades if she could no longer make her mother proud? The teachers and classmates were sympathetic, but it was of little comfort to Clare.

To begin with, her teachers had been lenient with her. In the days and weeks following Bernadette's passing, they had turned a blind eye to the odd skipped homework and a missed lesson. As time went by, they became more concerned and had made various attempts to make contact with Howard to discuss the matter properly. They sent many letters, all of which Clare had intercepted long before he could place his hands on them. She had also tampered with his phone, blocking the school's number, so they wouldn't be able to reach him.

Now that Howard had returned to work, Clare contemplated spending her day at home. After some debate, she decided to go where she always went – a place she felt safe. When Clare thought of graveyards, she always use to conjure up a spooky environment, where it always rained and there was always something lurking in the shadows, ready to jump out on their unsuspecting victims. The reality couldn't have been more different. This place almost seemed too serene. The sun was out, beaming down onto the headstones and the grass was freshly cut and bright green in colour. Clare would spend hours there, just talking to her mother. She would tell her everything about how Howard was coping, what was new with Leonard and Penny and even the latest celebrity news. She was pretty sure that Howard never visited. If he did, he never mentioned it and there were never any flowers other than the ones that she brought. She understood though, she knew that a soulless slab of marble wouldn't bring him any comfort.

She heard the crunch of gravel from the path.

She looked up. A woman had come to a standstill in front of her and the gravestone.

"Uh, hello?"

The woman smiled brightly. "Oh hey, is it Clare? Bernadette's daughter?"

Clare looked the woman up and down. She was immaculate. Her hair was a chocolate brown, with subtle red highlights and an envious shine to it. Her make up was striking, Clare looked at her eyeliner, wishing she could make hers as neat; her lipstick was a dark red, that complimented her hair and brought out her eyes. She was dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a blue T-shirt, which was accompanied with a pair of high heels, which Clare could only ever dream of being able to walk in.

"Do I know you?"

The woman's smile wavered for a second, but she quickly concealed this. "Uh no, you don't, I'm an old friend of your mother's, I was just passing through and thought I would just..." She held up a bouquet of lilies and gestured to the grave.

"Oh right..." Clare got to her feet and stepped to the side. "You take as long as you need, I'll leave you to it."

The woman reached out, put a hand on her shoulder. "No, don't go, she was your mother after all."

Clare painted on smile, wishing she could be more confident when meeting new people. Thanks, I'm sure she'd be pleased you were here." She said. "Hey, how come I've never met you before? Did you lose touch with her?"

The woman got to her knees, placed the flowers on the grave. "Unfortunately, it had been many years since I'd seen her, and when I heard she'd died, my only wish was that I'd hadn't left it so late. You think there's all the time in the world and then they're gone." She patted the ground next to her. "You wanna sit down?"

She nodded, taking a place next to her. "Did you say what your name was?"

"Uh, no. It's May."

"I like May, it a good month."

She laughed. "It is, isn't it?"

"I love your makeup, where did you get the lipstick from?" Clare asked. "My Dad says I look pretty without it, but all the other girls in my class have started to wear it everyday."

She reached into her purse and pulled out three lipsticks and a clear lip gloss. "I brought these with me from a shop in London, there's one make up counter I'm particularly attached to." She brushed her hair out of her eyes. "I never used to have much interest, but Anita, the lady that works on the counter, she converted me."

"Well, you look pretty."

She reached into her bag and produced the rest of her collection. Clare couldn't help but be in awe of all the expensive brands. It was obvious May would never have considered buying her cosmetics from the local bargain shop at the mall. "You wanna try some?"

She hesitated for a moment. "I don't know. I always look stupid when I try to wear make up."

"Let me put it on then, it just takes practice." May said. "The key to good make up is getting the right shades. You have a very similar colouring to me, so what I have should suit you." She picked up a make up brush and a pot of blusher. "You're skin is very clear, so all you'd really need is a bit of colour in your cheeks."

Clare leaned forward and allowed her to apply the makeup.

"Now you don't need much. All you need is a make up brush and you get a little bit of blush on it and apply it down the cheekbones." May leaned back to get a better look at Clare. "There, that's perfect, mind if I?" She gestured to her glasses. Upon receiving a nod, she reached over and removed them. "Hmmm, are your eyes green or blue?"

"It hard to say, I guess they're a bit of both?"

May picked up her eye shadow palette and selected a golden brown shade. "Trust me on this; these will really bring out the colour of your eyes." Putting it on, she smiled, nodded her head. "Oh yes, that's perfect."

"You really think?"

"Oh I know." She unscrewed her mascara and applied a thin layer. "Your eyelashes are quite short, so these should make them stand out more. I have short eyelashes too, but once I wear this, nobody really notices.

"Thank you, I wouldn't be any good at this."

"Oh, we're not done yet. No look is ever complete without a lipstick. You know, I'm surprised Penny never taught you this." Once, she said it, she instantly regretted it. "I mean, I didn't know her too well myself, but from the times I met her, she seemed like the type of woman to like this kinda thing."

Clare shrugged. "I'm only just old enough to wear it and I don't think she's really thought of it, because of what happened to mum." She was keen to move the conversation along. "Can I wear the colour you're wearing?"

May shook her head. "My partner says I'm wearing my hussy lipstick today, although I do enjoy my more adventurous choice today, I think a girl like yourself would be much better suited to a lighter pink." She showed her the choice. "How about it? I think it will suit you."

Clare nodded.

With a steady hand, she expertly applied the lipstick, followed by the gloss. "There, done." She presented her with a compact. "Take a look?"

Clare placed her glasses back on and peered at her reflection. "Wow, I look..." She trailed off.

"You look gorgeous." May finished.

She nodded. "I love it." She frowned. "Although, I hate my glasses, they ruin it, don't they?"

"No, not at all, they make you look smart."

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to wear them."

May gave Clare a sympathetic smile. She gestured to the rucksack next to her. "Forgive me for asking, but shouldn't you be at school right now?"

Clare wasn't going to deny it. She knew she had been caught out. Even so, she still zipped up her jacket to conceal her school blazer. "Technically, yes. Yes, I should."

There was a few moments, of silence, realising the Clare wasn't going to elaborate, May proceeded forwards. "You wanna talk about it?"

"I hardly know you."

"Maybe that's the beauty of it. Sometimes, it is so much easier to talk to a stranger than those closest to you." She said. "Wouldn't you agree?"

Clare was hesitant, a woman she didn't know was offering her the chance to say how she really felt, but yet, she didn't seem to want anything in return. "Why would you do this? I mean, you hardly know me."

"Even so, you seem like a sweet girl."

After a moment for thought, Clare decided to go for it. "My head, it's just been crazy these past few months. I can think of nothing else and I can barely sleep, I certainly can't go to school."

"Grief is a terrible thing, Clare."

Defiantly, she shook her head. "No, it's not that. I get it, ok? I get that she's gone. I had a very long time to get used to and come to terms with the fact that she was going to die, but this? No I just can't deal with what happened, what she said, or even why." She continued. "And you may judge me for this, but I'm angry, I am just so, so angry."

May was stunned. That hadn't been what she was expecting. "Well, uh... what did she say?"

She dipped her head. "She told me the truth, when I would've been better off going the rest of my life not knowing." Her voice was barely a whisper.

May looked behind her. Several visitors were now surrounding a headstone nearby. "Oh honey, we can't talk about this here. There's a cafe down the road, it's warm there, we can have a drink and you can tell me all about it."

Clare didn't care how little she knew this woman. The burden had become too heavy and she needed to tell someone. "Yes, please. I would like that very much."

May held out her hand. Clare accepted it.

oOo

Soon enough, May and Clare were stood in line.

"Can I get you anything?" May asked.

"Do they sell strawberry quick?"

Surprised, she raised an eyebrow. "You like that do you?"

"I don't understand those who don't."

They moved to the front of the queue. "Hi, yes, can I get a strawberry quick and a green tea." She turned to Clare. "Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm good thank you." In truth, she was starving, but didn't want to take too much off her.

"Yes, that would be it then." May said to the woman behind the counter. The young waitress prepared the order and placed it down on the counter.

Taking a seat in the far corner, Clare fiddled with the label of her bottle, and then brought her eyes up to meet May's. "You know, my Dad doesn't even know what she told me. All this, time, I've kept it from him."

"Whatever, it is, Clare, don't feel like you can't speak to him." She placed her hand on top of Clare's. "He loves you very much, but if you still can't tell him, I promise you, it stays between the two of us."

"I guess he's never wanted me to know. I think he's been terrified that it will change things between us."

"Just take it slow." May encouraged. "You only have to say what feels right."

Clare nodded, pushing the memory to the forefront of her mind.

 _ **Six Months Previously:**_

 _Clare looked down at the floor, tears streaming down her face. She clenched a balled up tissue in her hand, gripping it so tightly, it hurt. She always knew this day was coming, but why did it have to be today?_

 _A hand on her shoulder made her jump. "I'm very sorry, sweetheart." The nurse apologised and handed her a fresh tissue._

 _She wouldn't look up. "Have you spoken to my Dad? He's got to be here, he's got to be here soon."_

" _I've called him. I promise you, he's on his way."_

 _She choked back the tears, willing herself to stop crying. "My mom, is she in pain? Will it hurt? I don't want it to hurt!"_

" _She won't feel much pain now. She's been given some pretty strong medication. We've done all we can to make her as comfortable as possible at this time." She paused. "All you can do now is go in there and be with her. If there's anything you need to say, now would be the time."_

 _She took a deep breath. "Does she know what's happening to her? Does she know that she's not going to..." Unable to continue, she stopped._

" _Your mom knows, she's not scared, she just needs you to hold her hand until it's over."_

 _Wordlessly, Clare got to her feet and made her way towards her mother's room. Closing her eyes, she pressed down on the handle. "Be brave for mommy." She told herself, blinking away the tears once more. Entering the room, she felt as though her feet would collapse beneath her. She had seen her mother like this countless times, except this time, there was no hope of improvement, zero chance of bringing her home._

 _Her statue like stance was broken by her mother's voice. "Clare, is that you?"_

" _Yeah, it's me." Her voice was shaky. Bernadette held out her hand. Clare took it and perched on the edge of the bed. "You can fight this, can't you?" Clare knew this was a pointless question; she had already fought for so long and so hard. There was no fight left in her._

 _Bernadette gripped her hand as tight as she could manage. "You got so tall."_

 _She forced a laugh. "You didn't."_

 _Bernadette gave a weak smile, which was soon replaced by a stream of tears._

" _No, Mom, please don't." Clare begged. "It's okay now, I'm here, and you don't have to worry."_

" _How am I meant to leave you and Howie?"_

" _I'll make sure Dad is okay, we'll look after each other, I promise."_

 _Using all her strength, Bernadette reached out and placed a hand on Clare's cheek. "Listen to me, baby, I need to tell you this." She let out a raspy cough. "I can't go like this. I can't leave knowing that I lied to you all your life."_

 _The sudden admission threw her off guard. "But... But, you haven't lied to me." She paused for a moment, letting the words sink in. "Mom, you haven't, have you?" She began to wring her hands._

" _You must understand, she couldn't cope and he wasn't able to love you like Howie could."_

 _She slightly raised her voice. "I don't understand!"_

" _I'm talking about your parents -Your real parents." Bernadette whispered, her voice becoming evermore hoarse. "Please forgive me; we wanted to protect you from it. We really didn't want you to love us less because of it."_

 _Clare shook her head, becoming increasingly distressed. "No, stop, it's the pain medication! It's making you say crazy things." She began to sob, grabbing hold of Bernadette's hand. "No, Mom! Please tell me it's not true."_

" _You are our baby, Clare. You were a week old when they left; we've raised you as our own."_

" _No, no, no." She covered her ears and began to rock back and forth. "I am yours. I've got to be yours!"_

" _Please, baby, don't be angry, not now." Her voice had faded to nearly nothing and slowly her eyes began to droop shut._

 _Clare looked over at Bernadette, her hysteria momentarily put on the back burner. "Mom?" She looked at the monitors, they were still going. She watched as the heart rate began to drop. "Mom, can you hear me? Clare lightly shook her shoulder, listening to the slow in her breathing. "C'mon, mom. Open your eyes for me! Just give me a little bit longer; I need just a tiny bit longer."_

 _The door swung open. In walked Howard with the doctor following._

" _She won't wake up." Clare ran across the room and threw herself into her father's arms. "Daddy, she's not talking anymore, she can't hear me."_

 _Howard rubbed her back, looked over at the doctor. "Is this it now?"_

 _The doctor walked over to Bernadette and examined her, reading the monitors and checking her notes. "She's very weak now, Mr Wolowitz." He finished taking her pulse, placed her hand down. "Her body's starting to give in, she's unconscious now."_

" _Will she wake up again before she..." His voice broke and his eyes filled up with tears. "Oh God, Bernie." He placed a shaky hand over his mouth, unable to control the shock._

 _The doctor slowly shook his head. "It's unlikely that she will regain consciousness now. She's at the point of no return." He picked up his clipboard. "I'm truly sorry, Mr Wolowitz. It will be very quick now." With a sympathetic nod, he left them to say their goodbyes._

 _Howard pulled up a chair, and gestured for Clare to sit down. "Sit down, you look like your about to faint." He took her hand and helped lower her down. "Did you say what you needed to say, baby?"_

 _She looked over at her mother's still form. That's when it struck her, Bernadette had not told Howard about her plan to reveal the truth, and he was totally oblivious to what his wife had just done. "Yes, we held hands, we told each other how much we loved one another and then she closed her eyes." The lie left a bitter taste in her mouth. "And that was it."_

 _Howard walked over and picked up Bernadette's hand. "I'm so sorry I was late, Bernie. I tried to get here, really I did." He looked at the monitor, noting how everything was slowing down; he knew it wouldn't be long before it wouldn't be enough to keep her going. "I'm here now, I just hope that when you go, you will know that I was here, right here, holding your hand." He bent down and lightly kissed her lips._

 _With that, the monitors changed from an intermittent beep- beep to one flat sound. They both watched as the screen flashed zero and her breathing could no longer be heard. The same doctor walked back in and silenced it. He looked up at the clock on the wall. "Time of death, seven – twenty, two."_

" _No!" Clare cried out._

 _Howard came over and wrapped his arms around her, placing a kiss on her head. "I'm sorry Clare, your Mom's gone." Daddy's here now, I'll always be here for you. Never forget how much I love you."_

 _Clare realised then, that there was no way she would ever let him know exactly what she had found out that night._

Clare stopped talking and wiped away a tear. "And that was it. I've been pretending that I don't know and he doesn't suspect a thing."

May's jaw had visibly dropped, he eyes widened. "You mean, she told you? She actually told you?" She exhaled loudly. "Wow that was not something I would ever have thought she would do."

Clare merely nodded. She got to her feet and gathered her stuff up. "Thanks for listening and everything, but maybe this was a bad idea. I've said way too much."

"No, of course not. I was never a bad idea." A hint of desperation was present in her voice. "Would you like to take my number?"

She shook her head. "No, listen, I'm sorry for putting this on you."

"No, I don't mind, really."

"Thank you." She repeated once more, making her way over to the door. "You've been very kind."

Just as she was about to open the door, May called out to her once more. "Clare, wait." She said. "Just one question, please."

She sighed, nodded. "Go on then?"

"Your parents? I mean your real parents. If you were here now, what would you say to them?"

Clare shrugged. "I wouldn't say a lot because I know nothing about them. I wouldn't know who they were. I could have passed them in the street so many times and just not known it was them." With that, she turned on her heel and left the building.

May sighed and sunk back down into her seat. "Damn contact lenses." She removed them and replaced them with the glasses she had been keeping in her pocket, and out of her handbag, she produced a thick cardigan and shrugged it on. The last thing she did was replace the killer heels with a simple pair of flats.

The door swung open. She glared at the person who walked in. "You're late! I told you to be here ten minutes ago. I wanted you to meet her too!" She crossed her arms.

Ignoring the comment, he took the seat opposite her. "Was she suspicious?"

"No, I told her my name was May."

He smiled. "An anagram? Nice work, I'm impressed."

Amy shot him a look of disapproval. "Don't! It felt horrible. Do you think I like deceiving her, telling her lies the first time I meet her?"

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, Howard was in no mood for talking. He was pretty cranky."

She leant forward, lowered her tone to a whisper. "She knows Sheldon, she knows."

"You told her?"

She shook her head. "No, Bernadette did. She's got no idea who we are and Howard doesn't know that she knows that she's adopted."

"Oh my, that is complicated."

"Tell me about it."

For a while, they just sat there in silence, allowing the information to slowly sink in.

"Hmmm"

"Hmmm what?" Amy asked

He gestured to her third finger on her left hand. "You're not wearing it."

She reached into her pocket and produced a silver engagement ring and slipped it on. "It's a perfect fit."

"I should think so. Let me tell you, getting the neatly stacked clump of carbon, shaped like a tiara was no easy task.


	5. Chapter 5

Penny sat on the sofa, photo album in hand and baby son on her lap. She sighed and turned another page. "And this here is when Mommy went to Disney land with her best friends." She said. "We were Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping beauty." She pointed to the picture next to it. "You see this one here? Now this one is my favourite. This was the Christmas we took Raj on girl's night."

Lenny picked up his teddy bear.

Penny ruffled his hair. "I shouldn't really do this to myself, but I do miss my girls." Penny had found it hard to admit, but she had been lonely with Amy and Bernadette. There was once a time where she couldn't imagine her life without them, but now she was living it. After Sheldon and Amy left, the group never discussed them openly. It was only once they were behind closed doors that Leonard and Penny would dare raise the subject.

Leonard had always complained about Sheldon's weird and ridiculous habits, however, by far, he had been hit the hardest by his friend's departure. There were days where he would wait by the phone, hoping it would ring and every time the door bell rang, there was always a small part of him that hoped it would be his friend. Months went by and Leonard would still continue to live his life as though Sheldon was still there, right down to going to the bathroom at set times and keeping the thermostat at the level that Sheldon had left it at – After all, he didn't want to have to struggle to get back into these habits when Sheldon eventually came home.

The not knowing had got to Leonard the most. He had no idea where he was, or what had happened to him – It hurt that Sheldon had seemingly not given him a second thought. In the year after the departure, Leonard would range from being raging angry over the selfishness of the situation, to inconsolably heartbroken. Leonard had wanted to forget about Sheldon. Whilst thinking clearly about it, he would tell himself that if Sheldon had thought so little about their friendship, then surely, he should just move on. It didn't matter how many times he tried to convince himself, he still missed him daily and constantly wondered where he was.

Penny had felt helpless to begin with. In the end, she decided on making a big intervention. One day when Leonard was at work, she had used her spare key to enter the apartment. Whilst there, she packed up Leonard's belongings and moved them all into her apartment. When he arrived back, she had remained firm, her home was now his. Leonard agreed, somewhat relieved that he would no longer have to spend his days listening out for a key in the lock. In time, he rented out the apartment and had become more focused on his new life with Penny. Despite this, Penny could tell that he never quite gave up hope.

She turned to a picture of Bernadette. "You know, aunty Bernadette would've loved to have seen you now. She always thought you were so cute."

Three knocks on the door caused Lenny to look up from his toy. "Clare?" He asked.

"Not quite." Penny waited until the ritual was completed. She placed Lenny down and answered. "I've missed you, but I haven't missed that. She moved to the side to let him in. He walked over to the sofa, lifted Lenny out of his spot and sat down. Undeterred, the child crawled onto his lap.

Penny watched on, a smile slowly gracing her lips."Awww Sheldon! he likes you."She waited for the inevitable moment where he would push him off. To her surprise, the moment never came. Suppressing the urge to question him, she took a seat. "Leonard called. He's been looking for you."

"Really, that's odd?"

"Why is that odd?"

"Well, you'd think that if wanted to find me, he would've called my phone, not yours."

She sighed, rolled her eyes. "Check your phone."

He reached into his pocket and did as instructed. "Six missed calls." His tone was unapologetic.

"Are you not going to call him back?"

"He'll be fine."

Penny bit down on her tongue in restraint, resisted the urge to argue and then changed the subject. "So, Leonard said you spoke to Howard. Was that a good idea?"

Ignoring her question, he pointed to the photo album. "What have you got there?"

"Oh it's just uh... its nothing really... sometimes I just like to..." Embarrassed, she blushed, avoiding eye contact. "It's just after everything that's happened; I like to have something to remind me."

Passing Lenny over to her, he pulled the album onto his lap and began looking through the pages. "Oh my, you really have aged. Look how much weight you've put on since then." He pointed to a picture taken the day of Howard and Bernadette's wedding. "I also preferred you hair blonde, why'd you dye it brown?"

Penny took a deep breath, mentally counted down from ten. "Just turn the page." She said through gritted teeth.

"Here's a more recent one." He commented.

She peered over his shoulder. "Oh yeah, I like this one a lot. It was taken the day Lenny was born."

"Yes, I got that." He took in the details. Penny was centre stage of the photograph, she sat upright in her hospital bed, Lenny held in her arms. To her right, Leonard was perched on the edge of the bed, arm around her shoulders, a wide grin on his face. Over to the left, stood Beverly, a look of horror across her face- Sheldon didn't blame her, Raj had draped himself over her, planting a kiss on her cheek; Sheldon would've asked why if it hadn't been for the empty bottle of champagne visible in his hand. Over to the other side was the three strong Wolowitz family. Neither Howard nor Bernadette were looking at the camera, nor did they seem to be interested in the newborn – They're eyes remained firmly on Clare. He turned to face Penny."I'm not one for reading emotions but that look Wolowitz has in his eyes, I'm guessing adoration, devotion?"

She ran her fingers through Lenny's hair and bounced him up and down. "If you had children, maybe you'd understand it. If you'd stayed, looked after her, loved her in the way he did, you would know that feeling."

Sheldon remained silent, un-reactive to her words.

Sensing she had gone too far, Penny pondered over how she could move the conversation along. She gestured to the picture of Bernadette. "She looked so happy there, she had no idea that in just over a year she would be..." She stopped herself; saying the words aloud was always painful.

"My condolences."

A look of anger flashed in Penny's eyes. "That amazing woman gave the last fourteen years of her life to raising the child that you were too flawed to love and all you can say is my condolences?"

"It seemed a perfectly standard method of comforting someone who had just suffered bereavement."

Penny exhaled loudly, pulling Lenny closer to her. She knew he hadn't been deliberately insensitive, but after fourteen years, she was finding it difficult to make the allowances that she used to. "I know. It's just kinda hard to accept she's gone."

He thought for a moment, trying to work out what the best thing to say."There, there. Who's a good Penny?"

She relaxed into a laugh, picking up the album again. "Sheldon, sweetie? I wanna ask you something."

For a moment, he appeared hesitant – so far he had divulged very little information about his life after Pasadena. Leonard had, to an extent, accepted it. After all, he had ran out on him before, what was to stop him doing it again? "Very well, ask away." He agreed.

She turned the page, found what she was looking for and passed it over. "

He looked at it, then brought his eyes up to meet Penny's. "I'm sorry, but I don't see what you're trying to get at here."

"Talk to me about her." She said.

"What's there to say that you don't already know?"

"But that's the point!" There was a hint of desperation in her voice. "I know nothing about her now. It's been fourteen years and I have no idea what happened to her. She could be dead for all I know."

Sheldon scoffed. "That's a bit far. She's hardly an elderly woman nearing the end of her life." He closed the album.

"What aren't you telling me?" She demanded.

"Why does everything have to be a conspiracy? You never used to be this suspicious."

"You don't fool me! You left a week after she did. I know you followed her, and even though we've never been able to find either of you, I know you, you would've have found her easily." She paused, waited for a response -When none came, she continued onwards. "You've been here a week and we've not got a word out of you about any of it. Leonard may be happy to just let you stay here with no explanation, but I want answers."

"What possible gain is there from knowing Amy's exact whereabouts?"

"Peace of mind? We've spent the past fourteen years wondering what happened." She looked him in the eye and held his gaze for much longer than what he felt comfortable with. "We didn't know how to cope, the first few years were spent wishing you would come back, but then, as Clare got older, there was also the fear that you could turn up at any moment and rip her life apart!

"Are you suggesting that's why I'm here now? You think that I've come back just to upset her?"

"That's not what I meant, that's not what I meant at all." She said. "This is one hell of a thing to get my head around; maybe if you told me more about Amy, I'd be able to understand why this is happening. I mean is she in on this too? Have you spent the last few years together?"

"I fail to see where this is going or what you mean."

"Do you have any idea how lonely I've been? I had the two most amazing friends and if there's a chance I could see one of them again, I really need it. You didn't think about that though, did you? Your selfishness took one of my friends away."

"Dear Lord, you really do say the most ridiculous things." He replied, rolling his eyes. "She left before I did; it wasn't my idea to leave!"

She shifted Lenny onto her hip and pointed at him accusingly. "That's your problem right there; everything has to be just so damn simple with you! She may have left first, but it was you and your stinking attitude that pushed her into it. She would've loved to have raised Clare with you, I'm sure she spent many nights fantasising about a perfect little family life with you, but no, you screwed it up."

For a moment, Sheldon was lost for words. "Penny I..."

"You screwed it up! You knew you were unable to be a father, you had your own twisted view of how terrible it would be and you stood by that so strongly that eventually Amy started to believe it too."

He looked down at the ground. "It was never like that, I never told her to leave."

"That's just it, Sheldon. Other people don't see things as black and white as you do. You left her alone when she needed you most. You made her feel that what happened between the two of you was something to be ashamed of and that the baby was too. So, no, you may not have said the words, but she certainly got the message."

"That's not how it was, I..."

Penny cut him off mid sentence. "That's exactly how it was." Now that she had started, she couldn't stop. "She was less than a week old; she was a tiny, adorable little baby and you couldn't even bring yourself to hold her."

Sheldon stood up, suddenly angry. "Then surely I did right by her?"

She took a step back, stunned. "What?"

"What you're saying is I'm selfish, I didn't care and I couldn't show her any love or affection, because of how awful I supposedly was." He proceeded onwards. "Tell me Penny, is that the kind of father you'd want for Lenny?"

She shook her head. "No, he has Leonard, who loves him more than anything."

"I think we might just be getting on the same page."

Penny was confused. "I'm sorry? How exactly are we on the same page here? Are you trying to get out of this conversation by distracting me with bull crap?"

"Quite the opposite. You want your son to have a loving father figure in his life; well that's what my daughter got, and she got it, because I made sure she did."

"But that wasn't you! You weren't the loving father figure." She said.

"I was smart, Penny. I considered myself brilliant at many things, but I knew that I was not suited to fatherhood, just like you would never be able to grasp theoretical physics; Howard, on the other hand? Now, he had the smarts in that area to raise her right."

She nervously chewed her bottom lip unsure of how to respond.

After a few moments of silence, Sheldon picked up his rucksack up off the floor, scooped up his clothes that had been neatly folded on the arm of the couch and threw them in. "I believe it would be best if I left."

"No Sheldon, you can't just..."

He paused by the door. "Although, Penny, don't be so quick to judge me based on who I was fourteen years ago, a lot has changed since then." Not waiting for a response, he swiftly closed the door behind him and with that, he was gone again.

Penny looked at Lenny and sighed, a regretful look in her eyes. "Daddy will go mad when he gets home."


	6. Chapter 6

Sheldon rubbed at his neck. The night before had been sleepless and uncomfortable. He stretched his legs out and sighed.

Amy looked up from her breakfast. "Everything alright there?"

"What sort of a question is that? Of course I'm not alright." He replied. "We did sleep in the same bed last night, didn't we?"

She shrugged. "I didn't find it that bad. I guess we get what we paid for."

"Just because adequate lumbar support isn't included in the bill, that doesn't give them any sort of a right to subject their guests to such hell." Sheldon readjusted his position in his seat. "And don't even get me started on these chairs."

"You chose to stay here last night." She pointed out.

"Yes, I did. That is true."

Amy was taken aback by how reasonable he had swiftly become. "That's very mature of you, Sheldon."

"However..."

She sighed, suddenly losing her appetite, she placed down her toast. "I knew it was too good to be true." She muttered under her breath.

"What I did not choose was for the people in the next room to have their TV volume right up, nor did I choose to find pubes in the shower, and I certainly didn't choose to be placed opposite the couple who never close their curtains, whilst...well, you know what I'm talking about."

Amy knew Sheldon well. Whilst she accepted that he was indeed bothered by all of that, she couldn't help but suspect that there was more to it than he was currently revealing. "C'mon now." Her tone was firm. "What's this really about? Don't lie to me, something happened after you left the diner yesterday, and that is why you won't return to Leonard and Penny's."

He waved a dismissive hand. "Nonsense. After your meeting with Clare yesterday, I just presumed you were in need of some company. You're a woman; all women like to talk about emotions and stuff that happens in their day. Am I wrong?"

"Most people would say that was sweet, but I know you're not that considerate." She crossed her arms. "We can make this easy or we can make this hard. So, stop pretending you're here for me and admit that your actions were actually quite selfish."

"Now, that was just uncalled for." In that moment, he could've been likened to a sulking teenager.

"It would only be uncalled for it wasn't true."

Sheldon opened his mouth to protest, however, he was stopped in his tracks by a female voice from behind him. "As much as I hate to say it, Shelly; I'm gonna have to agree with her on this one. Maybe, if you'd been a little less self centred, I'd be a Memaw to a beautiful fourteen year old girl, instead of just some lady she met at her Mom's funeral."

Despite falling short on his ability to read social cues and emotion, it was immediately obvious to Sheldon how the usually kind voice now had an icy cold edge to it. Although he may never have admitted it, it was an unnerving feeling for him. Instead of turning to face her, he kept his eyes on Amy. "You called her?"

Ignoring his comment, Amy got up out of her seat and greeted their visitor. "Mrs Copper, thank you for coming."

"Well Amy, thank you for inviting me, it's obvious that Shelly here wouldn't have even thought to have called."

Sheldon stood up and pushed in his chair. "My God, this is absurd, the terms of our agreement are that you will get a monthly phone call and a twice yearly visit, on the condition that you have zero contact with mine and Amy's child and that you deny all knowledge of our whereabouts."

Mary took her a deep breath. Her emotions were close to the surface and ready to overflow at any moment. When he was a young boy, despite how much she said it or showed him, he never seemed to be aware of how much she loved him – If she was to be totally honest, she'd always been unsure of his love for her. Whilst her other children would seek affection and quality time, Sheldon always seemed more interested in academic work and science fiction. Her mother had reassured her that once he had children of his own, he would one day understand – It was these words that stood out in her mind the most on the day Sheldon had given Clare up. "Shelly don't you go talking like that, I'm your mother and I want to see you more than twice a year." She paused. "And anyway, that agreement became useless the moment you returned here."

"Mother, could we not do this? I have had enough of this relentless, intrusive questioning." The defeat in his voice was palpable. His shoulders had slumped. "I can't do this anymore. I'm going back to England." He looked over at Amy. "I encourage you to do the same."

She shook her head. "No, not again."

"We're never going to be welcomed back into her life, can you not see that?" He asked. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I do believe this conversation is over." Keeping his eyes on the door, he took long strides across the room, making a quick exit.

Neither Amy nor Mary followed him; however his mother was determined to get her point across."I'm not going to leave. As long as you're here, I will not give up on you."She didn't care how much noise she made, or what attention it drew to her, all that mattered was that he heard.

"You know, his hearing is pretty good, there was no need to yell." Amy replied.

Mary turned, placed a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "Let's sit down, we'll go up and see him when he's had a chance to cool down." She guided them back to the table. Once seated, she asked the question that had been on her mind ever since their return. ""What are you doing back here, honey? It's been so long, why now?"

Amy held up her left hand for her to see the ring.

"Well, isn't that just..." Mary wanted to be happy for them, but she couldn't help feel that the current situation had somewhat clouded the happy announcement.

"It's taken us a long time to get here, you should know better than anyone how stubborn he once was about these kind of things."

Mary nodded. "Yes, I know him all too well." She said. "And for all his faults, I love the boy to pieces and if this will make him happy, then Amy, you have my full blessing." She paused for a moment, looked Amy in the eye. "Although..."

"Although what?" Amy struggled to hide the defensiveness in her voice.

"All I wanted to say was that you know how flaky he can be when it comes to relationships." Mary hated herself for saying it, but she knew she had to. "So all I'm saying is you have to be one hundred percent he's in this with you. If there are any doubts, please don't go through with it."

She crossed her arms. "It's not as if this is a short relationship. I met him nearly twenty years ago; do you honestly think that if I had any doubts about him I'd still be here after all this time?"

"All I'm saying is, darling; you saw how easy it was for him to leave his own daughter. I'm not denying that he's certainly come a long way in the last few years, but I'll never be okay with how little he cared for that girl." She slowly shook her head. "No, it just wasn't right. I can't excuse it."

Amy brought her head up and made direct eye contact with her future mother in law. "Alright."

"Alright, what?"

"I'm going to prove you wrong."

"I'm his mother, I know that boy inside and out."

Amy stood, pushed her chair in. "Then you won't mind coming with me? If you're right, then surely, it wouldn't hurt to just see what I've got to show you."

Mary merely nodded.

Amy gestured to the door and took purposeful strides towards it. Mary followed closely behind her, walking along a corridor and up two flights of stairs. Coming to a standstill outside a room, Amy reached into her pocket and pulled out a swipe card.

"So, is this where you have been staying?"

"Yes, Sheldon approached the others immediately, but we're taking it slow at the moment, so nobody knows I'm back."

Pushing open the door, the women stepped into the darkened room. Sheldon lay out on top of the bed sheets, watching the television. Mary walked over to the curtains, pulled them open and let the light flood in. Sheldon squinted for a moment, allowing his vision to come back into focus.

Amy stood at the foot of the bed. "Sheldon, give me your wallet."

"You've got your own money!" He protested.

"Sheldon, just give it!"

"Why?" He demanded.

Amy crawled onto the bed and before he could think, she had already reached into his pocket and retrieved what she needed. "Take a look at this." She threw the wallet over to Mary.

"What am I meant to be looking at?"

"Mother, give it back." Sheldon moved to get up, however Amy climbed onto his lap, holding him in place.

"Look in the third card holder down, take out the Oyster card and it shall be under there."

"Mother, no!"

Amy clamped a hand over his mouth. "Would you keep quiet?"

Doing as instructed, Mary produced a tattered piece of paper from out of the wallet. She looked at it for a moment. "Oh Shelly..." For a moment she was lost for words. In her hand she held a photograph of Clare, taken when she was a few days old. "Did you take this before you left?"

Amy replied in his place. "He has a copy saved on anything you can imagine, his phone, his computer, everything. It's the only picture we have and he's taken good care of it. He likes to keep it with him at all time- that's why he has a copy in his wallet."

Her features softening, Amy took a step towards her son. She was expecting to see a blank look in his eyes, what she saw instead was anything but. For the first time, it appeared as though he was genuinely sorry for what he had done, regretful even.

"Do you still stand by what you said?" Amy asked.

She shook her head, and took a place on the bed next to the couple. "Oh Shelly, I honestly thought that you didn't love her."

"Oh, mother, you don't understand and I doubt you ever could."

"That's because you never talked to me." Mary found herself close to tears. She wasn't sure how she did it, but somehow, she held them back. "If you'd have just talked to me, told me how you felt, then maybe I would understand! You didn't even try, not once did you try to explain what was going through that head of yours.

He looked at her. "You wouldn't have liked what I had to say. Since Missy, George and I were young, you always spoke of how much you dreamt of us all getting married and giving you grandchildren. If I'd have come to you fourteen years ago and told you how much I didn't want to be a father and that I was going to give her up, you would've done everything your power to stop me."

Mary could not deny this. "Of course I would have done. I could've helped you, Shelly. You didn't need to leave like that. You could've come lived me in Texas, the three of you could've done." She said. "I'd have helped you get the hang of it."

Sheldon shook his head. "And I would've left anyway." He paused. "That doesn't mean that I don't care now, or that I'm not sorry now."

"So..." She looked at Sheldon, then over to Amy. "Is that why you're here, now? You want to have the chance to get to know her?"

"We're getting married soon. She's a huge part of both of us, and we want to put it right with her before we do." Amy said.

"Which will be kinda tricky, now." Sheldon added. "You see, Amy approached her the other day and she assumed a fake identity to do so."

"We can think of a way around this!"

He turned to face her. "There's no way of explaining why you lied and said your name was May -Unless, we tell her the truth?"

Mary spoke up. "Well, if I may say something here? The Lord would never protest to someone telling the truth. I'm sure if you confess your sins, they will be absolved, leaving you with a clean state."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Thanks, but I think I'm going to need a more sturdy basis for this than what would Jesus do? I think you'll find a fourteen year old girl who was abandoned as an infant will be less accommodating."

"Looks like you still have to put smart mouth on your clay pigeon."

"Clay pigeon?" Amy asked, confused.

"That's irrelevant." Sheldon said. "What we really need to do is think about this. Although, it beats me how we're going to do this."

Mary placed a hand on her son's shoulder. It was promptly shrugged off. "Listen to me, Shelly. You may be brilliant at many things, but I'm afraid you're going to need my help on this one. There's no other way."

"I hardly think that..." He soon found himself interrupted.

"Sheldon, listen to your mother." Amy instructed. "No arguing with her."

Sheldon sighed, lay back down on the bed. "Very well." He reluctantly admitted defeat. "I guess it can't hurt."

Amy leant in towards Mary, a small smile gracing her lips. "Thanks for coming."

Mary placed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into an embrace. "We will do this together. It doesn't matter how old someone is, they will always need a mother."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hi all, the first part of this chapter is completely new and wasn't included in the first version, if anyone reading has read the original, I hope you like the change.**

It had been a while since Leonard had visited Doctor Merryweather- in fact, it had been years. Merryweather picked up a file and briefly skimmed through it. "I must say, Leonard, I'm surprised to see you again."

He let out a nervous laugh, feeling slightly foolish. "Yeah, it just seemed like the time was right."

Placing down the file, she leant towards him. "So, tell me what's been happening."

"Where do I start?"

"Wherever you think, Leonard. These sessions are for you, and to make them as effective as possible, we really need to tackle what it is that is bothering you the most." She said. "Has anything happened recently that may have stirred up all these old feelings?"

He nodded. "Well, about six months ago, my friend's wife passed away. You remember, Bernadette?"

"Yes. She adopted your friend's baby." Dr Merryweather had always prided herself on her excellent attention to detail. Even now, after several years, she could still remember the minute details of her client's troubles. "I'm very sorry to hear that, how has that affected you?"

He sunk back into his chair. "It's affected us all quite badly, Penny's lost her best friend and Howard's grieving pretty badly. Now, you see that is something we could cope with, but now something else has happened and it's just thrown things all about."

She remained silent, waiting for him to elaborate.

Eventually he did. "It's Sheldon. About a week ago, he turned up on my doorstep. There was no warning, one minute I was in the kitchen making myself a sandwich and the next I hear these knocks that I hadn't heard in fourteen years, and there he is, right in front of me!"

"That must have been a shock for you." Her voice was calm.

"It was. I always kinda hoped he would come back, but after all that time, I'd grown to accept it and there he was again, just like I'd always wanted him to be." He confessed. "Although, the timing was all wrong, so many years have gone by and him turning up now? Well, that's just gonna mess everything up and it's killing me, because I know there is no way I can have him back in my life again without upsetting a load of people!"

"Have you told him how you feel?"

Leonard shifted in his seat. "No. He had an argument of sorts with my partner and he left in a hurry. It's been two days since I've seen him. It's like it was all those years ago, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate."

"Is that how you really feel though?" She asked. "Do things feel exactly the same as they did when he left last time?"

Leonard considered her words for a moment. "Maybe it's worse?"

"Go on."

"With him not being here for the past fourteen years, I never had to tell him about what I did. I dealt with my guilt privately, but now, if he does come back again, I know I'm going to have to tell him."

"Why do you feel that way?"

"The guilt is way too much now. I've had to hold it in all these years. I hate the fact that Sheldon was blamed for so many things, when really they should have been looking at me!" He took several deep breaths. "But now, if I see him again and I do tell him, I know that he'll hate me."

"So, if that is the case, then why do you believe that being honest with him now, after so many years will be the best option?"

"Because surely it's the right thing to do? Didn't your Mom ever tell you honesty was the best policy?"

Merryweather couldn't help but smile. "Maybe so, but that is something we tend to tell children. As people go through their lives, they have to deal with many different issues where they have to decide whether or not they should be honest or not."

"And?" Leonard asked, desperate for some kind of solution.

"And, sometimes a situation may be so complex, that it may not always be possible to tell the truth simply because it is the right thing to do. Some people may argue that the right option would be the one that causes the least harm."

"Are you telling me to lie?"

"No, Leonard, I would never tell you to do something like that. What I'm trying to do here is to encourage you to really think about and consider your options. I want you to consider the implication of telling the truth and the implications of not telling the truth. I really want you to think through the consequences, whether they be good, or whether they be bad and the people they will affect."

He sighed to himself, took off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes. "That's the thing though. I have done all that, over and over."

"Did you find any sort of solution?"

"No, in every scenario, whether I tell the truth or not, it always goes to crap, every single time." He let out a hefty sigh. "Either way, nobody is happy."

"I can tell this is bothering you a lot, Leonard. You need to come to some sort of solution that will give you some sort of relief from what you are feeling. Do you remember the last few times we talked?"

"It's been a while."

"Well, I do. Do you remember we established that what happened was a complete accident?"

"It's hard to see it that way."

"Maybe it is today, but who's to say that tomorrow or the day after won't be different? It may have been a foolish mistake Leonard, but you never intended for Sheldon to be involved in any way whatsoever."

"Maybe not, but he was." He looked over at the doctor. "Thanks and everything, but coming here today, this was a bad idea.

"No, don't go just yet; there is still plenty of time left. I'm sure between the two of us, we can find something to help you deal with all this."

Leonard got out his chair, no longer willing to discuss the matter further. "I really don't think anything can help me deal with this." Before she had a chance to protest, Leonard made a swift exit out of her office.

Merryweather sighed and placed back his file. She knew Leonard well enough to know that sooner or later he would be back.

oOo

Leonard arrived at work, the words of his therapist circling in his mind. It was easy for her to tell him not to feel guilty, when she hadn't lived with it like he had. Checking his watch, he noted that he was nearly an hour early for work.

He didn't want to go to his own office, instead, he found himself at Sheldon's old office. It had remained empty for many years now, due to the various imperfections that had driven previous occupants mad. Now, it was mostly used as a dumping ground for old and worn out office furniture that nobody took the time to carry down to the dumpster.

Once in there, he allowed the volcano of frustration to erupt. "I was asleep for like ten minutes." He backed up against the wall and slid down it, burying his head in his hands as he did so.

Out of nowhere, a pattern of three knocks that had once been so familiar broke through the silence.

"Leonard?"

Leonard waited, and soon enough the second round came.

He held his breath waiting for the third and final set. Once they were completed, he scrambled to his feet and pulled open the door. "Oh God, where the hell have you been?" Leonard had wanted to sound angry- he was too relieved for that. "I thought you were gone."

Sheldon ignored his friend's question. "I saw you come in here; I heard what you said too" He said. "I would've left sooner or later. You could've stayed up all night, but I'd have found a way."

Despite Sheldon's claims, Leonard didn't really believe that. In his mind, he had rehearsed the alternate scenario a million times over. In his head, he pictured himself waking up just as Sheldon was walking out the door. He pictured making them both a hot drink and discussing the situation. Every time he imagined it, the scene played out a little differently, however, what never changed was the end – In the end, he always persuaded Sheldon to stay. Yes, in the end, he always pictured a happy ending, where his actions, however stupid they may have been, eventually worked out for the best.

"You really have no idea how it felt." Leonard perched on a wonky chair. "I fall asleep on the sofa, I wake up and you've taken Clare and all of your stuff. The baby shows up, but there's no sign of you for fourteen years!"

"And that makes you...?"

"Pretty pissed off, a little angry maybe, but mostly hurt." Leonard confessed. "Yeah, it hurt that you would just go like that, it hurt that you didn't trust me. We were roommates for so long and you just forgot about me, like I was... Well, I don't know what it was like." He sighed, allowed his shoulders to slump.

Sheldon was quiet for a moment, slowly nodding his head, considering his friend's words. "I see."

Leonard was pleasantly surprised; however, knowing Sheldon like he did, he reserved a degree of doubt. "You do?"

"Yes." Sheldon did his best to sound convincing, he failed miserably - An undertone of dishonesty was present in his voice and his facial features immediately betrayed him. "I understand where you are coming from."

For a moment, Leonard was disappointed, but then he thought about it – Sheldon was trying to spare his feelings. He may not ever understand how much hurt he had caused, but he was trying to make things better in his own little way. "Well, that's something, I guess."

Sheldon managed a smile. For the first time in a while, Leonard could see sincerity in his eyes.

"You know, despite everything, I have missed you."

"And why wouldn't you? After all, I'm a very interesting man, not to mention the model roommate." Sheldon replied.

Leonard relaxed into a laugh. "Sure, sure – just work on you modesty and you're the whole package."

The lightness of the situation was short lived. Two familiar voices in the corridor brought Leonard crashing back down to reality, sending him into a panic.

"Damn it, Clare! There are no words to describe how angry I am at you right now!"

"Dad, Im sor..." She was immediately cut short.

"Save it, Clare. I'm not interested in your apologies; I just want to know why." Howard said. "What would your Ma say? If she was still here and she knew that you'd been skipping class, she would whoop your ass, young lady!"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

"Oh, we're talking about this. We're gonna talk about this until I can go back to your teacher and explain why the hell my sweet little girl has been acting out the way she has."

"I propose we settle this with a game of rock, paper, scissors, Lizard, Spock."

"No we will not."

Clare ignored her father's statement. "" Right, so the rules are..."

"Don't you dare."

"Scissors cuts paper, Paper covers rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock..." She found herself interrupted once more.

"Clare, this is serious."

"Yes, I know, so listen carefully, you don't want to get this wrong.

"Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes Rock..."

"You are so getting grounded for this. You're grounded until your eighty! You're never getting a car, you're never moving out, and I'm never letting you out of my sight!" Howard couldn't help but feel he had gone too big too soon. "And um, no watching television for a week."

Clare was un-phased. "And as it always was, rock crushes scissors."

"I will not play your silly game."

"Then, you're a mean, mean person."

"You had chocolate milk and eggos for breakfast this morning; I seem to remember being the best Dad in the universe then!"

Leonard diverted his attention to Sheldon. It always amazed him how similar the young girl was to him – she had not seen him since birth, yet somehow, she shared a lot of his traits. Leonard had lost count of the times his mother had asked to study her for some sort of nature/ nurture paper she wanted to write.

He had been so deep in thought, he had neglected to notice that his phone was ringing.

"Leonard, is that you?" He heard Howard ask.

Leonard mentally cursed himself. Part of the allure of his ring tone was it originality – Now, he couldn't help but wish he had selected a more generic one. "Hey, Howard." He desperately tried to sound casual. "Uh, don't come in."

"Oh, No! Uncle Leonard is in trouble!"

"No, really." He panicked. "I'm fine; honestly, there is no need to come in."

"That's what they want us to believe. Don't worry Uncle Leonard, we'll save you."Before Leonard had a chance to protest, Clare burst in through the door. She took a few moments to scan the room. "Oh, you really are fine."

Sheldon brought his eyes up to meet Howard's, noting the look of horror in them. He was within touching distance of Clare and Howard couldn't stand it.

Clare let out a gasp. With that, the gaze was broken and all eyes were on the awe stuck teenager. "Oh my God, are you who I think you are?" She said to Sheldon.

"Who do you think I am?" He asked, confused.

"You're Doctor Sheldon Cooper, aren't you? I know you used to work here, but I had no idea that Uncle Leonard knows you personally, that is so cool!" The young girl was clearly giddy with excitement.

Before Sheldon could reply, Howard placed a light hand on her arm, and then subtly moved her back a few steps. "How do you know who he is?" He did his best to sound calm.

She kept her eyes on Sheldon. "Doctor Cooper, you are my absolute idol. I have read all your papers at least twice. Your work on string theory is phenomenal!"

Once more, Sheldon found himself unable to reply,

"I had no idea you were a follower of Doctor Cooper's work." Leonard said. "How come you never said anything?"

"Well, you see, the thing is, he's not exactly current in the physics world anymore." She looked over at Sheldon. "In fact, you haven't published anything in nearly fifteen years. There was a period of about nine months where your work started to get less and less, and then, according to the files, you left Pasadena and slipped off the radar."

Sheldon nodded in agreement. "Although, you are wrong about slipping off the radar; my work is still ongoing, however, I like to keep out of the spotlight these days. So, I tend to publish under an assumed name."

"That's very humble of you, Doctor Cooper."

"Well, it's always good to meet the fans." He smiled. "You know, if you were interested, I could send you over my latest work."

Before Clare could reply, Howard took her by the hand. "C'mon Clare, Doctor Cooper is a very busy man, he doesn't have time for this."

"But, Dad..." She protested.

"No buts. You're grounded, remember?" Standing his ground, he shuffled her out the door, slamming the door behind them.

Sheldon waited until the footsteps faded down the corridor. "Hey, Leonard, do you still think she'll admire me like that if she knew the truth?"

Leonard really hoped the question was rhetorical - He had no idea how to even begin to answer it.


	8. Chapter 8

Raj trailed alongside his friend, hands stuffed into his pockets. "Leonard, seriously, how are we meant to have a wild night out if you're pushing a stroller?"

Leonard rolled his eyes, turned to face him. "How many times? We're just gonna go over there, check he's alright and let him know that we're here if he needs us." He said. "And, anyway, do you really think that going out and getting drunk will solve anything?"

"I'm not saying it will solve anything, but the guy needs a bit of fun. You know, something to distract himself from the fact that his daughter is freakishly Sheldonish."

Leonard raised an eyebrow. "Freakishly Sheldonish?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, I really can't say that I do."

Frustrated, Raj threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, c'mon – what happened to the good times, when did we become so serious?"

Leonard turned his attention back to Lenny, who had turned around to listen to their conversation. "Is uncle Raj having a bit of a midlife crisis?" He pushed the stroller forward and continued the journey. "And, anyway, I don't think that forcing a load of alcohol down him will make him feel better, not by a long shot."

"Who says anything about forcing him? The week he's had, I bet he'd gladly down a shot, or ten."

"Why don't we just wait until we really do have something to party about? What he needs right now are friends who are willing to listen – He's lost his wife, and now all of this has happened with Clare, I think we really need to talk about this."

"And when has talking things through ever worked out for us? This whole situation has been so complicated; we have found it easier to just pretend it isn't happening."

"I know, but not anymore. It's been long enough and we need to start facing up to the fact that things are about to be turned upside down."

Raj shot him a look of desperation; an undertone of sulking was present in his voice. "But, I don't want to."

"What are you, twelve?" Leonard shook his head.

"I know, I'm sorry. Howard just gets so depressed whenever he has to think about Clare not really being his own." He attempted his best impression of Howard. "Her name is Wolowitz, but you know, sometimes when I look at her, all I can see is the Shamy, does that make me a bad person?" He switched back to his own voice. "Is that what you want all evening?"

Leonard couldn't help but laugh. "That impression was so bad, it was almost good."

Hearing his father, Lenny clapped his little hands together, kicking his feet as he did so. Although, unsure why Leonard was laughing, if his Dad found something funny, then so did he.

"He is very cute." Raj peered into the stroller. They arrived at the Wolowitz house. Raj bent down and helped Leonard get the stroller up the stairs. "Right, so where are we taking him? I'm thinking Vegas. There's gotta be some child care available."

Leonard crossed his arms, shook his head in disapproval. "Yeah sure, I hear crèches are very commonly found in between casinos and cabaret shows.

Raj sighed, pressed the door bell. "Well, at least I'm trying; I don't hear you coming up with any better ideas."

After a few seconds, a loud booming voice caused them to jump back in surprise.

"DAD! THERE'S SOMEONE AT THE DOOR."

NO WAY, SO, THAT'S WHAT THAT BUZZING NOISE WAS, I HAD NO IDEA."

"WHY SO SARCASTIC?"

Leonard and Raj gave each other bemused looks. "

Is it me, or does she...?"

"Yeap, it still freaks me out just how deep her voice can go." Leonard replied.

"WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER IT?" Clare shouted.

"BECAUSE I'M ON THE TOILET AND I DON'T WANT TO RUSH IT."

"THAT'S GROSS; I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT."

"YOU ASKED, SO I TOLD."

Embarrassed, Leonard and Raj awkwardly shifted from foot to foot and diverted their gaze downwards.

"JUST ANSWER THE FREAKING DOOR." Howard demanded.

"NO, IT MIGHT BE A SEX CRIMINAL."

"YOU'RE NEARLY SIX FOOT, THAT'LL SCARE 'EM OFF."

"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?"

"ANSWER THE DOOR OR I'M NOT TAKING YOU TO COMIC CON THIS YEAR."

With that, the argument was over. Taking heed of his words, Clare dashed across the corridor and the door was open within seconds. She greeted her visitors with a warm smile, her tone of voice returning to its usual pitch. "Uncle Raj, Uncle Leonard. We weren't expecting to see you tonight."

"Hey Clare, me and Raj were just wanting to see how you and your Dad were getting on, is he in?"

Raj laughed. "Do you really need to ask?"

Clare looked at him accusingly. "Uncle Raj, have you been drinking tonight?"

"What gave me away?"

Leonard repeated his previous sentence. "Do you really need to ask?"

Howard's voice could be heard. "CLARE, WHO IS IT? WERE YOU RIGHT ABOUT THE SEX CRIMINAL?"

"NO, IT'S UNCLE LEONARD AND UNCLE RAJ!"

"WHAT DO THEY WANT?"

"THEY'RE HERE TO SEE YOU."

"BUT WHY HAVE THEY CALLED ROUND?"

"IM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THE SPANISH INQUISITION."

"WOULD YOU JUST ASK THEM?"

She turned back to face them. "He wants to know why you come." She said, as if they wouldn't have heard in the first place.

Leonard reached into the stroller and lifted a restless Lenny into his arms. "There's no reason, we were just free and wondered if your dad wanted to do something tonight."

"You'll be alright here if we take him to a few ba.. ouch! Raj clutched his foot, shot Leonard a venomous look. "What did you stamp on my foot for?"

Leonard painted on a look of innocence. "Oh, did I? " He turned his attention back to Clare. "What uncle Raj was about to say was that we were thinking about having a quiet night in. You know, just hanging out, playing a few video games, talking about stuff."

Before anything more could be said, the toilet flushed and footsteps coming down the stairs could be heard. "Clare, are you going to ask them in? Howard asked, reaching the bottom step and coming into eye's view.

Clare stepped to the side and opened the door wider.

Leonard gestured to the stroller. "You mind if I leave this out here?"

Clare nodded. "Sure, but you can't leave Lenny out here with it."

"I never intended to!"

"I know, but it's always best to be sure. You hear all these stories about babies freezing to death in their strollers after being left outside on the porch, so you can never be too careful."

"I have never heard of that happening and neither have you." Howard argued.

"You don't know that" She protested. "I'm always seeing news articles like that."

"When?"

"Just the other day, actually."

Howard reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone. "Go on then, look it up and show me an article."He tossed the device over to her.

"I don't have anything to prove."

Before anything more could be said, a furious knock could be heard. Startled, she took a step closer to Howard. He made his way towards the door. "Alright, I'm coming."

Clare placed a hand on his arm. "Don't, they sound really angry."

"No, baby, it's probably just an impatient sales guy."

Pulling the door open, Howard really wished that it had been an impatient sales person. "No, you can't." He said.

His words had no impact. The caller strode right into the house, walking to the centre of the room, so they were face to face with Clare.

Leonard and Raj looked on in open mouthed shock.

Clare was the first to find her voice. "May, what are you doing here?"

Howard spoke up from where he was stood. "Is this some kind of a sick joke?" He walked over to Clare and took both of her hands. "Baby, look at me, don't look at her, just look at me."

"Dad, what's going on?"

"You need to just know that whatever happens tonight, I love you, ok? I really love you. I've done a lot of things that you might hate me for, but you gotta know, I love you so much and whatever you hear tonight, please don't ever think that I don't." Desperation was clear to hear in his voice. He held tightly to her hands, unwilling to ever let them go. "You've met her before, haven't you?"

She nodded, diverted her eyes to the ground. "Dad, who is she?" Clare knew it was pointless to ask, in a way, she already knew. That didn't stop her wishing it not to be true. She wasn't ready for this – not by a long shot.

Howard brought his hand up, placed it on her cheek. "I've got no idea how to tell you this."

Amy stepped in. "Clare?"

She let go of Howard's hand and turned to face Amy. "May, please, don't do this."

"I've not be truthful with you. My name isn't May." She paused. "My name is Amy. Amy Farrah Fowler. The other day when we met, I wasn't there to visit your Mom's grave. I was there to talk to you."

"What the hell did you tell her?" Howard demanded.

"Dad, she didn't tell me anything, but I told her a lot." Clare confessed. "I didn't realise who I was talking to, but I know now, I've worked it out." She looked over at Amy. "Or, at least I think I have. Have I?"

Three knocks on the door suddenly interrupted the exchange. Before a second set could come, the door was pushed open. "Shelly, just open it." Mary stepped into the house, Sheldon closing the door behind them. "Amy darlin', not here, not like this."She reasoned.

Sheldon spoke up. "My mother is right; this is not what we agreed."

"I've had it with all of this, Sheldon. I can't take it anymore, all these years have gone by and I need to see her, to be with her!"

Howard took one last chance to reason with her. "Amy, please! Just think about what you're doing. This is my family you're tearing apart here!"

"Can't you tell? she knows! It's obvious she knows and she's known for a quite a while."

"Clare, tell me. How long?" Howard asked. "Please, how long has it been?"

Her voice was barely a whisper. "It was Mom. The night she died, she told me that you adopted me."

Howard took a step backwards. It felt like he had just been punched very hard in the stomach. He glanced at the family photograph on the mantelpiece. "But why? She never said..." He stumbled over his words. "She never told me... she never once said that she wanted to tell you the truth. I thought she didn't ever want you to know."

"You can't lie to her forever!"

Sheldon walked over to where Amy was stood. "That's enough, Amy! This was never part of the plan, it was never meant to happen this way."

Ignoring his words, she got as close as she could to Clare. "Wasn't it obvious all along?" She pointed to the family photographs on the walls. "You look nothing like either one of them." She ran her hands through her hair, and then held it against her own. "Look at it, same colour exactly. You can't tell where yours starts and mine ends."

"I don't care. It doesn't mean anything."

Undeterred, Amy reached over and removed the young girls' glasses. "And your poor vision wasn't inherited from Bernadette, that's all me."

Sheldon reached over and took the glasses off her, handed then back to Clare. "My apologies. She has gotten a little overwrought. "He shot Amy a look of warning. "Let's go, Amy."

Amy continued regardless, gestured to Sheldon."And that's why you're so tall."

Clare took a moment of pause. She looked at Amy and then brought her gaze over to Sheldon. The man who's work she had followed for so long, the man she had admired so much, had abandoned her. "You're sick, absolutely sick. Stay away from me."

Howard walked towards her."Clare, I'm so..."

"No! I don't wanna talk to you either." She left no time for argument. Instead she turned on her heel and ran from the house, slamming the door behind her.


	9. Chapter 9

The door slammed shut, echoing around the house, bouncing off every wall and shaking the ornaments.

Everybody held their breaths in anticipation – fallout was inevitable and it was undoubtedly going to get messy.

Lenny placed his hands over his ears and buried his face in his father's jacket. With little comprehension of what was going on, he had no idea why the adults around him seemed to be so angry.

Amy sighed loudly and allowed her shoulders to slump. When she had arrived, she had been fired up and full of determination – now, she was wishing she had taken a different, gentler approach. Hoping for reassurance, she looked over at Sheldon, giving him a desperate look – what she received in return was a look of haughty derision, which silently screamed I told you so.

Mary reached out to her son. He shrugged away from her.

Raj was the only one who dared look at Howard. He noted how his eyes had been fixed on the door, like he was willing her to return. Raj knew all too well that this was his worst nightmare and it was clear to see in his eyes.

Slowly, Howard diverted his gaze from the door to Sheldon. There he was after fourteen years; serving as a reminder of all the lies he had to tell. He could see so much of Clare in him. It seemed like a cruel injustice, it had been him that had loved her all these years, but it was obvious who her biological father was. "You bastard." He narrowed his eyes, shooting him a look that none of his friends had ever seen before, or would ever want to again.

Leaving no time for thought, Howard strode over to where Sheldon was and flung himself at him, causing him to stagger backwards. Sheldon held onto Howard's shoulder and managed to steady himself. Although the sudden act of aggression had had little impact on Sheldon, it made no difference to Howard – it felt good. It was like he was regaining control once more.

The adrenaline pumped through his body.

The energy was intense.

Howard had no way of stopping it and neither did he want to.

He wanted shout, scream, rant, rave and swear- he would've done anything to release the tension and he didn't care who knew about it. "She is not your daughter! She never has been and she never will be." He was as loud as his lungs allowed him to be. He wasn't a violent person, but if anyone threatened his girl's happiness, then he was willing to make an exception. "Do you know how hard I've worked to raise her right? I put my career on hold for the first few years to make sure I was there for her, I've been to every school play and every parent's evening. What the hell have you done?"

Sheldon could think of no response. This only served to anger Howard further. There was no way he could've reached up and hit him across the face, instead he brought his knee up and rammed it forcefully into his groin. With that, the other man dropped like a stone, crying out in agony on the way down.

Howard took a few moments to get his breath back. He looked down at Sheldon, who was curled up in a ball, holding the injured area. He swung his foot back, ready to take another shot, however Raj soon intervened, grabbing him by the shirt and yanking him backwards. "No, that's enough. Stop it now." Despite being fought against, Raj maintained a tight grip on his friend. He pulled him over to the other side of the room and pushed him onto the couch. "I will not let you do this." Defeated, Howard pulled his arm away and sat up, burying his head in his hands. Raj placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze.

Over the other side of the room, Leonard hugged Lenny tightly. Amidst the chaos, the toddler had become increasingly distressed and had started to cry. "There, there, it's ok." He reassured. "Daddy's here and he's gonna keep you nice and safe." He glanced over to the sofa, and then brought his eyes over to Sheldon, who had managed to get into a sitting position. He was torn – instinct was telling him to go over and check he was okay, but loyalty to Howard was urging him to stay put. In the end, he opted to stay where he was and let Amy and Mary tend to Sheldon.

He placed his hand into his pocket and ran his thumb over his phone – he really needed to call Penny.

Unsteadily, Howard got up off the sofa. "I need to go after her."

Raj placed a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down onto the sofa. "Seriously, do you really think you're in any state to talk to her after the scene you just made? He gestured to Sheldon and Amy. "And you heard her, she doesn't want to talk to them, but she won't see you right now either."

Howard gritted his teeth, trying to remain calm. "I can't just sit here and do nothing."

"That's exactly what you're going to do."

"But..."

He raised his hand. "I mean it, Howard. You're going to stay here and cool off and I'm going to go find her."

Knowing he was beat, Howard exhaled loudly and gave reluctant nod of agreement.

"Okay, then." Raj offered a reassuring smile and made his way towards the door.

Just as he was halfway outside, Howard suddenly called out to him. "Hey, Raj, wait."

He turned to face him, waited for the statement.

"Just tell her I love her, ok?"

"Dude, she already knows."

"Tell her anyway, I'll tell her everyday, just get her to come back to me."

He nodded, turned to face Sheldon and Amy. "Is there anything you guys wanna say?"

Sheldon shook his head, looked at Amy. "Would you help me up?"

Amy bent down, placed a hand under his arm and guided him to his feet. "Sheldon, we should say something at least."

"You've said enough tonight, that's what got us into this mess and I'm sure as anything that it won't get us out of it."

Mary interjected. "I hate to say it, Amy, but I agree with him for now. We'll talk to her, I promise you that, but we're gonna have to be a lot more sensitive than what you were tonight. She's a fourteen year old; they need to be handled with care."

Wordlessly, Raj stepped out the door and made his way to the bottom of the garden – there was only one place she would've gone to. Tonight had been the first time in fourteen years that Raj had seen Sheldon. In many ways, he seemed very much the same, but in some ways, there was something totally different about him. Despite all the time that had gone by, it appeared that he had barely age at all. Something that stood out the most to Raj was the way he now dressed – gone were the superhero T-shirts and in their place was a plain white, button up shirt, accompanied by a tie and jacket. Although this style was admittedly age appropriate, Raj couldn't help but feel that it stripped a certain something away from his character.

Pulling himself out of his thoughts, he stood below the tree house – if she wasn't up there, he would've had no idea where else to look. He inspected the frayed rope ladder – it had been several years since he last climbed it and he wasn't confident it would take his weight. Testing its strength, he gave it a rough tug. Satisfied it would hold him, he climbed onto the first rung. His weight caused the ladder to sway back and forth. He curled his fingers around the ladder and grasped as tight as he could until it steadied. "Seriously, I am way too old for this." He continued the climb, ignoring the urge to look down. After pausing several times, he reached the top. Cautiously, he released one hand from the rope, placed one hand on the floor of the tree house and flung himself in.

Raj sat up and faced Clare, who was looking at her watch. "Took you three minutes, forty two seconds exactly! That's one heck of a long time, considering how little rungs there are."

"Hey, it's not that easy, I'm older than you and it's swinging about all over the place." He said. "And you know, that's just the kinda lame ass thing my ex wife would say."

"I remember Emily." She smiled, and then tried to mask it.

"Hey, its fine, you know." He said. "She had a soft spot for you; she wasn't so scary when you were around. Maybe she found you cute or something like that?"

"I don't think so."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, she didn't really do cute. I remember when Cinnamon died, you must have been five at the time, she wanted to do some sort of creepy burial ritual, involving fire and some weird chants." He visibly shuddered. "As if losing my dog wasn't bad enough."

"Do you ever miss her?"

"Yeah, she was a good little dog."

"No, I meant Emily."

Raj shrugged. "Maybe a little, but it's been five years, and I hear things with that other guy didn't work out." He sighed. "I guess our marriage was okay to begin with, but things were always too boring for her, everything always had to be bigger and better. I guess in the end, I couldn't keep up with her extravagance, so she found someone who could."

"She sent a card you know, after Mom died. It was actually quite sweet."

"I'm sure it was, but she kinda screwed me over, Clare. It took me years to be able to talk to women without a drink, then she ran off with some other guy, took the house, the car and most of my money and I lost so much of the confidence I spent so many years trying to build."

"That's rough." She drew her knees up to her chin. "I never realised how bad it got."

Raj took a place next to her. "You were too young to understand stuff like that." He took a look at her – she now had a pink cardigan wrapped around her. She didn't have it earlier on in the night, so Raj presumed that she must have been keeping it in the tree house. "I've never seen you wear this before, is it new?"

She shrugged it off, held it close to her chest. "It was Mom's, it reminds me of her. After she first died it still smelled like her." She lifted it to her nose, and then shook her head. "But, not so much anymore. Actually, it smells like me now."

"I understand how this feels. It's the worst feeling." Seven years ago, Raj's father had suffered a sudden heart attack. "When my Dad died, I didn't know what to do. I suppose at the end, I hardly called or visited him and I guess it hit Priya harder than it did me, but the shock was still awful." Raj knew that the comparison was weak – after all, Raj had been grown man who had learned to live independently, whereas Clare was for all intents and purposes was still a child, who was still very much dependant on her mother.

Without a word, she shuffled closer and placed her head on his shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, Clare. This should never have happened."

"So, Doctor Cooper...?"

"What about him?"

"I've read all his papers, and I've seen a load of his talks that are up online, but, now I'm being told that he's my father. I don't know how to make sense of it."

"I wouldn't either, Clare. It would be like me finding out that Sandy B is my mother; I mean that would blow my mind. Could you imagine it? I'd watched Miss Congeniality all these years and would've had no clue and then one day, she shows up on my doorstep and then she tells me I'm her son!"

She frowned. "Not, really, Doctor Cooper isn't Hollywood famous and at least he's the right age to be my father." Not waiting for a response, she continued onwards. "But what I don't get was, how did I end up with Mom and Dad? Was it random, or did they give me to them specifically?"

"No, it wasn't random. We worked with Sheldon at the university and also knew him outside of work. You see, he and Uncle Leonard, they were roommates for many years before he left. You know the apartment across the hallway from where he and Penny live now?"

"The one where that guy Kieran lives?"

"Yes, that's the one. Well, before he moved in there, that was where Leonard and Sheldon used to live.

"I had no idea."

"Of course you didn't. In a way, we had to pretend that it hadn't really happened. That wasn't easy though, how do you even begin to pretend that so much of your life didn't actually happen?" He said. "It's like your parent's wedding album, it used to full, but after removing all pictures that had Sheldon and Amy in, they were left with hardly any."

"But why? Why couldn't you have just told me the truth?"

"You don't know the whole story, Clare and I don't think you'd want to. It was better that you grew up with parents who loved you right from the beginning as far as you knew. We just figured it would hurt too much if you knew the truth about how you were left."

There was a moment of silence, as she considered his words. "Well, I'm ready now. I've known for six months and I've imagined everything, so now I'm asking you..." She shook her head, rephrased. "No, I'm not asking, I am insisting that you tell me what happened."

"Clare, you need to be sure about this, before I tell you anything at all, you really need to promise me that you are ready for what you are about to hear."

"As ready as I'll ever be."

Raj nervously chewed his bottom lip. He would never think that the day would come where he would be put in this position. "I couldn't possibly tell you the whole story - it just wouldn't be possible to get it right because I wasn't there for all of it, but I can tell you how it began. I can remember that night so clearly."

 _Raj's point of view:_

 _Leonard sat on the couch, arms crossed with his back to Howard. "Either put those things away or get out. I mean it; I don't want them in my apartment." He picked up a takeaway menu and began to read it. "Sheldon's going out tonight, so I'm ordering a pizza. If you want some, you know what you gotta do."_

" _You asked for my advice, so I gave it to you. It's not my problem that you're so uptight."_

" _Me, uptight?" He turned to face him, clearly outraged. "No, you're just crazy. Sure, things haven't been too great between me and Penny in that area, but that is no solution at all."_

 _Howard waved the bag of pills in his face. "There's nothing crazy about this. The university have been distributing them to willing participants like they're candy or something. Trust me, within a year, these babies will be all over the market."_

" _Why the hell have you got so many?"_

" _Because they're amazing! One of these and you're good to go all night. If you don't believe me, just ask Bernadette." He paused. "Actually, don't, she doesn't actually know that I take them. I want her to think that I've just upped my game."_

" _Yeah, well, just because it works for you, that doesn't mean that they will for me."_

" _Oh trust me, they will work. What's there to lose? If they do work, then voila, all your problems are solved, but if they don't, then nothing will really have changed at all. It's a win – win situation."_

 _Raj, who had been silent throughout decided to contribute. "Don't do it Leonard, the last time I took part in one of those clinical trials, I ended up taking off all my clothes in a coffee shop."_

" _Don't listen to Raj. The whole point of them is that they make you want to get out your clothes, and they're not exactly the kinda pills that you would go popping whilst in line for a cappuccino."_

 _Leonard took a moment to consider his friend's words, his resolve slowly fading. "I just don't know, I mean I get what you're saying, but would I really go that far?" He looked from Howard over to Raj, then back to Howard again. "Should I go that far?"_

" _No." Raj said without hesitation._

" _Let's not be so hasty." Howard placed the pills on the table. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two more bags. "And, look, it also comes in powder and suppository form, what's not to like?"_

 _Individually, Leonard picked each of them up and took a closer inspection. "Oh, geez, they really have covered all bases here." He showed them to Raj. "Could it really be all that bad?"_

 _Howard cut in before Raj could respond. "Well, that depends..."_

" _On what?"_

" _On whether or not you want to show Penny the night of her life- You've been worried that you're not man enough for her, well, my friend, these will make you plenty man enough."_

" _I'm just not sure that Viagra is the best way to do that." Raj said, sceptical._

 _Howard looked offended. "Viagra? You underestimate it. This stuff puts Viagra to shame."_

" _Well, what exactly is it then? If Leonard is going to be taking this stuff, you should at least tell him what he's getting himself in to."_

" _This is three times the strength and lasts twice as long. Trust me; this stuff would arouse a nun. The only glitch at the moment is that it takes about half an hour to set in, so you know, you may wanna try a bit of foreplay in the meantime."_

 _Leonard raised an eyebrow. "I just don't know. It seems risky. What if I get overexcited and make a fool out of myself?"_

" _You've proposed to her in the middle of sex before." Howard replied. "Even if you do something slightly embarrassing, would it honestly, really ever be able to top that?"_

 _Raj nodded. "He's a got a point, you can't argue with that."_

" _I thought you were against him on this!"_

" _What can I say? The man is very persuasive."_

 _A voice from down the corridor could be heard. "Very persuasive about what?" Sheldon came into eye's view, bringing the conversation to an abrupt end._

" _Nothing, Sheldon." Leonard sighed, frustrated._

 _Sheldon shrugged, he walked into the kitchen and filled up a glass of water. Subtly, Howard picked up his jacket and placed them on top of the incriminating bags._

" _I know you're watching Babylon 5." Sheldon pointed accusingly at the television and gave Leonard a disapproving look. "That show has no right to be viewed in my apartment!"_

 _Pent up on sexual frustration, Leonard was feeling argumentative. "I am not changing the channel, Sheldon. Its date night; In five minutes time, you will be out the door, and me watching it will have no affect your night in any way."_

" _That's irrelevant, the rules of the roommate agreement clearly state that..." To Leonard's relief, Sheldon's phone began to ring. Sheldon reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone. "This isn't over you know, we will be having a long talk about this when I get back tonight." He said to Leonard._

" _Just answer you phone."_

 _Sheldon placed his water down on the coffee table then turned his back to his friends. He was silent for a moment, letting the other person speak. "Yes, okay, give me a minute and I'll be right out." Ending the call, he turned to face Leonard. "That was Amy. Do not alter the thermostat whilst I'm out, because I can tell and you know I can."_

" _If I say I'm not going to alter the thermostat would you leave right now?"_

 _Sheldon gestured down the corridor. "It's chilly out, it would be irresponsible of me to go out without my jacket. " He turned on his heel and made his way towards his bedroom._

 _Leonard waited until he heard Sheldon's door close. "Damn it, I don't want a long talk with Sheldon to be the only thing I have lined up tonight." He uncovered the bags. "You know what? I'm gonna do it, me and Penny deserve a bit of fun for once."_

 _Howard smiled. "Which one do you want?"_

" _The powder."_

 _Howard placed the other two bags back into his pocket, took hold of the glass that Sheldon had left and poured a small amount in._

" _Put more in."_

 _He shook his head. "Trust me, you don't need a lot."_

 _Impatient, Leonard grabbed the bag from his hand and emptied the remainder into the glass. "It's been three weeks, I do need a lot."_

" _Are you outta your mind?"_

" _I am not leaving anything to chance here."_

 _Howard held his hands up in defeat. "Alright, it's your call, but you won't be able to say later on that I didn't try warning you."_

 _Leonard picked up the glass and raised it to his lips, however, he was soon prevented by Howard taking hold of his arm. "Now what? It was you that wanted me to drink this stuff."_

" _Are you wearing superhero underpants? Nothing ruins the mood like that."_

 _Leonard thought for a moment then nodded. "I better go change." He got to his feet and Howard and Raj did the same. "Honestly guys, you don't have to come with me. That would be weird."_

" _Yes we do! Do you think that after getting you this far we are going to let you screw it up based on your choice of underwear?"_

 _Raj nodded in agreement._

 _Leonard neither agreed or disagreed, he simply let them follow him in without argument. Once they were in there, he pulled his underwear draw out and emptied it out onto the bed. He picked out all the brightly coloured and themed ones, leaving him with the plain white and black ones. "Black or white?" He looked down, picked up another pair. "Or, dark blue could be an option."_

" _Dark blue every time." Raj said. "I think they would really bring out your eyes."_

" _Hopefully they won't be on long enough for Penny to notice." Howard winked._

" _Guys, this is serious. I feel like I'm having sex with her for the first time all over again." Leonard sat down on the bed. "Who knew selecting a pair of underwear could be this hard?"_

 _Howard reached over and passed over a black pair. "Wear these, they have Calvin Klein written on them, I bet Penny would be into that. The sound of the front door closing could be heard. "That's one less thing to worry about."_

 _After the final decision was made, the trio made their way back into the living room. Once they arrived, they were stopped dead in their tracks. After a few moments of agonising silence, Raj was the first to find his voice. "Wasn't that glass full?"_

 _Nervously chewing his bottom lip, Leonard picked up the glass and studied it. "Maybe it spilled? He looked down on the ground, desperately hoping to find water stains._

" _It was stood upright when we got here, how the hell would it have spilled?" Howard pointed out._

 _Leonard placed down the glass and glanced at the door. "So when you say that the amount I put in was too strong, how strong is too strong?"_

" _Let's just say that if a person was to take that much, they would be so up for it, they would rub themselves up against a lamppost if their was no alternative." Howard was never one for sugar coating his words and now was no exception._

" _Oh, how I wish you were exaggerating." He sighed and there was a long silence before he spoke again. "Right, I'm not going to panic just yet, let's just take a moment and see if we can find an explanation for this. Any explanation is fine, but it can't be that Sheldon drank it."_

 _Howard and Raj looked at each other before shrugging in defeat._

" _I was gonna go with Sheldon drank it."_

" _Me too." Raj agreed._

 _Leaving no time for thought, Leonard sprinted out of the room and down the first flight of stairs. "Sheldon wait!"_

Raj trailed off and turned to face the shocked teenager."He got to the second flight of stairs and tripped on his own laces. We tried contacting them, but they both had their phones switched off."

"So what happened next?"

"Presumably they... you know... well, anyway according to Leonard, he came home the next day and muttered something about the relationship agreement being violated."


	10. Chapter 10

Clare wriggled out from Raj's grip. She got to her feet and began pacing the floor. "You can't be serious, you just can't be serious." She paused, took a deep breath and made eye contact with him. "Start laughing and tell me that I should've seen my face."

"It's no joke - That it how it happened."

"I feel like I'm gonna be sick." Clare backed up against the wall and slowly slid down it. "I seriously, seriously feel like throwing up."Clare kneeled forward and clutched at her stomach, waiting for the feeling to pass. "Could Uncle Leonard not spare two seconds to get his own glass of water, why did he have to use Doctor Cooper's?"

Raj took a moment for thought. "Sheldon was on his way out, we honestly didn't imagine for a second that he would down it before he left. If we had, we would never have let it out of our sight."

Clare was not willing to let it slide. "You didn't think he would drink it? He went to the kitchen, got a glass and filled it up. It should've been pretty obvious than he was going to want to drink it." Her cheeks flushed an angry red. She stood up and kicked a toy box- weakened by age; the wood gave way, allowing the long forgotten contents to escape. Clare looked at the toys, remembering the careless days when she used to play with them, wishing she could be back to that age, where her family was nothing less than perfectly ordinary. "Why didn't you just take the time to think it through?"

Raj considered lying – acknowledging the she had already had enough dishonesty in her life, he decided to give her the truth however ashamed of it he may have been. "When you are as sexually frustrated as Leonard was all those years ago, you'll soon realise that small details such as a glass of water don't really matter to you."

"Well, why didn't you just tell me?" Her tone was viciously sarcastic. "All if forgiven now that I know that Uncle Leonard was thinking with his..."

Raj quickly interrupted. "Hey, why are you angry with me? I told Leonard not to listen to your dad! Your father was the one that supplied the powder and Leonard was the one that put enough in to cause a major overdose – If anything, I'm the most innocent here."

"What I don't get is why would Dad be talking like that? You make him sound like he was sex obsessed! I mean why would he have stuff like that with him anyway?" Clare was struggling to comprehend all that she had heard. "It's just not his thing."

Raj never thought he would see the day where someone would describe Howard in such a way. "How do I put this delicately...? Well, let's just say that your Dad wasn't exactly saving himself for marriage before he met your Mom and even after, it wasn't until you came along and his priorities changed that he fully stopped all the..." Embarrassed, he paused for a moment and cleared his throat. "Stopped with all the kinky, weird stuff he was in to."

"I regret asking."

"If he asks, I didn't say anything."

"I guess not, after all this time you're no stranger to lying." Her voice had a bitter edge.

Raj didn't know how to respond. Five years ago, Leonard had confessed that if Clare ever found out the truth, he knew exactly what he would say to her. At the time, Raj had dismissed it- never in a million years had he ever seen this day coming. "I'm sorry. I don't know how many times you need to hear me say it before you believe me, but I really am sorry for all the lies that we had to tell." His words were heartfelt and genuine.

"After all the lies Emily told you, you should understand how this feels."

"That's different, her lies were bad lies. We lied to protect you!""

"I don't feel very protected." Breaking eye contact, she moved onwards and started to climb down the rope ladder.

"Clare, wait." Raj called after her. "Where are you going now?"

"I just don't want to be up here anymore."

"Right, that's fine. Go back inside and you can talk to your father, he really wants to speak to you."

Reaching halfway, she paused, looked back up at him. "And which father would that be?"

He kept his distance from the rope ladder, standing where he could see her, but taking care not to knock the un-sturdy piece of rope. "You know I mean Howard. He loves you Clare, just talk to him and he can tell you so much more."

"And what about Doctor Cooper? Am I meant to talk to him to?"

He waited until she had safely reached the bottom and stepped away from the ladder. "Only you can choose that. No one's going to stop you, if that's what you want."

"I don't want to see any of them." Clare didn't wait for a response, she turned on her heel and walked calmly down the garden path – there was no reason to rush off, it by the time he was able to climb down, she would be long gone. The cold air hit her and she shivered, wishing she had brought a jacket.

A stray tear escaped out of the corner of her eye. She promptly wiped it away, promising herself that she would shed no tears for two strangers who had crashed into her life uninvited, bringing nothing but chaos. Clare pictured them in her mind. Although their arrival had caused a lot of pain and anger, she couldn't help but feel relieved that they were here. Over the past six months, they had played heavily on her mind, however she been driven mad by not knowing the first thing about them. Now they were here, she no longer had to spend her time wondering.

She took one last look back at the house before walking out the garden gate. Maybe if she went for an extra long walk, they would all be gone when she got back?

The piercing sound of a car horn broke through the silence. Turning around, she found herself blinded by the bright headlights that flooded her vision. Rubbing at her eyes, she had to rely on her hearing for guidance – The sound of a car window being rolled down was heard, a female voice accompanied. "Where do you think you're going in such a hurry?"

It was Penny.

She stepped out of the car and held her hand out to Clare. "C'mon sweetie, let's talk about this." Leonard had phoned her and she had driven there as fast as she could get away with. Penny guided her to the passenger seat, pushed it back to make room for her long legs, before taking her place in the driver's side. "So, what do you know?"

"Viagra laced tap water." Her voice was deadpan.

Penny offered a sympathetic expression. "Oh honey, we never wanted you to find out. It's just not something you ever want to hear." She placed a hand on her shoulder. "Me and your Mom, we didn't know for a long time. The guys weren't exactly keen to spill the details."

"Do they know?" Clare nodded at the house. "Doctor Cooper and May, do they know about what happened?"

If Penny thought that Clare getting Amy's name wrong was odd, she didn't comment on it. "No, and we don't think they ever should." Shame was present in her voice. There was a pause. Clare made no effort to respond. "Right, ok, we can play this one of two ways."

"Tell me more?"

"Well first of all, we could just forget that this whole night ever happened. We can just put what you know to the side, tell Sheldon and Amy that they have to go and then just get on with our lives as if they were never here."

Clare considered this for a moment, shook her head. "I want to know what option two is."

"I will tell you more. I won't sugar coat it or twist the truth in any way, I'll just give you the whole damn, unpolished, unedited truth." She caught her eye and held her gaze. "I won't treat you like a kid, Clare. If you wanna know what I know, then I'll give it to you straight."

Clare left no time for doubt, a look of determination burned brightly in her eyes. "Just tell me, whatever you have to say, I can handle it."

 _Penny's POV:_

 _Penny had had the worst of days – everything that could have gone wrong, had gone wrong. Her boss had been in a bad mood all day, her car had broken down and the bus had been delayed. Making the decision to walk home, she had been particularly frustrated when it had started to rain – even more so when she realised she had forgotten her umbrella that day._

 _The rain had gradually worn off, however the damage was done, she was wet through, her hairstyle ruined and her shoes had filled with water. The building came into view and she picked up her pace to a slow jog – Leonard had called her several times that day and she was on her way to see him. There was something about the way he had been acting these past few weeks that had had her worried. She remembered him mentioning to her that Sheldon was unwell – for a few days after that, she didn't see or speak to either or them, despite her best efforts – since then, Leonard hadn't quite been himself._

 _Entering the building, she took the stairs as quickly as her tired feet would allow. Reaching the top, she paused to catch her breath._

 _Arguing could be heard from Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. Usually, Penny would have thought nothing of this, she knew her neighbours well enough to know that they were no strangers to bickering. However, this argument was not between Leonard and Sheldon._

 _She recognised Amy's voice immediately._

 _There was something about it that unnerved her. Penny had never heard such aggression and anger in her friend before. Whatever had happened, Penny knew it had to have been serious._

 _Suddenly the door flew open._

 _Alarmed, Penny took a step backwards._

 _Amy emerged from the apartment to come face to face with her friend. Penny looked her up and down, her hair was unbrushed and her eyes were red from crying. "Penny, have you been listening?" She asked, surprised to see her._

" _Uh no, I literally just got here." She walked over to her, placed a hand on her arm. "What's going on?"_

 _Amy looked down at the ground. "It's Sheldon. He seems to think this is all my fault, Penny." Her voice was barely audible; shame was present when she spoke. "This just can't be happening."_

 _Bernadette appeared in the doorway, making eye contact with Penny, she walked over to where they were stood. "Has Amy told you?"_

 _Penny shook her head. "Amy?" Receiving no response, she looked to Bernadette for guidance. "It can't be that bad." A look of doubt flashed across her face. "Can it?"_

" _She's pregnant, Penny."_

 _Penny's jaw literally dropped. "You mean they did it?"_

 _Before anything more could be said, fast approaching footsteps from inside the apartment could be heard, and within seconds, Sheldon had joined them in the corridor. "Amy, I mean it, this is not the type of thing we want to be shouting about."_

" _He's embarrassed." Amy said to no one in particular._

" _I'm not embarrassed; I just don't appreciate a blabbermouth like Penny knowing the most intimate details of our personal life."_

 _Infuriated, Amy pushed passed him, flung the apartment door wide open to reveal the rest of the group and strode in. "Everybody knows, Sheldon!" She shouted to him. "Who else is there to possibly keep this from?"_

 _Sheldon shook his head. "This is no longer up for discussion." He re-entered the apartment and retreated to his bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind him._

 _Leonard got up and made to follow him. "Sheldon, wait."_

 _Howard reached out and placed a hand on his arm. "The mood he's in, whatever you say or do is gonna make this worse."_

 _He slumped back down onto the couch, bewildered. "God, I seriously can't see how anything could make this awful situation any worse, in terms of how bad things can get, I think we're there."_

 _Amy crossed her arms, narrowed her eyes. "You're being very rude."_

" _I don't mean to be rude, but how can you ever imagine him with a kid? I'm sorry, but he can barely take care of himself."_

" _I know it will be fine. He just needs some time to get used to the idea." Amy said. Despite her words, doubt was clear to see in her eyes. "He's only acting this way because it was such a shock, he can't stay like this forever."_

" _Oh can't he?" Leonard was becoming evermore frustrated. "You know him, once he gets an idea stuck in his head, it won't budge."_

 _Sensing his friend's mood, Howard quickly intervened, desperate to calm the situation before it escalated out of control. "Hey, Leonard, just take it easy. It's not all that bad."_

" _Take it easy? You want me to take it easy?" He pointed an accusing finger at him. Leonard had been deeply regretful of what had happened- he wished Howard had never introduced him to the drugs. "Why should I listen to another word you say ever again? I mean it, next time you think about giving me advice, just don't."_

 _Before Howard could reply, Bernadette was by his side, shooting him a venomous look. "Howard Wolowitz, what have you done?" She held his gaze, not letting him look away._

" _Nothing, it's really nothing." He replied. "He's just angry about some stupid thing that happened at work and he keeps bringing it up."_

" _Oh yeah, this is all my problem! That's it Howard, you shift the blame, pretend that nothing is wrong, everything is fine!" Leonard couldn't contain his emotions, nor did he want to. "You're just the worst."_

 _Faking a smile for the three women, Howard took hold of Leonard's arm. "If you'll excuse us, Ladies, me and Raj need to take Leonard into his room for a little chat."_

 _Raj nodded in agreement, he took hold of Leonard's other arm and helped Howard to move him from the living room and down the corridor. Despite initial resistance, Leonard accepted the move and walked into the bedroom unaided, albeit reluctantly._

 _Bernadette crossed her arms, clearly annoyed. "I can always tell when he's lying to me. There's something going on there."_

 _Brushing over Bernadette's statement, Penny was eager to know more. She looked at Amy. "C'mon, Amy- Let's here some more about this." She pretended not to hear the raised voices coming from Leonard's room._

" _Everything was just as it always was, until about two months ago." She began. "He came over to my apartment and he just wasn't himself."_

" _How was he not himself?"_

" _He just seemed so spontaneous, he walked into the apartment and he kissed me straight away, without being asked. I can't say that it wasn't great and everything, but it felt weird, you know? He was acting really crazy - it was kinda exciting, kinda surreal."_

 _Penny and Bernadette nodded, hoping to hear more._

" _He couldn't eat anything; he was sweating really bad and talking a lot faster than what he normally would." Amy explained. "Then he got up and started pacing the apartment floor, saying that he was having the best night ever, I was the best girlfriend ever and he had never felt so..." Suddenly embarrassed, she trailed off, blushed._

" _Never felt so...?" Bernadette pushed._

" _He said he never felt so out of control of his genitalia, his mother would call him a sinner, but he didn't care, it felt good and he liked it." Amy was unable to make eye contact. "Then he started jumping on the couch, like the time Tom Cruise did, but a lot crazier. At least Tom didn't take off his shirt and throw it Oprah."_

 _Penny was genuinely lost for words. "Wow... I mean, just wow."_

" _He didn't stop there. Everything but the socks came off and it was like he didn't even care. I mean, it was pretty cold that night, but he didn't seem to think twice."_

" _Did you... Did you like it?" Bernadette asked, slightly cautiously._

 _Amy couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, I guess I did, you know? We've been together years and I thought he never would, and there he was, willing to go all the way, without being talked into it." She explained. "I didn't know why it had happened, but I was glad it had. Although, he didn't look so good, so I asked him if he wanted to stay on the sofa and then we could've talked about it more in the morning."_

" _And he said?" Penny asked._

" _How about the bed?"_


	11. Chapter 11

Leonard Hofstader perched on the edge of a bathtub, his baby son on his lap. After Clare had left, the atmosphere had become too tense to handle, so he retreated to the bathroom. "God, I really am a mess." He said to Lenny. "You know, I finally had it together and then bam, he strolls back into my life and here I am, hiding in a bathroom like a teenage girl."

Lenny giggled, wrapping his fingers around the toggle of his father's jacket.

"Oh, what would you understand, you're only two." He picked him up and raised him above his head. "You just like to play airplanes don't you?"

Lenny squealed in delight. "Again, again." He clapped his hands together.

Leonard placed him down on the floor, picked up a rubber duck and passed it to him. "Here, you play with this." He watched as his son squeezed it, amazed by the squeak it made. "You know, Lenny, I've been a real bad friend."

Lenny looked up at his father, still smiling, completely oblivious to the true meaning of his words.

"I poisoned my best friend. I was stupid and that could've killed him."

"Silly Daddy." Lenny stated.

"Exactly, I was a silly Daddy."

He closed his eyes, took a deep inhalation through his nose. Leonard was determined to keep his composure in front of his son. The memories that he had tried to hide from had flooded his mind once more – his guilt had made it impossible to move on. Whenever he thought back to that morning, it was as if he was reliving it all over again. His friend's incoherent mumbles still rang in his ears, the smell of sweat and vomit still turned his stomach and the feel of hot and clammy skin still lingered on his skin – but that was okay now. Leonard didn't want to suppress these memories and feelings anymore – He wanted to confront them head on.

 _Leonard's point of view:_

 _Leonard lay out on the couch, phone clasped tightly in his hands. He looked up at the wall clock, it was six am and if anything had happened, it would have done so by now. Leonard had not slept all night, his eyes were stinging and he had yet to change out of yesterday's clothes._

 _The sound of keys in the door made him sit bolt upright, after a few seconds it became apparent that Sheldon was struggling to get in, he heard scrambling and then a clang as the keys hit the floor. Leonard pulled the door open to find his friend on his knees._

" _I can't do it, Leonard." Shaking, Sheldon picked up his keys and handed them to Leonard. "I'm so dizzy."_

 _Taking the keys off him, Leonard tossed them to the side and took hold of his friend's arm. "C'mon buddy, I've got you." He looked him up and down. "God, you look terrible, how'd you get back here?"_

" _I took a cab." Sheldon allowed himself to be helped to his feet- he walked up those flight of stairs everyday without trouble, but today it had taken every ounce of energy he had. "Oh Lord, it's not a good day, Leonard. The relationship agreement, it's been violated."_

 _Leonard helped him down on the sofa, noting that his jacket was tied around his waste. "Let me just take that off you."_

" _No!" Sheldon protested, picking up a cushion and placing that over himself too. "You can't look Leonard, I won't let you look."_

 _Leonard instantly knew what he meant. "Hey, there's no need to be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us." He hoped that he sounded casual. "It's happened to me, more times than I like to admit." He forced a laugh._

" _How do I make it stop, Leonard? It just won't go away."_

" _Just relax, ok? You look like you've got a fever, so I'm just going to go to my room, get the thermometer and see how bad it is."_

" _It's bad, Leonard, it's really bad."_

 _In all the years that Leonard had known Sheldon, never before had he seen him this vulnerable. "Ok, I know, I know." He desperately tried to mask the panic in his voice. "It's gonna be alright, just give me a minute and I'll be right out."_

 _Leonard entered his bedroom and quickly dialled Howard's number. After several rings, the call was picked up._

" _Hey, what's up?" Howard said._

" _Howard, you gotta listen to me, this is really bad, and I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out here; you have to help me with this." He sat down on his bed and let out a hefty sigh._

" _Ok, just slow down and tell me what's happening."_

" _It's Sheldon, the powder is still working. I mean it's still doing its job now, except he's sick, like really sick." There was silence down the other end. "Howard, talk to me, what do I do?" Desperation was clear in his voice._

" _Sorry, I was just thinking." He said. "He's overdosed, Leonard. That's what I told you last night, his body can't cope with all that."_

" _This can't be happening, how the hell am I meant to deal with this? I did this to him!" He raised his voice._

" _Leonard, listen to me, you're gonna have pull it together here. You know how good his hearing is, if you carry on shouting like that, he's gonna hear you." Howard's tone was firm. "So just listen to me, you've got to just sit this out, stay with him and make sure nothing happens."_

" _No. I've got to take him to the hospital. I think this could be serious."_

" _It's really up to you, but you're going to have to tell him what you've done and explain to the doctors why there is such high levels of that crap in his body." He paused. "Do you really think that's the best thing to do?"_

" _I don't know, I just really don't know!"_

" _Listen, these drugs are relatively new, so little is know about the adverse affects, I wish I could be of more help, but I honestly don't know." Howard said. "What you need to do is get off the phone and make sure he's alright. Treat it just like any other sick day; make sure he has everything he needs until it wears off."_

" _Seriously, you can't just leave me to deal with this. I really don't think I can take this on."_

" _I can't rush over at this time of the morning. Bernadette is bound to ask questions." He said. "I'll come over later, but for now you're just going to have to deal with this." Not leaving Leonard anytime to respond, Howard ended the call._

 _Realising what he had done, Leonard threw the phone across the room. "Son of a bitch!" He took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself. He searched through his bedside table until he found a thermometer._

 _He re-entered the living room._

" _Sheldon?" He asked._

 _Sheldon tried to raise his head and mumbled incomprehensibly. Leonard noted how his shirt was sticking to him due to the large amount of sweat._

" _Ok, it's alright, no need to talk. I'll just take your temperature and we'll see what we're dealing with." Leonard knew just by looking at him that the reading would be sky high. "Just place this under your tongue and I'll make you some breakfast. It's oatmeal day today, right?"_

" _I can't."_

 _The thermometer beeped. Reading his temperature, Leonard's eyes widened in shock._

" _Is it okay?" Sheldon asked._

" _Just a bit higher than normal, nothing to worry about." He prayed he sounded convincing. "I know you may not feel like eating at the moment but..." The sound of retching abruptly interrupted him._

" _Oh Lord." Sheldon looked down at the mess he had created on the floor. "This won't do, the floor must not be contaminated in this way."_

" _It's okay. I'll clean it I promise."_

" _You won't do it properly."_

" _You have my word. I'll get it all up and I'll disinfect it properly." Sidestepping around the vomit, he helped Sheldon to sit up. "Let's just get you sorted first, ok? You'll have to have a shower."_

 _After a struggle, Leonard managed to get Sheldon into the bathroom. "Right, I'm really, really sorry about this." He placed Sheldon into the shower and began to remove his socks and shoes. He paused, waiting for protest – receiving none, he carried on. "I can't believe I'm doing this." He proceeded to remove Sheldon's trousers, followed by his shirt. "Ok, your underwear is just gonna have to get wet, because I draw the line at taking those off for you."_

 _Sheldon merely nodded, too weak to disagree._

 _Leonard drew the shower curtain, pulled up his sleeve and reached for the dial. "Okay, this might be a bit cold, just bear with it."_

 _The shower sprung to life. Sheldon didn't so much as flinch as the cold water soaked him. "Is that making any difference?" Upon receiving no response, he let the water flow as it was for a few seconds more, then adjusted it to a warmer temperature._

 _After a few minutes, Leonard switched off the water and grabbed a towel from the side. "Let's get you out." He pulled back the curtain and wrapped the towel around him. "Okay, Buddy, I'm really gonna need you to stand – Careful, it's slippery. As he was helping his friend, Leonard noticed that Sheldon was placing more and more weight onto him, soon it became too much and he felt his knees start to buckle under the pressure, accepting that he couldn't keep him upright, Leonard slowly lowered him to the ground._

 _Disorientated, Sheldon looked up at Leonard. "Why are we on the floor? We can't be on the floor, I've just showered." Despite his words, his tone lacked it's usually passion._

 _Leonard repositioned himself so that Sheldon's head was rested on his lap. "You've just fainted, that's all, and we don't have to worry." Reaching over, he picked up another towel and placed it in a way that ensured Sheldon was fully covered. "You're shaking, are you cold?"_

" _It seems cold and hot." Sheldon mumbled, confused._

" _Okay, we'll just stay here for a little while longer." He replied. "The feeling will pass in a moment and you'll be fine, just fine." He picked up his phone and typed in a number. "One thing is for sure though, neither of us is going into work today." A small part of Leonard hoped that Sheldon would snap back into action, pull the phone from his hand and tell him there was no way they were calling in sick._

 _He waited a moment. Sheldon remained where he was._

 _Disappointed, Leonard made the call._

 _oOo_

 _Leonard was exhausted. He stood outside the bathroom door, listening to his friend being violently sick – this had been going on for most of the day. It had been nearly twelve hours since Leonard had taken his friend for a shower and so far, he had only managed to move him as far as the toilet. The day had been sat on the cold bathroom tiles, holding him in place when the shaking became too intense and giving out words of reassurance when the sickness became too much to bear._

 _A knock on the door broke his train of thought._

 _He slowly approached the door, walking as slowly as he could to avoid making any noise. Looking through the peephole, he saw that it was Howard. "Where the hell have you been? When you said you'd be around later, I didn't think you'd leave it this long."_

 _Howard stepped into the apartment. "I'm sorry, alright? I had to go to work and then when I got back, Bernadette's mother had called around to see us. What was I suppose to do, tell them that I had to leave because Sheldon had overdosed on a sexual performance enhancement drug?" Not wanting to risk being heard, Howard kept his voice down to a sharp whisper._

" _I know, I get it." He sighed. "But, you don't understand what it's been like. I've never seen anything like this."_

" _Listen, I spoke to one of the people in pharmaceuticals and asked them about this." Howard said. "I didn't tell them what had happened, I just told them I was asking out of curiosity."_

" _And?"_

" _The dose he's taken isn't going to kill him, but you're in for a rough few days. The body reacts very badly to having such high levels of it."_

 _Leonard turned away from Howard and glanced the bathroom door. "This is all my fault." A thunderbolt of guilt and shame hit him. "I just can't believe that this has happened, I was impulsive and now he's suffered."_

 _Taking a seat on the couch, Howard exhaled loudly. "What can I say? None of us knew that he'd drink it. It was an accident."_

" _It doesn't feel that way." He said. "I guess I really can't think about that right now. I've gotta get back in there and make sure he's alright." Leonard was unconvinced by his own words – he knew that it would play on his mind for a long time to come._

" _That's the right attitude." He presented him with a plastic bag. "Here, I picked some stuff up on the way over here." He emptied the bag to reveal several large bottles of water. "The more you can get him to drink, the better chance he'll have of getting it out of his system. It's also a good sign that he's puking so much, it's getting it out quicker."_

 _Leonard was not comforted by the assurances. "He looks awful. I haven't been able to move him all day and it took me nearly half an hour just to get him into a pair of pyjamas!"_

" _You've just got to ride it out. I know it's awful, but right now there is nothing you can do to change the situation."_

 _Reluctantly, he nodded in agreement. "Will you excuse me for a minute? I've gotta go check on him." Upon receiving a nod, Leonard walked down the corridor and back into the bathroom. "Hey, Sheldon, you mind if I come in?"_

 _Sheldon looked up from the toilet, flushed and closed the lid. "I think I'm done being sick." He leant up against the wall to support himself. His vision blurred, the room seemed to be spinning. "I should be at work, Leonard."_

" _Don't worry about that, they know you're sick." He crouched down and took a place on the floor next to him and passed over a water bottle, watched as he drunk it. "That's good, you're probably dehydrated."_

" _Leonard?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _Can you do something for me?"_

" _Of course I will, anything you want, buddy."_

 _A knock on the door interrupted the exchange. Howard stuck his head around the door. "Hey, you mind if I come in?"_

 _Leonard nodded. "Sure."_

 _Moving in, Howard took a seat on the edge of the bathtub. He looked at Sheldon. "Leonard told me you weren't feeling well." He said. "You look awful."_

" _You don't know the half of it." Sheldon replied. Moving the conversation along, he turned too look at Leonard. "Will you do that thing for me now, Leonard?"_

" _What is it?"_

" _Will you sing me soft kitty?"_

 _Despite the circumstances, Leonard couldn't help but smile. "Are you not sick of that by now? I've been singing it all day."_

" _I'm sick, Leonard. That's my sick song."_

" _Yes, Leonard, he can't get better if you don't sing him the song." Howard joked._

" _Very well then – Howard has to sing it with me though."_

 _Howard painted on a false smile. "Sure." He said, through gritted teeth._

 _Leonard began. "Soft kitty warm kittle little ball of fur." He looked over at Howard, encouraging him to take the next part._

" _Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, "Purr, purr, purr."_

 _Sheldon sighed, looked at Leonard. "Howard was off tune, you're going to have to start again."_

Leonard pulled himself out his thoughts and looked down at Lenny. "No amount of soft kitty could make him better. It was about a week before he fully recovered. I was there the whole time, but I guess it didn't really matter how well I looked after him, it was still my fault." He got to his feet, walked over to the sink and splashed his face with water. "Anyway, we've been up here long enough." He bent down and positioned Lenny on his hip.

Arriving back, a sweeping glance of the room proved that his absence had done little to improve the situation. Sheldon had since got to his feet and was now stood awkwardly, looking at Amy who had taken a place on the couch and had turned her back to him. He turned his attention to Mary, who was watching over them in concern, clearly at a loss of what to say or do. He cleared his throat to attract their attention – Sheldon clearly ignored him and it appeared as though Amy hadn't even heard.

Mary however, diverted her attention over to where Leonard was stood. "I don't suppose you came up with any solutions whilst you were in there?"

He shrugged. "No, I got nothing. Where's Howard?"

"I think he went to his bedroom." She gestured to the stairs. "He's been up there a while, do you think he's alright?"

"He's not been alright since Bernadette..." Thinking better of it, Leonard trailed off.

"Then maybe this is just what he needs." Mary said. "If he's not coping, we could help look after Clare. At a time like this, they need people around them. I could stay in Pasadena a little while longer. I'd love to get to know her, Leonard."

Leonard sighed. "I'm not saying I don't agree with you, Mrs Cooper. Anybody would be lucky to have you as a grandmother; in fact I've always felt it was hugely unfair that you didn't get to see her grow up, but..." He lowered his voice, discreetly gestured to Sheldon and Amy. "But as far as they're concerned, she doesn't need them. I hate to be this harsh, but they've not been there for any of her life."

Disappointed, she sighed to herself, reluctantly nodded in agreement. "Would you mind if I talk to you in the kitchen?"

"Sure, it's this way." He took the lead. Entering the kitchen, he placed Lenny down and took hold of his hand.

Mary didn't waste any time, she knew what she had to say and she cut straight to the point. "You know, Leonard, I always used to think that my George was a bad Father. I don't tell this to anyone, but it's true, he was drunk all the time and he took no notice of his children."

Taken aback, Leonard was unsure of what to say. "Well, um, Sheldon never really used to talk about his father all that much."

"And why would he? George never showed him any love." A look of sadness dominated her features. "He used to come home every night and pass out in the bed next to me. Sometimes, I would just look at him and I would pray to God that none of my children would ever end up like him."

"Oh." Leonard wished he could have come up with a better response.

"God forgive me for saying this, but after Clare was born, I felt the same anger towards Shelly that I felt towards George when he was alive." She confessed -these feelings had been a burden to her for far too long. "Every Christmas and thanksgiving, Missy and George Junior would bring around their children to see me, and I would think of Clare and how much I wanted her there. The more I missed my granddaughter, the more I came to resent my son for keeping her away from me."

Leonard visibly flinched. "C'mon, Mrs Cooper. Please don't feel that way towards him, he's not a bad person."

Hardly registering what he had said, Mary continued. "I thought of Mrs Wolowitz and how she would be calling her grandma and it ate me up, Leonard. I just kept thinking of all the things they would be doing together and how that should've been my job."

"I understand, I really do, but please, please don't blame all of it on Sheldon."

She held up her hand, signalling him to stop. "There's nothing you can do it defend him. I've tried, but there's nothing I call tell myself that will ever make what he did right." Mary reached over and ruffled Lenny's hair. "He's a lovely little boy; could you ever imagine leaving him?"

"Never." He offered her a weak smile. "Do you think I should go talk to Howard?"

"Allow me." She said. "There are a few things I feel I have to say."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I don't know, but it can't be any worse than some of the ideas cooked up tonight." She turned and walked into the living room. She paused and took a look at Sheldon before heading up the stairs. Mary scanned the upstairs hallway, all but one door was closed – hoping it was the right one, she knocked.

The door was opened in seconds to reveal a pale looking Howard. "No offence or anything, but seriously, could you all just get out?"

Mary immediately noted the smell of alcohol on his breath. "Have you been drinking?"

He shrugged. "I may have had a glass or two, but I don't see how that is any of your business."

"If you have got time to drown your sorrows with cheap liquor, then you can spare me a few minutes of your time." Her tone was unusually harsh. "I have gone fourteen years without seeing my granddaughter, fourteen missed birthdays, fourteen missed Christmases. It was not my choice, but rather, it wall down to some cut all ties agreement you and my son came up with. After all the time I've lost with her, five minutes talking to you is nothing."

Howard could tell there was no chance she was going to let this one slide – Considering her words further, his tense features slowly softened. "I'm sorry." He mumbled. "Come on in." He walked back over to his bed, picked up the bottle he had been drinking from and placed it under the sheets.

Entering the bedroom, Mary took a moment to take in her surroundings. It was clear the Bernadette had taken the lead when it came to the decoration process. The walls were cream and the bed sheets were a feminine floral. She also noted the vast amount of family photographs of the Wolowitz family - time lining Clare's life from birth to her teenage years. Redecorating his bedroom was not a decision Howard took lightly. After becoming parents, Bernadette insisted that Howard adopted a more mature, tasteful bedroom. After much debate, Howard took down the light sabres, replaced the leopard print bed sheets, repainted the walls and replaced his disk with a cot and a changing table. The hardest part however, was swapping his magic tricks and sci- fi memorabilia for cuddly toys and pacifiers.

"Mind if I sit down?"

"Sure."

Awkwardly she perched on the edge of the bed. Now she was up here, Mary wasn't sure where to start. "I'm sorry about how tonight played out. Amy went a little overboard."

"Damn right she did."

Ignoring the anger in his voice, she continued onwards. "None of us are perfect, Howard. We've all made mistakes throughout this. There are things we've got wrong, things we could have handled better but didn't."

He nodded. "And we're all painfully aware of it, believe me."

"I don't know if it's possible to put things right with Clare... but, Shelly and Amy, they went very wrong when it came to her. They need to make peace with her, Howard. "

"Just like Bernadette had to? Something's are just left how they are. My wife used her dieing breath to tell our little girl that she was adopted. How can that ever be excused?"

Mary was hesitant with her response, choosing her words carefully. "Maybe she just couldn't live with it anymore?"

He raised his tone, fighting back the tears of frustration and anger that threatened to surface. "What do you mean live with it? She died an hour later! But me? I'm still here, Mary. It's me that has to deal with what she did, it's me that has to pick up the pieces and help Clare to come to terms with it, not her, she chose the easy way."

Mary could see right through his anger. "Regardless of how angry you may feel towards her, she is still the love of your life and it doesn't change how much she loved Clare, or what a loving and committed mother she was." She continued. "And even if you are angry, you're going to have to put that to one side, because right now you have a very confused and upset young girl and regardless of what you're wife said or did, your only priority must be Clare."

This only served to anger him further. He crossed his arms. "Okay, if you want to talk about priorities, we'll talk about priorities. Tell me, what was Sheldon doing the night that Clare was born? Go on, you were with him that night, you should know better than anyone."

"Let's not do this."

"No, I think we should." Howard was in no mood for backing down. "C'mon, what was he doing?"

Mary paused for a moment, despite her reluctance, she answered honestly. "He was on his laptop for most of it. You know, writing some sort of paper about whatever it was he was researching at the time. I tried talking to him, but he just ignored me."

"Interesting." He said. "Now, tell me, what was I doing?"

"You know what you were doing, you don't need me to say it."

"Yes, I do know what I was doing. I was doing everything your son should've been doing."

"Where are you going with this?"

"It took eleven hours all in all. I held Amy's hand and she had a tighter grip than any electronic robot I've ever come across, she screamed like holy hell and there was an unnatural amount of blood and gross stuff shooting out of her." He said. "As far as labour goes, hers wasn't an easy one."

"Nobody is disputing that you were there for her and Sheldon wasn't." She agreed. "But, what sort of point are you trying to make?"

"The point I'm trying to make it, you can't just come in here and start lecturing me on what my priorities should be." Howard was determined to put his point across. "How can you ever accuse me of not having Clare as my main priority? She has come way before anything else, since the moment she was born - So, don't ever tell me I'm not putting her first because you're very wrong."

Mary was lost for words- She couldn't argue with what he had said and neither did she want to.

There was a painfully long awkward silence, which was only broken by the sound of the front door opening.

"We should..." Howard gestured to the bedroom door.

Wordlessly, Mary nodded in agreement.

Despite, the hostility, Howard politely held the door open for her. If he was to be honest with himself, he wasn't truly angry with her – he was angry with himself and no matter how much he blamed the Cooper family for their mistakes, he could never quite forgive himself for all the lies he himself had told.

Howard leant over the banister, peered down into the living room. Upon seeing Raj enter alone, his heart sank. "Well, did you find her?" He shouted down.

Raj nodded. "I did. She's fine, she's a little freaked out, but she's fine. Penny arrived a little while ago and she's with her."

Mary moved passed Howard and headed down the stairs. "I'm really sorry about this, Darlin'." She said to Howard. "I know you'd prefer it if we stayed away from her, but it's about time me and my granddaughter had a little chat." Despite protests off Sheldon, she was out the door in seconds.


	12. Chapter 12

Penny reached into the glove compartment, pulled out a bar of chocolate and offered it to Clare. "You want some?" She asked. "You're probably a little confused by all this and I know it's not much, but it always cheers me up."

Clare shook her head. "No, but thanks anyway." She sunk back into her seat and stared off into the distance. So far, she had heard two different views on what happened and neither had brought her any resolution. "So, May or Amy, or whatever her name is, she's my Mom?"

Penny nodded.

"I didn't realise when I met her last week. I didn't know it was her, you see- she introduced herself to me and told me a fake name."

"Whoa, that's sneaky; she never used to be like that." Penny paused. "What is she like? I mean, what is she like now? I haven't seen her in so long." She looked away from Clare to look at the house. "After all these years, she's so close. There's so much I want to ask her."

"She's a lot prettier than me, her hair is perfect, her make up is amazing and her clothes look so expensive."

"No way?" Penny had tried for years to make Amy as stylish as she was, however, she had always held tight to her thick cardigans and sensible shoes. "She must have really changed after leaving here, because that doesn't sound like the Amy I know." She leant down and picked up her handbag, retrieved her purse and handed over a picture that it contained.

Clare studied the picture, taking in every detail. "That's surely not the same woman." Looking at the photograph seemed incredibly surreal – it looked like an older version of herself. "I couldn't see it before, but now I've seen this, it's really easy to believe that she's my mother."

"Yeap, you're her double." Penny said. "Apart from being tall, you took nothing from Sheldon – You're all Amy."

"I can see that. Although, not so much now, you won't be able to appreciate how much she's changed until you see her for yourself."

Penny nervously chewed her bottom lip. "Would you... Would you mind if I saw her? I don't know how you feel about her being here, but if it was okay with you, I'd kinda like to see her again."

"She was your friend. If you really want to see her again you should." Clare said. "Was she a good friend?"

Penny smiled, a fond look was in her eyes. "She was the best. She was always there for me if I needed her, she was always so kind and we did absolutely everything together." She looked over; tears were in Clare's eyes. Realising what she had done, her smile quickly faded. "Oh, Sweetie – I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Why didn't she want to be there for me?"Her voice was choked with tears – She had promised herself that she wouldn't cry, but it was a promise doomed to be broken. "Why didn't she want to do everything with me?"

"Oh Clare, I'm so sorry." Penny had no idea how to make any of it better. She placed an arm around her shoulder. "It's complicated, so very complicated. I've never really known for sure why she didn't..." She trailed off.

"You have no idea why she didn't want me?" Clare finished. "That's what you were going to say, weren't you?"

"Clare..."

"It's okay, you don't have to anything. I know that she didn't want me, that's why she moved all the way to London and stayed there all these years."

Penny reached over and placed a hand on top of Clare's. "Listen to me, Clare - The only person who can give you answers about how Amy felt is Amy herself." She said. "You may be angry or upset with her, but whilst she's here, surely it will give you some sort of closure if you talked to her?"

Clare was left with no time to dwell on Penny's statement as a knock on the car window brought the conversation to an abrupt end. Penny reached over and rolled down the window. "Mary, you're here too?"

Mary nodded. "Yes, I believed it was better if I was here too, but it hasn't worked out so far."

"You should come in, it's freezing outside."

"Clare, would that be okay with you?" Mary asked.

Clare merely nodded in response.

Mary took a place in the back seat and Clare turned to face her. "Do you remember me, Honey?"

"Yes." Clare said. "We met at Mom's funeral. It wasn't that long ago for me to forget you."

"I suppose you've got a point there. It sure is nice to see you again, although, we've not exactly met in the best of circumstances this time either."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound rude, but how exactly do you fit into all of this?"

"Oh." The question had clearly thrown her off guard – it hadn't crossed her mind that Clare wouldn't have figured out who she was by now. "Well, I'm Shelly's mother."

"By Shelly, do you mean Doctor Cooper?"

Mary was surprised by how flawed she was by this. There was something about the way she called him Doctor Cooper that seemed so cold and distant – it was as if she was a student attending one of his presentations, rather than his daughter. "Uh, yes, that's right. He's my boy."

"So that makes you my grandmother." She paused. "I can't believe you didn't say anything. You spent most of the day with me at my Mom's funeral and you just pretended to be some kind stranger, when all along you were my grandmother." Clare was overwhelmed by all the lies that she had apparently been told.

"I apologise for that. I didn't know that Bernadette had already told you the truth – it was not my place to tell you." She said. "I really did want to tell you, but if I had your father would never have spoken to me again, I wasn't even suppose to come near you in the first place."

Clare shook her head. "Please don't refer to your son as my father."

"Do you really think that little of him?"

"As a professional, I respect him immensely – he's a remarkable physicist who has achieved many admirable things, however my surname is Wolowitz for a reason, he didn't want to be my father, so I do not wish to be his daughter."

Mary let out a deflated sigh. "I'd only wish that you'd change you mind." She said. "He's not a terrible person; he just got things very wrong."

"Can you help me understand more about what happened?"

"How do you mean?" She asked, confused.

"Uncle Raj and Aunty Penny have told me bit about what they remember about the time leading up to my birth, is there anything that you can tell me that will help this make more sense in my mind?"

Mary nodded her head. "I can do that for you."

"And you promise to be totally honest with me?"

Mary hesitated for a moment; she knew that whatever she said next would do nothing to improve Clare's view of Sheldon, however, deciding to honour her granddaughter's request, she suppressed her doubts. "As a good Christian, I wouldn't be staying true to my faith if I was anything less than completely honest with you." She took a moment for thought, digging deep into her memories and bringing them to the forefront of her mind.

 _Mary's POV:_

 _Chaos was unfolding in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment._

 _Raj was drunkenly sprawled out on the breakfast bar, Leonard and Penny were manically throwing belongings into a rucksack and Howard and Bernadette were having a furious argument. What worried Mary the most however, was Sheldon's reaction – or, should she say his lack of reaction? After all, Raj had knocked several plates and cups onto the floor, Leonard had turned the living room upside down searching for his favourite shirt and Howard and Bernadette had raised their voices to a level way above what Sheldon would normally tolerate. Despite all of this, Sheldon remained oblivious as he flicked through his notes, highlighting the key points before typing them up onto his laptop._

" _You, Howard Wolowitz are an ass! You hear me? You're complete ass." Bernadette screeched as loud as her lungs would allow._

" _How exactly am I an ass? If having my own opinion makes me an ass, then fine, I'm an ass." Howard raised his voice to rival Bernadette. "And just so you know, you're not exactly charming yourself!"_

" _Why don't you just go tell on me to your Mommy?"_

" _Cheap shot, Bernadette!"_

" _Yeah, well, she needs to back off, Howard." Bernadette crossed her arms and glared at him. "This is between me and you, not her!"_

" _It's everything to do with her! If we have a baby together, it will be her grandchild."_

" _We agreed, Howard."_

" _Maybe I've changed my mind."_

" _I haven't." She screamed back. "I am not going to stop taking my birth control just because you get all whiny and stamp your tiny feet."_

" _You make me sick, you know that?"_

" _Well, your face makes me want throw up every time I look at it." She retorted. "And your voice, every time you open your mouth, it makes me want to punch a kitten."_

 _Howard desperately searched for a comeback. "I hate the clothes you wear!"_

" _I hate your hair cut!"_

" _Your perfume smells like monkey poop!"_

" _That's nothing compared your aftershave!"_

" _You bought me that aftershave!"_

 _Leonard zipped up his rucksack and frowned. "Guys, seriously – this was meant to be a nice weekend away for us all, let's not ruin it."_

" _It's not me, it's her."_

" _It's not me, it's her." Bernadette mimicked, childishly._

" _Oh, go to hell." He walked over to the couch, threw himself down onto it and crossed his arms. "I can't even look at you right now."_

" _Then don't." She picked up a blanket that was folded over the side of the couch and threw it over him, covering his face. "Don't you dare come out; I don't want to look at you either."_

 _Aggressively, he tore it off himself, threw it back and it landed at her feet. "You're just trying to make me mad."_

 _Bernadette spun around and walked away from him. "I'm going to the bathroom! I hope you die whilst I'm in there!"_

" _I hope you drown in the toilet."_

" _I hope Sheldon finally flips and kills you." She shot an apologetic look to Mary. "No offence, Mrs Cooper."_

" _I hope the guy off Psycho is hiding in the shower ready to jump out on you."_

" _I hope the long family of history of heart disease finally catches up with you."_

 _Leonard intervened once more. "Right, I don't mind you exchanging insults, but I draw the line at death wishes." He pointed to the bathroom. "Bernadette, you go do what you gotta do, and Howard, you stay here and cool off. You two are married; this is not the way a couple as serious as you two should be dealing with your problems."_

 _Bernadette scowled, flicked Howard off and then stormed down the corridor, making as much noise as she could possibly manage._

" _Pain in the ass." Howard muttered to himself._

 _The argument finally over, Mary approached Penny and tapped her on the shoulder to attract her attention. "Hey, Penny, I don't want you to think that I'm interfering here, but do you really think that now of all times is the best time to be going away?"_

" _It's not great I know, but the concert is tomorrow, and the tickets, they weren't cheap." She replied. "I'm sure it will be okay, everybody loves a road trip."_

 _Her words were of little comfort to Mary._

" _I really hate to ruin this for you, but Rajesh seems too drunk to stand and Howard and Bernadette seem to be experiencing some terrible marital issues."_

 _Penny took hold of the older woman's hands. "You know we have to go away." She said. "We always call you when we need help with Sheldon and we really believe that if we give you two some time alone together, you can finally be the person that makes him come around to the idea that he's going to be a father."_

" _But how? How exactly am I going to do that?"_

 _Penny rapidly blinked, clearly caught off guard – she always thought that no matter how bad things got, there was no Sheldon related problem that couldn't be solved by calling his mother. "You can say something to him... can't you?" Desperation was clear in her voice._

" _I'm going to level with you here and tell you that I'm out of my depth." She admitted. "This isn't exactly something I ever thought I'd have to deal with." She stole a glance at Sheldon, it was clear to see he was engrossed in his work._

 _Penny refused to admit defeat. "No way, you've got this. The baby will be born in around about a week, which is plenty of time to convince him to grow a pair and step up." A hand on her shoulder diverted her attention. "Leonard..." She said. You agree with me, right? "If anyone can help Sheldon, it's his mom."_

 _Leonard avoided the question. "Penny, we can discuss the when we get back, but if we want to miss the traffic, we've gotta leave now."_

" _But..." She protested, before being swiftly interrupted._

" _Leonard's right, Penny. You all go to the concert and have a great time, you leave Shelly to me." Mary said. "There is nothing much more you can do now, we've just got to hope he makes the right decision."_

 _Unhappy, Penny merely offered her a weak smile. "I'm gonna..." She gestured to Raj._

 _Upon seeing Penny approach, Raj readjusted his position. "Is it time to go?" He slurred._

" _Drunk enough?"_

 _He shuffled off the breakfast bar, knocking over more plates as he did so. "Ooops." He clasped his hands to his mouth. "Maybe I'm too drunk?"_

" _Just as long as you don't puke in the car you're good."_

 _Raj gave her a soppy grin and staggered out into the living area to join the rest of the group. The sound of the toilet flushing could be heard and Bernadette returned._

" _Right." Leonard said. "Are we all good to go?"_

 _Howard pointed at Bernadette. "I can't stand the thought of a three hour car journey with her."_

 _Bernadette shook her head. "Then don't go then, you big baby."_

" _Fine! Maybe I won't." He crossed his arms._

" _We'll that's decided then." She reached into her pocket and pulled out two tickets, putting one back, she ripped up the other and threw it like confetti. "Have a good weekend on your own, mommy's little prince."_

" _Are you crazy?" He looked at the pieces in disbelief. "Who the hell do you think you are? That cost fifty bucks!"_

" _At least you don't have to spend the weekend with me." She taunted him further. "Isn't that what you wanted?"_

 _He merely stared at her in open mouthed shock._

 _Sheldon, who had been silent throughout finally spoke up. "To quote the mail man, those bitches be crazy."_

 _Mary crossed her arms, shooting him a look of disapproval. "Now, Shelly, I 'm glad you're making friends, but I don't want you talking to that man no more if he's going to be teaching you bad words like that – remember, Jesus is always listening and you've just made him mad." Her tone was firm._

 _Ignoring his mother, Sheldon turned his attention back to the computer screen, and with that he had shut the rest of the world out once more._

 _Howard was determined to even the scores with Bernadette, he was furious and didn't plan on hiding it – he looked at her and then gestured to where Sheldon was sat. "You know, it's a bit of a kick in the pants."_

 _She gritted her teeth. "What is?"_

" _That self centred people like him can have children, but when it comes to guys who would do anything to be a Dad, they are denied that chance!"_

 _The entire room was clearly in shock that Howard had gone that far – they each held their breath in nervous anticipation. Bernadette was the first one to react, her anger had quickly dissolved – now, she was in deep distress, wounded by her husband's cruelty. She swallowed back the lump in her throat and replied in a tone that barely masked her hurt. "Right... I'll see you in a few days."_

" _Bernie, I..."Seeing the look on her face, regret instantly washed over him._

 _Holding up her hand, she signalled him to stop. "Don't apologise if you don't mean it."_

 _Breaking eye contact, she turned her back to him and made her way to the door, desperately trying to keep her composure. Quickly, Howard got to his feet and rushed over to her, placing a hand on her arm. "Please, don't leave like this; I take it back."_

 _She shrugged off his grip. "Even if you hadn't said it, you would still have felt that way, and that's the problem, we want different things out of life now." A lone tear escaped out of the corner of her eye. Without another word, Bernadette turned away from Howard, out into the corridor, down the stairs and out of sight._

 _In that moment, Howard was desperate to fall apart, he wanted to shout, scream and throw things until all the pent up anger, frustration and heartbreak was out of his system, however, painfully aware that all eyes were upon him, he opted to make light of the situation and forced a laugh. "You know, I'm actually glad I'm not going, I never liked Maroon 5 anyway – if you've heard one song you've heard them all, am I right?"_

 _Raj spoke up, his words jumbled and slurred. "You take that back, you're just jealous because Adam Levine has a voice to die for and you don't get to hear it live." In his drunken state, the significance of Howard's problems hadn't properly sunk in. "I'll be there, singing along to This Love, shaking my booty to moves like Jagger and crying through payphone; and you're going to be here, so sad that you missed it."_

 _Howard painted on a smile that he hoped was convincing. "You got me, Raj. Now, you guys get going and don't forget to film some of it on your phones."_

 _Sensing that the conversation was not up for discussion, Penny made her way towards the door. "Does Maroon 5 sing Hey Soul Sister?"_

" _Even I know that's Train." Leonard followed close behind her. "Although, I thought for months that that Maroon 5 sang Drive By, so I can let that one slide." He winked at her._

 _Raj was the last one to exit. "Oh my God! They are two very different bands and if you can't tell the difference between the two, then I question why I'm even going with you." Disheartened, Raj kicked the door closed on his way out._

 _With that, they were gone, leaving Mary, Sheldon and Howard alone._

 _Ignoring Howard's presence, Mary walked over to where Sheldon was sat and peered over his shoulder. "What are you working on there?"_

" _You wouldn't understand." He kept his eyes glued to the screen, his voice an emotionless monotone._

" _Try me."_

 _Sheldon couldn't disguise his impatience. "Unless you have a PHD in physics, you don't have a hope of understanding a word of it, so I'm not going to waste either of our time by even attempting to explain it to you."_

 _Frustrated, Mary wheeled the chair away the desk and swivelled it around so they were face to face. "When you talk to me, I expect you to look at me."_

 _Without response, Sheldon sighed, got to his feet, stepped around her and made his way into the kitchen. "Howard, since you clearly have no intention of leaving any time soon, can I offer you a beverage?"_

 _Howard sat down on the couch and lay out flat on his front, burying his face in a pile of cushions. "Vodka, just bring me the bottle."_

 _Mary placed a hand on his shoulder. "You'll have a cup of tea and then I strongly recommend you call your girl and apologise."_

 _Annoyed, Sheldon crossed his arms. "So, what's it to be, vodka or tea? I don't have time for this kind of indecision, I'm a busy man, you know." After a moment of thought, he reached into the cupboard and pulled out two mugs. "Actually, we don't have any vodka, what need would we have for it?"_

" _Hey Shelly?" Mary said. "How about you get back to whatever it is you were doing and me and Howard will take care of the tea?"_

" _Very well, but I think I'll take a pass, the only person who makes my tea just the way I like it is Leonard, and he's not here." He pulled out his desk chair and began typing._

 _Once they were alone in the kitchen, Mary placed a comforting arm around Howard's shoulder. "Do you want to tell me what's been eating away at you?"_

 _Howard reached up into the cupboard and retrieved the teabags and dropped them into two mugs. "It's fine really – it was nothing, just some stupid argument." He picked up the kettle, frowned to find it empty. "You're closest to the sink, could you?" He handed it over._

 _Mary placed it to the side, making no effort to fill it. "Let's forget about that just for one moment. Those things you said to one another, that outburst you had, that's more than just your standard disagreement."_

 _Avoiding eye contact, he diverted his eyes downward, focusing on a stain that marked the tiles. "I know I went way too far – it just built up and built up and it all just came out."_

" _What you said about Shelly..." Mary lowered her voice. "You might as well have said, why him and not me?"_

 _He shrugged, still refusing eye contact. "It was stupid, just a stupid thing to say."_

" _You don't have to explain yourself to me – admit it." She was determined to get him to open up to her. "All of this is killing you. You look at Shelly and you see someone in a position that you'd give anything to be in and you can't believe he's not embracing it like you would."_

 _Finally, Howard raised his head to look at her. "I get it, you know? He doesn't seem to be happy about this, I don't expect him to act in any particular way and I'm not judging him. It's just that, I can't help but feel..."_

" _Jealous?" Mary finished._

 _Howard wasn't going to deny it, neither did he want to. "If that makes me a bad person, then so be it. I can't help it, I want to be a Dad so bad and I've tried for so long to be okay with the fact Bernie doesn't want children, but I just can't do it anymore."_

" _Oh, Howard." Her heart broke for him._

 _The shrill ring of the telephone brought the conversation to an abrupt end, unsatisfying end._

 _Sheldon reached over and accepted the call. "Hello." He paused as the other person spoke. "Yes, this is he." His blank expression turned into a frown. "Oh, I see."_

 _Mary and Howard exchanged looks of confusion._

" _Who do you think it is?" Howard whispered._

" _Could you send her my apologies? I'm all tied up with a load of work stuff and I can't get away." There was a pause. "Yes, I do realise that, but there is no chance I'll ever be able to get there tonight." Without so much as a courteous goodbye, Sheldon hung up and resumed his previous activity._

 _Howard cleared his throat, attracting his attention._

" _What can I do for you now?" Sheldon asked, clearly irritated by the interruption._

" _What was that all about?"_

 _He pointed to the telephone. "Oh, that?"_

" _Yes, that."_

" _Well, it would appear that Amy Farrah Fowler has what you would call, gone into labour." His voice was calm and casual – the kind of tone that most people would use to recite their shopping list. "Yes, it is a week off her due date, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem, those things are mostly just estimates anyway._

 _Mary sprung into action, picking her bag up off the floor and swinging it over her shoulder. "Right, get your coat and anything else you may need, we're going to have to get to the hospital." She looked at Howard. "Do you know the number of any local cab companies?"_

 _Sheldon shook his head. "That won't be necessary." He reached into one of the drawers and pulled out a pack of highlighters. "Like I said to the woman on the phone, I couldn't possibly go anywhere tonight."_

 _A mixture of heartbreak and fury flashed in her eyes. "Sheldon Cooper, that is the most shameful thing you have ever said – I have always been proud of you, you know that, but when you say stuff like that, it makes me so mad."_

 _Howard intervened. "Listen, Sheldon. If you miss this, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life." He continued. "It may not seem like it now, but this is going to be the best thing ever, you'll have a little boy or girl, that is going to love you so much and you'll love them straight back."_

 _Sheldon could think of no response._

" _He's right, Shelly." Mary agreed. "I know you haven't been there for her throughout all this, but once you see that baby, it will change you life forever."_

 _Sheldon looked down at the floor, unable to meet their eyes. All of a sudden, it was like he was a vulnerable child again. "But what if I don't want my life to change?" He nervously chewed on a pen. "I don't... I just won't..."_

" _Go on, tell me." Mary urged._

 _He picked up a book, opened it up to the page he wanted and held it in such a way that it hid his face from view. "I can't tell you. You'll just hear what you want to hear."_

" _This terrifies you, doesn't it?" She paused. "This is what this is all about. You've got your life just how you want it and now here comes a baby, and you just can't find a way of fitting them into your life."_

" _Mother, I..." Once more, he was unable to express himself._

" _I get it, Shelly, really I do. Becoming a parent may be frightening at first, but it will be the best and most worthwhile thing you do." She took the book away from him, placed it out of his reach. "All you've got to do is face that fear and go to the hospital."_

" _I don't know why you are trying to second guess me, mother. You can't understand me - You never have been able to." He replied. "But that's okay; I know that most people don't."_

 _Mary took hold of his hands and clasped them as tight as she could. "I love you so much, Shelly. Maybe you're right, maybe I don't always understand why you feel or believe something, but I'm always willing to try, you've just got to help me to do that."_

" _I don't know how to." He admitted. "I want you to understand me and want to help you understand me, but I don't know how." Sheldon pulled his hands away. "I don't think I will ever be the son you need me to be."_

" _Don't you ever think like that." Her voice became choked with tears. "I love you and I don't care about any of your faults, quirks or whatever – Just as long as you're happy, I don't care about any of it."_

" _But you're not happy, I may be happy with my life, but you're certainly not – You deserved a good Christian son, who can give you all the affection you want and who comes around for Christmas dinner with his wife and however many children."_

 _That was enough to break her – she let the tears cascade. "Oh Shelly, you do whatever job you want and believe whatever you want to believe, but please don't give up on your own child, or me for that matter."_

" _You don't need me, mother." For the first time that night, true emotion was present in his voice. "You may think that I've been ignoring this whole thing with Amy and her baby, but I've been thinking so much about it all."_

" _Tell me what you've been thinking about." She pleaded. "It doesn't have to make sense and you can use big, complicated words if you want to, I just want us to talk to one another, just like a mother and son should do."_

" _I've been thinking about the sort of man that I am, and I've realised that who I am may not necessarily be the right kind of person for certain things." He paused, looked at Mary. "And that includes you, I realise after all this time, you'd probably better off without me in the same way Amy's baby would be." He got to his feet._

 _Howard stepped in before Mary could answer. "Sheldon, you don't get it do you? She loves you unconditionally."_

 _Sheldon turned his back to them, picked up his laptop. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish off my work in my bedroom." He took on last look at his mother. "Don't waste any more time here. You should go back to Texas and get on with your life; spend time with Missy and her son, go visit George Junior and his wife."_

" _Shelly, please."_

" _I don't say this often, but I'm sorry. I really am." With that, he retreated to his bedroom and locked the door behind him._

 _Howard placed a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay, just let him go." He advised. "Emotions are high in situations like these, just give him some space."_

" _I don't think any amount of space will solve this."_

" _It's a crazy time, Mary."_

 _She nodded. "Where do we go from here?"_

 _He reached into his pocket and retrieved his vesper keys. "Well, he's fine for now in his room, but Amy, she's going to need someone to be there for her." He said. "I may not be her first choice, but I feel I should at least go check she's okay."_

" _That's a real kind thing you're going to do."_

" _It's fine." He said. "And hey, for what it's worth, I wouldn't even try to convince him to come to the hospital – this has got to be a decision he makes for himself."_

 _Lost for words, she merely nodded._

" _You take care of yourself; I'll ring you to let you know what's going on." Upon receiving no response, he left the apartment._

" _He's right." She told herself. "No father should need convincing." Mary walked over to Sheldon's door and pressed her ear up against it, curling her hand around the door handle, wishing he would let her in. "Please don't do this to me, Shelly – You still need your mother, you'll always need me."_

 _She held her breath, waiting for him to respond – she prayed he would unlock the door, wrap his arms around her and say that he didn't mean it – of course he needed her._

 _Except, he didn't._

 _She turned her back to the door and slid down it, bringing her knees up to her chin. "I'm just going to stay right out here. I'm not going anywhere."_

 _That was where she remained for most of the night._

Mary finished talking and looked at Clare. "Now, darling, I know that what I've just told you, probably won't make you view Shelly in a more positive light, but I just wanted you to know that you weren't the only one he left and that I understand how much this hurts."

Penny was the first one to respond. "I never realised he said any of that stuff to you."

"I don't like to talk about it." She said. "If Lenny said anything like that to you, how would you feel?"

"It would kill me."

"It does, Penny. He's broken my heart so many times - you know, after he left it was nearly two years before he got back in contact with me?" She blinked back the tears that threatened to surface. "Even then, I couldn't have the kind of relationship I desperately wanted – I had to sign some stupid agreement, agreeing to deny that I knew where he was." Mary placed a hand on Clare's knee. "I'm so sorry; I just couldn't bear to lose him again, so I did what he asked of me."

"Why would you do that to yourself?"

"He was a very broken man, Clare." Mary said. "He wasn't a bad person, but he didn't know how to love the way he should, but I do believe he's changed over the years, really I do. Slowly, with the help of Amy, he's opened himself up more, come to accept that relationships are a vital part of life – it may be a slow process but I believe he's getting there, really I do."

Clare placed her hand over Mary's. "I feel like you are my grandmother. From the moment I met you at Mom's funeral, I felt like we had this connection – it must have been something inside of me that just knew you were someone special, did you feel it too?"

Mary nodded. "Yes, yes I did. I've loved you since the moment I saw you when you were just a day or so old, I knew I had to have you in my life forever – losing you, it broke my heart." She opened up her arms and Clare leant into them. "I've waited so long for this; having you in my arms after all this time is all I've ever wanted."

"It does feel, right." Clare admitted. "But, I don't feel the same way when I look at your son, can you understand that?"

She nodded.

"When I look into your eyes, I see love and security – but when I look at him, I don't feel anything, no instant connection, no nothing." Ending the embrace, Clare kept hold of Mary's hand. "I just wanted to tell you this, because you need to know that I will always be a Wolowitz and only one man will ever be my father."

However much she wanted to, Mary knew that she couldn't persuade Clare otherwise. "I accept what you say, darling. When he got back into contact with me, part of the deal was that I don't have contact with me, but whatever happens, I'm no longer willing to stick to that."

"So, you still want me to be part of you life?"

"It would be a dream come true if you were."

Clare smiled. "Then I will, I will be part of your life from now on." She placed a kiss on Mary's cheek and opened the car door. "But, if you'll excuse me, there's something I need to do now." Getting out of the car, Clare walked back towards the house.


	13. Chapter 13

Back in the house, Howard sat at the kitchen table, mug of strong black coffee in his hand - after having a few drinks, he needed something to clear his head. He wrapped his hands around the mug, allowing it to warm up his hands.

He turned to Raj, who had taken a seat next to him. "Are you sure I can't get you anything?"

"No, thanks." He lowered his voice. "Do you want me to help you get rid of them?"

"What are we meant to do, go into the sitting room and throw them over our shoulders?"

Raj could help but laugh. "Maybe we could just about manage to lift Amy, but I don't think that would work with Sheldon."

Howard offered him a small smile. "We could tackle him to the ground – I'll take the arms if you take the legs." Howard thought for a moment; this is what he loved about his friendship with Raj – no matter how bad a situation got, they could always find a way of laughing together.

"That would be fun, we are good at teamwork." He glanced back towards the living room where Sheldon, Amy and Leonard were sat together. "But, you know, I'm kind of worried about Leonard, he's putting a lot on the line by sticking with him in such a way."

"He's missed him, I can understand that... I guess."

"Maybe it's guilt?"

"We've always known that he's felt a lot of guilt; we all have in our own way." Howard continued. "But, it was an accident and however bad I may feel about bringing those drugs that night, I wouldn't change it. It gave me my daughter and even though it wasn't the best of circumstances, I will not feel guilty about Clare being born because of it."

Raj considered his words, nodding slowly in agreement. "I guess I never thought of it that way."

"Neither has, Leonard. That's why he can't deal with what's happened."

The front door opening could be heard.

Howard was the first to react, he jumped out of his chair and rushed through to the other room. A look of relief flooded his features when he came face to face with Clare. "Oh, thank God, I was so worried."

Ignoring all the other people present, she ran across the room, straight into his arms. "I just want you, Dad."

Leonard looked over at Sheldon and Amy. "Hey guys, maybe it's better if you just left now."

Amy shook her head. "Listen to me, Clare. Can we please just have a few minutes with you, you need to understand."

Howard pulled Clare in closer to himself. "You heard her. Are you going to leave willingly, or am I going to have to throw you out?" He narrowed his eyes at them.

Sheldon looked at Leonard, searching for guidance. "Leonard, is that the right thing to do, should we go?"

He nodded, bent down and picked up Lenny. "C'mon, buddy, uncle Sheldon will stay with us tonight."

Amy frowned, crossed her arms. "Are you serious? We can't just leave, we have so much we need to say and she has to hear us out!"

"C'mon Amy." Sheldon gestured towards the door. "The way I see it, we don't have another option."

"I can't give up on our daughter twice; I can't do it, Sheldon." There was heartfelt passion in her voice. She took a step closer to Clare, who in turn, turned around to face her. "Please, this isn't easy for you; I get that, but please don't ask me to leave."

Howard didn't give Clare a chance to respond. "She's not your daughter. Bernadette was her mother and now that she's gone, it doesn't mean you can just step in and take over, not by a long shot."

"I'm not trying to, really I'm not; I just want to show her that despite everything I did, I want to make it right."

"She wants you to leave." He was firm and very much insistent.

Amy looked Clare. "Is that what you really want? Do you want me to leave?"

Clare nodded.

"No." Amy said. "I want to hear you say it."

Howard sighed, rolled his eyes. "Don't embarrass yourself."

"I don't care how this looks; I just want to hear her say it." "

Clare looked at Howard and then back to Amy. "Don't you get it? You already left me a long time ago." Taking a deep breath, she squeezed Howard's hand and then walked into the centre of the room that was midway between Sheldon and Amy. "I'm sorry, May, but you and Doctor Cooper have to leave again, except, this time I do have a choice in it."

A look of hurt flashed in Amy's eyes. "Doctor Cooper and May?"

"Or, whatever it is your name actually is -it doesn't matter what I call you, just as long as it's not Mom and Dad." She held open the front door. "Please, leave."

Amy opened her mouth to reply, however, no words came out – Of all the scenarios she had created in her mind, not once did she ever imagine this. Sheldon altered his tone to one of warning. "Amy, you heard her, let's go." Defeated, she did what she was instructed. Leonard and Sheldon followed on behind her – Once they were all out, Clare swiftly shut the door and bolted it.

Amy stared at Sheldon with an icy glare. "I can't believe you gave up that easy." She pushed by him and headed off down the garden path.

"Amy, where are you going?" Leonard shouted after her. "Listen, it's been a tough night, let's all just get some sleep and we can talk in the morning."

"I'm done talking, Leonard." She slipped off her engagement ring and threw it at Sheldon. "You didn't back me up, why didn't you back me up?" Tears of frustration and heartbreak flowed freely – she had gone passed the point of controlling her emotions. "You've let me down again."

Sheldon bent down to retrieve the ring. "She didn't want us there, Amy."

"You didn't even try." She screamed out.

"She had already made up her mind, there's not a lot I could've done to change that."

Amy defiantly shook her head. "I guess we'll never know, not now anyway."

"Listen, let's just book a flight back to England." He suggested. "We can go home, get our lives back on track."

"No, you go back to England if you want, but I can't leave."

"Well, when will you be back? Let's not forget you have other commitments." He reminded. "One very important one in particular."

"I realise that, I will sort it all out."

"What are you trying to say, here?"

Mary joined them, closing the garden gate behind her. She gave them a look of warning. "Would you keep your voices down? I could hear you all the way down the road."

Ignoring his mother's warning, Sheldon kept his eyes on Amy. "Tell me, what are you trying to say here? You can't not come back with me; we're supposed to be getting married!" He took a step towards her. "I can tell you're angry, but let's not get this out of proportion."

"That's exactly the problem here, Sheldon! You don't see this like I do, I gave her up for you once, but now, if I have to give you up for her, then I will." Amy couldn't quite believe what she had said. "If you can't support me on this, then just leave me alone." She left him with no time to defend himself; instead she turned and strode away from him, ignoring every urge she had to look back.

"Amy, please don't leave like this." Mary said. It was too late and before they knew it, she was around the corner and out of sight.

oOo

Amy had been wandering around aimlessly for quite a while – she had lost track of the time. It was cold and she had forgotten to bring a coat. Her mind continuously flashed back to the way Clare held onto Howard, seeking comfort and protection, in a way that she never had and never would with her. Howard had been fiercely protective of Clare from the moment she was born and it was clear to see that it had never gone away. Of all the regrets she had, not holding her daughter had been the biggest - even Sheldon had at least done that. Amy had often asked him to describe what it was like, however he could offer little more insight beyond she was didn't weigh a lot.

She reached into her pocket and looked at her phone – so far, she had five missed calls off Sheldon. Amy sighed; this night had gone drastically wrong. Her face fell when she saw her Wi-Fi was down, she really needed the number of a cab service – the hotel was a long walk, especially in such cold weather.

Amy thought back to her life in England, even though the weather was terrible at the moment, it was nothing compared to what she was used to – never before had she experienced such an unpredictable climate. It wouldn't be uncommon for her to leave the house with the sun shining, only to have to walk back in the pouring rain hours later – she soon learned to carry an umbrella no matter what time of the year it was.

She could hear the roar of an engine behind her, for a moment, she considered flagging the car down and hitching a lift, however, thinking better of it, she continued to walk. After a few moments, Amy noted that the car appeared to be rolling to a stop beside her – curious she turned to face it.

She peered into the driver's side, catching her breath as she came face to face with the driver. For a moment she was still, unable to move from her spot on the sidewalk.

The driver rolled down the window and stuck their head out. "I've heard nothing from you in years, but when I saw you leave the house, I just couldn't resist coming after you." They opened the door and stepped out. "Don't even think about running away again, now that I've got you here, there is so much I've got to say."

"Penny." Amy stated. She looked her once best friend up and down. There was a marked difference in her appearance after all these years. "You got so..."

"Old? Fat?" Penny offered.

She shook her head. "No, no, you just look different, that's all. You look great."

"Not as great as you." Penny took a step towards her. "The years have been kind to you."

Amy couldn't help but blush. "Sheldon made a lot of money in his new job."

Penny reached over and touched her handbag. "I should say, I saw this in Vogue once – They're worth a month of my wages and they are so hard to buy." She inspected it further, Amy had got the blue version, however Penny had been dreaming of the pink – even so, she would've given anything to be seen with a bag like it.

Amy looked it up and down. "I bought a new dress to go to a presentation where Sheldon works." She said. "After I bought it, my personal shopper insisted that I got the bag to go with it – she's kinda scary and hard to say no to."

"Whoa, you have a personal shopper?"

She shrugged. "I did, but that was a while ago now." Amy lifted up her handbag. "This came out at least a year ago now, I would've had a new one every month or so, but that's not important anymore."

Penny couldn't help but be in awe of the other woman – everything from her silky hair to her perfectly manicured nails was dazzling. "Did you get your teeth done too?"

Embarrassed, Amy raised a hand to her mouth. "I may have gone a shade whiter – I tend to use the home kits now, they're much cheaper." She added. "Not as good, but cheaper."

Penny smiled. "Sheldon has had work done on his too, am I right? He denied it when I asked him the other day, but there was no way in hell his teeth were ever that white before he left."

Amy knew Sheldon would be super mad if she let it slip, however, under the current circumstances, she didn't feel particularly loyal to him at that very moment. "I may have talked him into coming with me a few times." She paused. "And, if it wasn't for a certain hair treatment, he would've gone bald three years ago." A look of guilt flashed across her features. "It's starting to thin out again now, though. That's the problem with not keeping up the treatments."

"No way!" She reached over and felt Amy's hair. "But, he's not the only one, right? I know extensions when I see them."

Amy's eyes widened. "You're the first person who's been able to tell." She tucked a strand behind her ears. "I sometimes can't tell where my actual hair ends and where the extensions begin."

"Oh, sweetie, I can always tell... always."

"They're not as good since I started having them done at the shopping centre – my stylist used to do a much better job."

Penny could hardly believe what she was hearing. "Seriously... What exactly has Sheldon been doing all these years to make all that money? Did he hold up a bank? Kidnap the queen for ransom?"

"After leaving here, he became more willing to travel. He's been on countless research projects all around the world, and the more he went on, the more successful his research became."

"And that made him a lot of money?"

She explained. "He was able to publish books and gain a ridiculous amount of funding ... providing he used a pseudonym and didn't get his photograph printed anywhere, he was able to become even more successful than what he ever could have wished."

"Wow... That's amazing." However much disappointment Penny had felt towards Sheldon, this still brought her an enormous amount of pride. "All that work finally paid off."

"It did." She was quiet for a moment. "Until he lost it all... It was all my fault, Penny." She was expecting judgement, but to her surprise, none came.

Penny reached over, placed her arms around Amy and pulled her in. "Do you need to talk about it, sweetie?" She knew the past few years must've been difficult and whatever had happened, Penny resolved to be there for her. "We've all done stuff we're not proud of."

"I think you might hate me."

"I've lost count of the amount of times I've maxed out Leonard's credit cards; I couldn't hate you without being the world's biggest hypocrite."

"But, have you ever bankrupt him?"

Penny reached into her pocket, retrieved her car keys. "Get in, we're going for a drive." She said. "I feel like this conversation should not take place on a sidewalk."

oOo

Sheldon sat on his friend's couch, staring blankly at the television.

Leonard emerged from the bedroom. "Right, Lenny's asleep and Penny isn't back yet, so c'mon, let's talk this out."

Sheldon stood up and began to pace the floor. "I don't want to talk about this Leonard; there is nothing that can be done to solve this." He crossed his arms. "This was meant to make her happy; I needed to make her happy, just like I used to!"

"Just take it easy, we can do something."

"I'm all out of ideas, Leonard." His face wore a heavy look of despair. "I had to come here, I had to try to put this right, but there was never any guarantees that it would ever work out – I thought she understood that."

Leonard stood up, walked over to where his friend was and placed a hand on shoulder. "Let's just take a moment to calm down." He said. "I get how she feels, really I do - she must have had a lot riding on Clare's forgiveness."

Deflated, Sheldon sank back down onto the sofa. "She really did, but surely she must've known there was a chance that Clare wouldn't want to have anything to do with us?" He was struggling to understand the whole situation. "In fact, after the way we left her, it was obvious that the odds were stacked firmly against us."

Leonard took the spot next to him. "I guess so, but she had to try. Do you get that?"

Sheldon nodded. "I suppose I do. I'm sorry too; you know that, don't you?"

If Leonard was to be honest with himself, he wasn't entirely sure just how remorseful his friend was for leaving Clare. "Of course I do." He prayed that Sheldon didn't recognise the doubt in his voice.

"I tried to give her everything. I couldn't make up for the fact that we couldn't look after our child like most parents would be able to, but when I got to England, I made as much money as I possibly could." He looked at Leonard. "It was a lot of money, Leonard – I was able to give up work four years ago."

"That's... That's impressive." Leonard could hardly believe what he was hearing.

"It was – we had three vacation homes, she had five cars and our house was big enough for ten people." He stopped for a moment, sighed. "I gave her a life she had always wanted, but soon that was not enough."

"I think I understand."

"It took me a while, but eventually I did too." Sheldon said. "She was happy, but she realised that she would've been happier if she hadn't given up her daughter." He shook his head, rephrased. "Our daughter."

"So, you came back?"

He shook his head. "Not exactly."

"Not exactly?"

"At the time when she realised this, Bernadette was still alive and we didn't dare came back, so she found other ways of dealing with her unhappiness."

Leonard was clearly confused. "I don't understand."

"We may not have had our daughter, but we had money and at the time, we had lots of it." He explained. "So, she bought whatever the heck she wanted; she went out for dinner every night to the most expensive restaurants, she bought all the latest fashions whether she liked them or not and she would buy crate after crate of the most expensive champagne."

"But you could afford it, right?"

"That? Yes, yes I could." He paused, thought for a moment. "It was when she started going to the casinos, that's when it became a problem... well, it wasn't just the casinos, she'd also attend many high stakes poker games, most of them were illegal of course."

"Amy?" Leonard couldn't believe it. "Are you serious?"

"Why would I lie?"

"Sorry... you carry on."

"Anyway, she lost way more money that what she ever won. Eventually, it sent us into crippling debt and I lost most of my money paying them all off." He continued onwards. "But, that was fine; I just sold all our properties, cars and anything of mine that was of value... I let her keep all of her expensive clothes and makeup, but that just meant I had to sell more of my stuff too keep us going."

Leonard could barely mask his shock. "That's... that's very unselfish of you."

He shrugged. "It didn't matter – we live like we did before I made all my money. We're in no way wealthy, but we've got no debt and now that I've returned to work, the bills can be paid without too much problem."

"I'm just glad to hear you're alright now."

"I didn't mind losing it all, Leonard. The money didn't matter to me anyway." He said. "It was just the more I bought her, the more it seemed to make up for the fact she was without Clare."

"But did that work?"

"Not really, maybe initially, but not in the long term- that's why we came here." Sheldon held Leonard's gaze. "I've come to realise that unless she got to see Clare and apologise for leaving her, we would never really be able to move on."

Leonard wished there was more he could do. "I'm so sorry, Sheldon."

"What for?"

"I just wished it had worked out for you." There was a moment of silence. "What do you think you're going to do now?"

"The way I see it is there's only one thing I can do." Sheldon had thought long and hard about what he was about to say. "I've got to go back to England and hope that she eventually comes back to me."

"And that's it? You're really just going to let her leave you?"

"I'm not letting her leave me, if she wants to stay here and try and make amends with Clare, I can't deny her that, even though I personally believe that she won't achieve anything." He got to his feet. "I can see this ending badly and when it does, she's going to want to come back to me and I fully intend to be there for her."

"But... I don't want you to leave." Leonard knew he sounded desperate, but at that point, he was passed caring. "I really don't. I need more time."

"I've got to, Leonard. There's no reason to stay around now."

Leonard stood up. "There's plenty!"

"There really isn't." He said. "I've got to go back to England, I can't really explain why for now, but once things have settled down, I'll explain everything to you."

Leonard never expected himself to get angry, but yet it had happened. "That's just lies!" He raised his voice further. "You're just saying whatever you think I want to hear, so you can slip out without me trying to stop you, but you can't do that to me, not twice!" Leonard was stopped in his tracks by the sound of his son's cries.

"I think you've woken him up."

"I know that!" Leonard took a couple of deep breaths. "Right, I'm going to go see to him. You stay exactly where you are – This conversation isn't over."

"Leonard, I..." He found himself swiftly interrupted.

"What did I just say? This conversation is not over; it isn't ever close to over." Not willing to argue further, Leonard turned on his heel and moved into Lenny's room.

Sheldon glanced at the door and sighed. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a pen before scanning the room for paper – eventually, he settled on the back of a receipt. After scribbling a rushed message, he crept across the room, opened the door as quietly as he could and slipped out.


	14. Chapter 14

Howard had never felt so lonely, but that was okay. He had always been a brilliant fantasist and on the occasions where his loneliness threatened to swamp him, he would create the perfect vision in his mind and she would be right there by his side.

He could see her now, lying in the empty space that was once her side of the bed.

"Oh, Howie." She said. "If you wanted someone to talk to, you should've called Raj. He did offer to stay here last night." After she first died, her voice was crystal clear in his mind, but now he was struggling to remember how it sounded – it had only been six months, but somehow, it had become very vague.

Howard shuffled in closer to her.

At times, she seemed so real he would lose all concept of reality.

"Raj? I really don't see how he can help me to deal with what you did." He was careful not to sound too angry, even if it was just his imagination he was shouting at. "I mean, you could've come to me and told me how you felt. If you were that desperate to tell her, I would've helped you."

She remained quiet, turning her face away from him

Sitting up in bed, he secured his robe. "Hey, c'mon, don't be like that." He said. "Tell me, how's ma? Has she been giving you a hard time up there? Because if she has, you can tell her from me to knock it off."

She pondered the question for a moment, stealing a glance at the photograph of Clare on the bedside table. "She's proud of what a great father you've become, she knows how hard it is to be a single parent and she thinks you're getting it right."

"It's going to be even harder after last night." He looked her in the eyes, almost too scared to ask the question. "Why'd you do it, Bernie? I just had no idea what you thinking."

Bernadette blinked a few times – her face was a picture of innocence that never, ever failed to take him in and melt his heart. "Do what?"

"Well, you know, why'd you have to make it just so damn hard? That's what it was, she had lost her mother and that was only made worse by telling her she was adopted." He left out a hefty sigh. "I want to make this better for her, I just don't know how."

She merely smiled at him. Howard looked at her and saw the same beauty and warmth that she always used to possess. When she was alive, it didn't matter how many arguments they had, or how mad she made him, she always had a way of evaporating his anger and making him love her just that little bit more than what he did before.

"Ok." He said. "I get it, so maybe you had your reasons, it's just that I never..." Howard paused, unsure of how to finish.

"You just never expected me to do it?"

"Well, no." He confessed. "It was just so unexpected, I never saw it coming."

She let out a little laugh and pointed to his foot. "We're masters of the unexpected; you yourself are proof of that."

Howard felt his tense features melt into a smile. Relaxing into a laugh, he removed his sock to reveal the empty space where his big toe used to be. "To this day, I still can't step into your parent's house without having flashbacks."

"You big baby." She winked. "There are worse body parts that could've been shot off."

"I'd like to have seen how you would've reacted if a three year old fired a gun at you." It felt strange to Howard referring to her in the past tense. "You would've screamed like a baby, too."

Bernadette placed her hand over her mouth, desperate to stifle the hysterical laughter that was about to spill out.

"I don't seem to remember you laughing at the time! You were pretty freaked out if I remember rightly." He was quick to point out.

"I just never realise you could lose that much blood out of the big toe, it was spurting everywhere." She cringed at the thought. "It was pretty gross."

"You know, I've never forgiven your Dad for what happened, the guy has never even so much as apologised! I lost my toe and all he could say was: don't worry, you have nine others."

"Oh, c'mon, it was hardly his fault. You know, you two should really try to get along for Clare's sake, I thought that you two would've at least made a little progress since I..." She trailed off and buried her head on his shoulder, her hair sprawled down his arm in a messy fashion.

Howard felt his eyes water, his smile fading to a look of sadness – It didn't matter how realistic it all seemed, there was no getting away from the fact that she was dead. "You know, I can't remember what your hair smelled like? I threw away your shampoo and I really wish I hadn't, because I just can't remember anymore."

There was no response from Bernadette, only a slight not to confirm she'd heard.

He continued. "It just seems like every day that passes, I seem to forget you a little bit more. I try so hard to keep your memory alive, but you're fading and I just worry you're going to get more and more vague as time goes on."

Once more, she only nodded, giving him the strength he needed to continue.

"There were times where I would be stood in the kitchen, you know, just washing up, making a sandwich or whatever, and I could've sworn that I caught you out of the corner of my eye, or heard your footsteps behind me. " He said. "Or, I'd be in the grocery store and I would just stop what I was doing, purely because I saw a woman with exactly the same hair colour as you."

"But?" She urged.

He couldn't stop himself now, the words were spilling out and he was powerless to control himself. "But not anymore and I hate myself for it... God knows I envy that memory of Clare's, she can remember every inch of you, but so many little, tiny details are starting to leave me and I can't stand it!"

"Howard I..."

He kept on going. "I sometimes sit her down and ask her to just tell me everything about you. It's amazing Bernie, there is stuff that she will never let go of that I took no time at all to forget." Howard looked down at his lap in shame.

"Like what?"

"The other day, we were talking and she told me stuff like the shade of lipstick you wore was crystal pink, you always kept a spare pair of tights under the seat of your car and you once kept a book from the library for three months after it was due back." He listed them off on his fingers. "Why can't I hold on to stuff like that?"

"Because it doesn't matter!" She insisted. "Why would you care about a shade of lipstick, it's the important memories like the day we became Clare's Mom and Dad and our wedding day, those are the memories you can't forget."

"I just miss you so much." He buried his head in his hands. "It's the little details that made up who you are and I want you back! I would do anything to bring you home again."

Bernadette bowed her head and when she replied, her response was tear filled and choked up, however, it was still undeniable firm and insistent. "Don't you do this, Howie. Talk to me, tell me why you're still so mad at my father."

"Losing a toe is nothing compared to losing you." He could feel himself crumbling. "I'd give up all my toes, even my foot just to be with you one last time." With that he let his guard down completely and allowed the tears to fall. "Why'd it have to happen to you, Bernie? Of all the people it had to happen to, why did it have to be my wife?"

"No crying, don't you dare cry." She took his face in her hands. "Be strong for Clare, man up and tell me why you're so mad at Dad."

Howard nodded. Slowly, he brought his arm up and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Ok... I'm angry at your Dad, because what kind of stupid jerk doesn't lock their guns away when there's a toddler in the house?" His face rapidly changed from one of sadness to one of anger. "Did he not hear the statistic that a toddler shoots someone on a weekly basis?"

"I hope it wasn't the same toddler." Bernadette smirked.

"It's not funny! There have been cases where toddlers have shot themselves." He crossed his arms. "I don't get why he needs so many guns, what's wrong with the good old baseball bat under the bed?"

"She was in her playpen; we thought she'd be happy with her alphabet blocks."

Howard looked thoughtful for a moment. "I never did figure out how she managed to get out, the guy in the shop told me that they were one hundred percent secure."

"Do you remember for several days after, you had literally no memory of what happened?"

"Hey, I'd lost a lot of blood and one of my toes; you can hardly expect me to be on top of my game after that." He rolled his sock back onto his foot. "It hurt like hell."

Bernadette looked up from his shoulder, smiled and ran her fingers through his hair. "My poor baby."

He snorted. "It would've been nice to have had some of that sympathy at the time. You were yelling at me to stop screaming."

"You were making Clare cry!"

"I was crying more!"

"I know, but she was cute, so she could get away with it, you just looked like a little wuss."

"If that makes me a wuss, then fine, I'm a wuss." Howard held his hands up in defeat. "Although, it was kinda good to prove your Dad wrong – I can still hear his cocky voice telling me that there was no way she would be able to take the safety off it."

Bernadette rolled her eyes. "I get that there's rivalry between you two, but is it really worth losing a toe over?"

"I'd sacrifice a foot to prove a point to that asshole!"

"You had a rough night yesterday, so I'm going to let that one slide, but if I hear you call my Dad an asshole one more time, I will haunt you so bad!" She gave him a stern look. "Don't think I won't, because I so will."

"I hope you do."

"You better watch your back then, because there will be some seriously spooky supernatural stuff going on around here." She teased. "I'll do it just enough that Clare doesn't notice, so everyone will think you've gone insane when you try to tell them!"

"Oooh, you always were evil." Howard had missed her dark sense of humour. "What are you gonna do? Flicker the lights on and off?"

"That happens anyway, you're just so bad at paying that electrical bill."

"I got it in on time this month!" He protested.

"I'm impressed."

Ending the current topic, he sighed, lay back down in the bed and looked up at the ceiling. "Oh Bernie, so much has changed in such a short amount of time." Howard had never been able to talk this openly, even if it was just to himself. "I can't believe that I have to raise her on my own – you are missing so much; I just wish you could be here to see her get married or be there when she has children of her own."

There was silence and for a moment, he feared the illusion was over. He quickly sat up and was relieved to see her presence still remained – sometimes he could maintain the fantasy for hours at time, but on other occasions, she would be gone in less than a minute. "I'm sorry I said all that, I know how sad it used to make you that you wouldn't always be with her."

She wore a lost look on her face, similar to the one she wore when her illness was at its worse and there was no chance of recovery. Every time Howard saw it, it never failed to break him. "We needed more time – we should've had a lot more than what we had."

"Forever wouldn't have been long enough for me." Howard placed a hand on his wife's knee. "We had it all, didn't we?"

She didn't answer his question, instead, she pointed to where his hand was. "Do you remember what it was like to touch me? I mean really remember, I know you have memories of touching me, but can you remember all the tiny details?"

"Like what your skin felt like?"

She nodded.

He couldn't.

It had been so long since she had been with him in her physical form; his reality of her was now built up from his imagination. "I wish I could, I can remember it was amazing, but the rest is starting to get hazy." He stared longingly at her. "I just wish I could be with you again."

"Maybe one day we will? Nobody can know for sure what happens after we die; maybe we might just come face to face on the other side." She smiled. "If it's true, I'll be waiting there for you."

Howard pulled the duvet off himself and turned so his legs were dangling off the edge of the bed – when he said this, he didn't want to be facing her. "You know, I've thought about that a lot. When you first died, I had this plan that I'd..." Unable to continue, he let the words hang in the air.

"Say it." Bernadette demanded. "You can't just leave it like that, I won't let you." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "And look at me when you say it. I want you to look me straight in the eye."

He did as she asked – Howard knew he was going to tell her, however ashamed he was of himself, he knew that he had to tell her. "A5 and fifty cents."

"That doesn't make sense; you're not making any sense!"

"There's a vending matching in the university cafeteria, it's pretty well stocked actually."

She let out a nervous laugh, perplexed by her husband's words. "Sweetie, I know, but what has a vending machine got to do with any of this?"

He took a moment to consider what he was about to say next. "They have got a whole heap of junk food, it's crazy. Anyway, right in between the Red Vines and the cheese puffs, there are chocolate covered peanuts."

Bernadette's features softened further, her eyes becoming tear filled once again. "Oh, Howie."

"Usually, I'd not even give them a second glance, but that one time, there was something that just drew my eyes to them, I looked up the number and it's been engrained on my mind ever since." He confessed.

"But, why? Why would you even want to do that to yourself?"

"Because at the time, it was as simple as insert 50 cents, press A5 and I'd be with my wife again." He felt his shoulders tensing. "It hurt losing you, the world seemed like a very dark place and I wasn't sure I could bear to be here without you."

"You've lived without me before, you're just gonna have to be a little bit stronger for a little bit longer and soon, everything will start to feel better." She said. "You'll see, you'll make a new life for yourself and it will be great, I promise you that."

"How can I? You were my life!"

She shook her head, looking back to the picture of her daughter. "You and I both know that after Clare was born, she was your everything – nobody could ever compete with her for your affections, not even your mother would've tried to get between you."

He nodded in agreement. "I never loved anyone like I love her. Don't get me wrong, you and Ma were everything to me too, but when you have your own child, it's just like Oh my God... What the hell do I do with all this love I have? " He looked at her. "But of course you know that too?"

"She wasn't just my daughter, Howie – she was also my best friend." She smoothed down her skirt and tucked her hair behind her ears. "Was I a good mother?"

"Sure." He smirked. "Although, I changed way more diapers than what you ever did."

"I was at work all the time, I paid for those diapers!"

"She couldn't take of herself, you know. Somebody had to put their career on hold and I didn't see you volunteering."

"I made way more money than what you did anyway, it all worked out for the best."

"You know, I actually kinda enjoyed being a house husband, as lame as that sounds." A fond look came across his face. "The baby sick wasn't great, but looking after her was way better than any job I've ever had."

Bernadette shook her head. "As her mother, I'm gonna have to say I preferred it when she was older – you couldn't accidentally step on her or leave her on the bus. She was way too tiny to keep track of... and don't even get me started on what it was like when she started crawling."

"I don't get how you found someone so tiny to be such a handful. She was a good baby compared to most."

"When she wasn't shoving Cheerios up her nose." She said. "I told you that would happen, didn't I?"

He nodded. "I know you did, but I didn't realise just how often it would happen."

"You were the main person in her life when she was a baby." Bernadette sighed. "It was when she got older, that was when she really needed me."

"When the night terrors came?

"It was awful seeing how intense they were, I used to just want to hold her all night – sometimes I did."

"How did you deal with it?"

"I was her Mom, I just knew how."

A look of frustration came across his face. "I wish it was that natural for me. You have no idea what it's like to hear her cry out for you in the middle of the night and not be able to do a thing about it." He let out a heavy sigh. "When she was a baby I could just pick her up, hold her and she'd drift off in minutes, but it's not that simple anymore."

Bernadette had no idea how to respond to that. When she was alive, Howard had never got involved with that side of Clare's life and now her mother was gone, he had no idea what to do. In the end, she opted to change the subject. "Do you remember the night Clare was born?"

"What sort of a question is that?"

"I was at a Maroon 5 concert; you screwed up when booking the tickets for another gig and we had to go because they were non -refundable."

Howard never admitted it out loud, but booking those tickets was no mistake. Raj had been going through a phase of listening to them and as a favour, Howard had accidentally on purpose booked those particular tickets – he even 'screwed up' further by book premium tickets instead of standard.

"I remember, I couldn't go, but we won't get into the reasons why."

"I've apologised for that."

"And I've forgiven you."

Bernadette reached out and placed a hand on Howard's cheek, and in that moment, he would've given anything to have been able to feel it. "Have you ever heard their song, she will be loved?"

Howard secretly loved that song and had listened to it several times over by choice. "I may have heard it once or twice, why do you ask?"

"He's certain he's going to love her, isn't he?"

Howard nodded. "Yeah, he'll do anything for her, he's going to protect her and always be there for her, no matter what."

"He doesn't mind spending everyday out in the corner in the pouring rain..."Bernadette quoted, a small smile gracing her lips.

Howard thought for a moment, trying to recall the lyrics."He looks for the girl with broken smile and asks her if she wants to stay a while."

"He knows it's not always rainbows and butterflies - its compromise that moves them along."

"His heart is always full and his door is always open..." Howard continued.

"She can come anytime she wants."

"And she will be loved." Howard finished.

"That's perfect; you know this song better than you like to admit." She joked. "What other songs do you know by them?"

"What is this about, Bernie?"

She took a deep breath in, moved her hand away from his cheek. "That song, it always reminded me of you. I would watch you with Clare. I just saw how much love you had for her and it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen."

"Really?" He asked, touched.

"Yes. You may not know what to do when she has nightmares and you may not do a lot of things that I used to do, but she knows how loved she is – you have loved her from the moment she was born and you will continue to until the day you die."

Overwhelmed with emotion, he wrapped both arms around her and pulled her in as close as he could manage. Closing his eyes, he rested his head on top of hers, hoping to relish the moment a little while longer. "You know I used to think, if we hadn't named her Clare, I would've named her Sarah." He said. "You know, after that Thin Lizzy song? I loved the part where he said that she changed his style with her baby smile; Clare changed me in such a brilliant way."

This time, she didn't respond.

He should've known by now that closing his eyes was always a big mistake.

After all this time, he should've learned that if he blinked, he would miss her.

His illusion was gone.

He was alone again.

"Damn it, I should've told her I loved her."

oOo

Penny awoke to find Leonard's side of the bed empty. It had been a restless night for him, so it was no surprise to find that he had gotten up. She didn't have to wonder about his whereabouts for long, he was only in the next room.

She found him sat on the couch, surrounded by five cardboard boxes and three large plastic carrier bags. "Hey Sweetie, what's in the boxes?"

Leonard patted the space next to him and waited until she sat down. "After Emily left, Raj packed up everything he had that reminded him of her, however, he didn't want to throw it away completely, so he put it all away in storage."

"I don't understand, what's that got to do with us?"

"Howard also used it for his mother's stuff and he also dumped a lot of the stuff from when he redecorated his bedroom." He explained. "And as you remember, when Sheldon left, he barely took anything, I kept it all under the bed for years, but after a while, I moved it into the unit too."

Penny shook her head, sighed. "Why do you do this to yourself, Leonard? He left again last night; you may not see him again."

"No, no, it's not like that! It's not like that at all." Leonard protested. "I'm not doing this because I've missed him, or because I think that he's going to want them back."

"Then why are you doing it?"

Leonard was silent for a moment. "I was up for most of the night, I've hardly slept, but I have been thinking about this a lot." He said. "And, I guess it's time to let go now. I only held onto all this stuff, because I used to think that if he came back, having this stuff would make it easier for him to settle back into his old life."

"And you don't think like that anymore?"

He shook his head, got to his knees and opened one of the boxes. "I've looked at it all and none of it will be of any use to him any more." Leonard held up a superhero t-shirt. "In the whole time he's been here, I have not once seen him wear anything like this." Placing down the shirt, he picked up several books. "And as for these, they're most likely to be way out of date now, new editions will have been published."

"I guess so." Penny agreed.

He pulled another box closer to himself, searched through and pulled out some video games. "And as for these, it's been fourteen years, they're probably not even compatible with any modern console anymore." He continued to rummage. "There's loyalty cards for restaurants that aren't even open anymore, coupons that have long since expired and I don't even know why I kept hold of a broken I-pod."

Penny got off the sofa and knelt down beside him. "Sweetie, I'm so proud of you." She placed a kiss on his lips. "So, what are you going to do with them?"

"I guess, I've just got to throw them all away – He certainly had no interest in keeping them, it's kinda sad that I've been holding onto them for so long."

"It's not sad. You wanted your friend back, and you wanted to make it easier for him to return if he wanted to." She rested her head on his shoulder. "Sometimes, it's just really hard to let go."

"I've got to." Leonard relaxed into Penny. "I'm so sorry for how wrapped up I sometimes used to become. I remember when he first left, I spent almost every waking minute trying to track him down, all those trips I took, all those phone bills I ran up- I was trying to find someone who didn't want to be found."

"It was intense, but you hated yourself for him drinking that powder, in your own mind, that was your way of putting things right."

"Don't make excuses for me, it drove me crazy and I acted stupid and desperate because of it." He packed the belongings back into the boxes. "I guess he had run my life for so long with all his stupid rules and agreements, that when he did leave, I honestly didn't know how to live my life without all of that crap."

"You did though. It took you a while, but you learned to live without it."

"And so did he, apparently." He looked at Penny. "Did you know how much money he made for himself after he left, how successful he was?"

Penny snorted. "Not so much anymore."

"How do you know?" Leonard raised an eyebrow.

"I spoke to Amy, did you know that she...?"

"Bankrupt him?"

"It's crazy isn't it?" Penny still couldn't quite believe what she had heard the night before. "She used to play things so safe, I just can't imagine her taking such big risks like that."

"No, neither could I, but she did and they lost pretty much everything because of it."

"Would you still stay with me if I gambled away all your money?" She asked, jokingly. "Just imagine, you're doing your banking online and you've gone from having hundred of thousands to being in minus figures."

Leonard couldn't help but laugh. "He told me that he rang the bank manager and he thought someone had cloned his card."

Penny continued. "Amy told me she came home and had to confess that actually, it was her that had been using his card."

"And all he said was: oh really? it would appear that it's much quicker and easier to spend that amount of money, than what it is to make it." Leonard frowned. "If that was me, I would've smashed things."

"She told me that she cried and begged for forgiveness, but he barely reacted, he wasn't angry, he wasn't upset, he wasn't anything." Penny said. "I think she would've preferred it if he had been mad at her, it would've made more sense than what he was like."

Leonard nodded. "She had taken away everything he had spent over a decade working for, and he did nothing, of course it was going to confuse the hell out of her."

"Promise me if I ever do anything like that, you'll go bat shit crazy." She let out a laugh.

"Oh, I intend to – I'll have a full blown, diva style tantrum." He smiled. "You'll probably offer to have sex with me and of course, I'll accept, but it'll be angry sex."

"And then we'll have make- up sex?"

"Of course, you've just blown all my money, angry sex won't be enough." Leonard reached into his pocket, produced his wallet, took out the card and placed it on the coffee table. "I'm just going to leave this here." He winked.

Penny wrapped her arms around his neck. "I would wear a sexy red bra and a thong." She whispered into his ear.

"And I would be so angry because you paid for it with my card, but at the same time, I would be so turned on."

Penny loosened the tie on her dressing gown, slipped it off. "What a coincidence, I'm wearing red underwear right now." She reached over, took off his glasses and pressed herself against him. "I would do something like this and even though you're really mad, you would not be able to resist."

"I wouldn't be able to see, but I'd still be able to get you bra off." He unhooked it; let it fall to the floor. "And then I guess I'd have to take something off too."

"It seems like I should do it for you, I've spent all your money after all." Quickly, she ripped off his shirt and flung it across the room. "And because I really want you to forgive me, I'll tell you how amazingly toned you're looking."

He lay out on the floor and Penny climbed on top of him, removing his pants and underwear as she did so. "I'd make some passive aggressive comment about how I've been going to the gym, but you better enjoy it whilst it lasts, because I can no longer afford the membership."

"Would you feel any better if I took off everything?"

"It wouldn't bring back my fortune, but it would be a start." He brought up his foot, hooked a toe around her underwear and slid them down her legs. Once they had reached her feet, she kicked them off. "Yes, I think it would sweeten me up a little."

"Then I'd kiss you like you've never been kissed before."

"Oh, wow."

"You bet your sweet ass." She leant in and demonstrated, there was no holding back. The experience felt so new, like she was kissing him for the first time. "You like that?"

"You can spend all my money any day." With that, he bundled her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom. He placed her down onto the bed, climbed in next to her. "It's been so long." He whispered.

"Too long." It was true. In amongst all the heartbreak and drama that came with the past year, Leonard and Penny had started to neglect their relationship. She ran her fingers through his hair. "I've missed this."

He began to kiss her neck.

Penny closed her eyes, submerging herself in the moment; she could feel his hand slide up and down her leg, it made her feel attractive, desirable... something she had not experienced since the birth of her son. Encouraged, Penny reached out and took hold of him, wrapping her legs around his waist. That's when it happened, slowly at first, picking up the pace as they delved deeper into the experience.

Leonard had missed the spontaneity they once used to have.

He missed the passion.

He missed the romance.

For a while, he had wondered whether they would experience such things ever again, but here they were, fulfilling all of the above. It was exciting and for the first time in a long time, he felt like he could fully let himself go. He noted how cold Penny's feet were against his; there was something oddly satisfying about how it felt. He loved the way her hair tickled his face and the strong grip she held on his hips.

Long after it was over, he held her close to himself. "You know I love you, right?"

Penny nodded; her hand was placed on his chest. "I love you too." She glanced the clock on the bedside table. "We really should get up, Lenny will be crying for his breakfast pretty soon."

"Knowing him, we've probably got another ten minutes at best." He remained where he was, watching as Penny climbed out of bed and got changed for the day.

She turned to him. "You stay here for a little while, I'll bring you breakfast in bed today."

"Sex and breakfast? It feels like my birthday."

Once she was fully dressed, Penny perched on the edge of the bed, placed her hand on his knee. "Later, I can help you get rid of all that stuff. We can give a lot of it to goodwill; donate some of the books to the library, the rest we can take to landfill."

"I'm ready, let's do it." He said. "So, do you think it's over now? Like, over, over?"

She looked doubtful. "I can't say for sure, you see, there's something I haven't told you about mine and Amy's conversation."

Intrigued, Leonard sat up in bed, leant forward. "Go on, I'm listening."

"I felt terrible for her, Leonard." Penny confessed. "She had just told Sheldon that she didn't want to marry him anymore, Clare had thrown her out and told her never to come back, she was heartbroken."

Leonard understood. "It was pretty brutal."

"So, I sorta helped her out a little..."

"Go on." He urged.

"I came up with this plan, she wouldn't need to have to get Clare to agree to speak to her, but it could give her the chance to change her mind." She explained. "It's a shot in the dark, but it gives Amy one last chance."

Leonard nodded, apprehensive of what he was going to hear next. "Why do I get the feeling that this is going to make things a whole lot worse?"

oOo

Clare walked down the stairs and into the living room, the night before had been sleepless. She wondered if her father had been kept awake with the same thoughts that she had experienced. There was a small part of Clare that had hoped that the night before had just been some weird dream – in fact, she wished it had all been a dream, everything from her mother's death to her not being a blood Wolowitz.

She was happy not knowing ; she would've preferred to have gone the rest of her life ignorant to the truth.

Clare had never doubted her mother when she told her that she didn't take any pregnancy photographs because hated looking fat, nor had she doubted her father when he told her that he had several long lost cousins who were also extremely tall like she was.

They may have lied, but at least they had wanted her.

Clare could forgive that.

In fact, there was nothing Clare would not forgive when it came to Howard and Bernadette.

Despite this, she couldn't help but worry how her life would change now that she knew who her real parents were. Pushing the thought to the back of her mind where she hoped it would stay, Clare made her way over to the couch, ready to watch some television.

An envelope lay on the floor over the other side of the room. This immediately caught her attention. It was a Sunday, so she knew it must've been hand delivered.

It was addressed to her.

She tore it open. Inside, she found a business care for hotel, which included the phone number and address, and a quick note. It was immediately clear that it had been delivered the night before, after she had gone to bed.

 **Clare,**

 **I have to apologise for what happened tonight.**

 **I would never wish to cause you any more pain.**

 **All I want is for you to talk to me. I will be at my hotel all day tomorrow, if you can find it in you to come, I'm in room 23 on the third floor.**

 **If I don't see you there, I promise I will leave and let you get on with you life.**

 **All my love,**

 **Amy x**

Clare scrunched the letter up into a ball, and walked over to the waste paper bin. She sighed to herself, straightened it out, folded it up and put it in her pocket. Whether she liked it or not, there were still a lot of questions she wanted to ask.


	15. Chapter 15

Amy emptied the contents of her make up bag onto the floor – It wouldn't be long before she could no longer use such brands. They made her feel glamorous. She always used to watch Penny apply her cosmetics and would be deeply envious, now she had more than what Penny would ever have dreamt of.

Never did she think she'd see the day where she'd be in possession of such high end brands, but soon, she owned more than she knew to do with: from Clinique, to Elizabeth Arden to Estee Lauder and Dior. When money was no object, she would have a lipstick for every day of the month and ten different brands of mascara. Sheldon had never understood the appeal, however, every time she spotted a hot new lip gloss or a must have blush, he would hand over his credit card, no questions asked.

Since she had lost all Sheldon's money, Amy had placed a lot less emphasis on the way she looked and how she dressed, however, this didn't stop her getting up every morning and carrying out a vigorous beauty routine.

She knew this was selfish – her closet was worth thousands. Despite this, she never once offered to sell anything, not even the things she didn't wear anymore. Instead, she stood back and watched as Sheldon got rid of his watch collection, expensive suits and valuable comic book collection. The holiday homes were sold, as we the cars, the game room and home cinema that Sheldon had spent years putting together were stripped bare and sold on to the highest bidder. Even after the sales, there was nothing to show from it, every penny was spent on paying off all the debts she had accumulated.

The guilt had eaten away at her, however, she still couldn't bring herself to do the same – in all honesty she was terrified it would strip away the new identity she had created for herself.

Amy hated what she had become, and sometimes, she wondered why Sheldon didn't hate her too.

They could've been happy without the money too. Amy only wished that she had realised this sooner. Sheldon didn't have to work all those long hours, he didn't need to go on all those trips, nor did he have to publish all those papers. He had spent years working himself into the ground, and she had taken away everything he had earned in a matter of months.

Amy pushed in her chair and stepped away from the dressing table.

Even though she always looked amazing these days, she could barely face herself in the mirror anymore.

Her suitcase was packed.

Penny had told her that if Clare didn't turn up today, then it was better that she left. Amy knew that she was speaking a lot of sense; however, she knew it would be incredibly difficult to walk away again.

Three loud knocks on the door pulled her from her thoughts. She immediately assumed it would be Sheldon.

"May?"

This had thrown her off guard, never before had she ever know anyone other than Sheldon do this. Curious, she waited to see if the whole ritual was the same. To her surprise, it was repeated a second and third time. She pulled open the door and came face to face with Clare. "How come you knock like that?"

Clare thought for a moment, shrugged. "There was a time where I couldn't reach the doorbell, so I had to knock."

"Yes, but it's quite particular isn't it?"

"Does that bother you?"

"No, not at all, it's just that, it's exactly the same as..." Amy trailed off. "Oh what the hell, I'm just so glad you're here."

Clare reached into her pocket and produced a lip gloss. "I found this on the floor in the living room. Its Calvin Klein, it looked expensive, so I figured you'd want it back."

"Oh right." Amy could barely mask her disappointment. "Yes, I had been looking everywhere for it." In reality, she hadn't even noticed it was gone. Taking it off the young girl, she placed it in pocket.

"Uh..." Clare hesitated for a moment. "Is Doctor Cooper here?"

Amy's eyes widened in surprise. "Do you want to see him?"

Clare shook her head. "Not after last night, no. I'm actually not that sure if I want to see you."

"He's not that bad, you know." Despite the hostilities the night before, Amy was still willing to leap to Sheldon's defence. "I know he has his faults, maybe he has more than most, but he's not a bad guy, Clare. Really, he isn't."

"I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he's never cared about me."

"That's not true."

Clare brushed over Amy's claim and moved the conversation along. "Where is he now?"

"I don't know, I think it's over between the two of us."

Clare features softened. "Oh, May." She pulled out a chair and sat down; in turn Amy took a seat on the edge of the bed. "Are you ok?"

Amy sighed, blinked a few times. "Not really, where do I go from here?" She looked at Clare. "I used to be so independent and I had this great career, but..." She paused, too ashamed to say anymore.

"You can tell me." Clare's voice was filled with reassurance, a far cry from the anger and bitterness it had the night before.

"But, I just gave it up; I figured Sheldon made enough money for the both of us. He went on all these research projects and whilst he was busting his ass working, I would stay at the hotel, lounging by the pool, raiding the mini bar and getting my nails done at the spa."

"Sounds like a dream life."

Amy shook her head. "I became financially dependent on him, Clare. Now, I've got nothing to fall back on and it's terrifying, how can I ever ask him for more money, after how much he's already spent on me?"

"I'm sure he wouldn't leave you with nothing."

"He doesn't have a choice - he's hardly got anything himself anymore." Amy prayed that Clare wouldn't question this, admitting it to Penny was shameful enough.

Thankfully, she didn't. "I'm sorry, May. I wish there was something I could do."

"You're a sweet kid, Clare, but there isn't."

Clare pondered this for a moment. "Maybe there is." She stated. "I have a question for you, is that okay?"

"Ask me anything." There was no hesitation in her response.

"Before you left, did you hold me?"

This had evidently thrown Amy off guard – her face had fallen and a look of regret flooded her eyes. "I didn't." She took a deep inhalation through her nose. "I wish I had, I really wish that I had."

Clare stood up from her chair and took a place next to Amy on the edge of the bed. "Here's your chance." She opened her arms and leaned in. "Don't miss it."

Amy could hardly believe what was happening. After fourteen years, she finally had her daughter in her arms and it was everything she ever dreamt it would be. She inhaled her scent, taking in the smell of strawberry bubble gum and coconut shampoo. Amy knew that if they had been standing, Clare would've stood several inches taller than her, in fact, there was hardly any difference between her and Sheldon, but yet, the brightly coloured jeans and matching converses strongly highlighted Howard's influence.

Sooner than what Amy would've liked, Clare brought the embrace to an end.

"You have no idea what that meant to me." Amy kept a hand on Clare's knee. "You're so beautiful, you know that?"

Clare shook her head. "I wouldn't have said that, no." Before Amy could protest, Clare took a sweeping glance of the room. "It's a nice place here, I've walked passed it many times, but you know, I've never actually been in here."

Amy merely nodded. In the silence that followed, she couldn't help but notice how tired and blood shot Clare's eyes were. "You look so tired, did you sleep at all last night?"

"Not really, I had a bad dream, well I always have them."

"You do?" Amy asked, her intrigue piqued.

"They began when I hit adolescence and they've been getting worse and worse since Mom died." Hopelessness was clear to see in her face. "I just wish they would stop, May."

"I understand. You see, I get them too."

"You do?"

"Yes, after I left you, they got much worse." Amy said. "Don't worry, you're just having a rough time at the moment, they're not as bad when things calm down."

Clare took her time in replying. It was clear to Amy that she was thinking it through carefully. "It's just a coincidence that we both get them though, you know, nightmares are all that uncommon." There was an element of uncertainty in her voice.

"You could be right." Amy said.

"I never assume that I'm right. Dad says it makes people feel inferior and that nobody will ever want to be friends with people who act like that."

"Do you think they're inferior?"

She shook her head. "No, everyone's clever in their own way, right?" In that moment, any similarity Clare may have had with Sheldon melted away, leaving behind the modesty and love that was nurtured into her by Howard and Bernadette.

"Of course -that's a very grown up way of thinking, Clare." She hesitated for a moment. "Is there anything else you want to ask me?"

Clare thought for a moment and shook her head. "No, you've been through enough in the past twenty – four hours, let's just leave it." She got to her feet.

Amy reached out and took hold of her hand. "No, let me be part of your world."

Clare was stunned by the desperation in Amy's voice, so much so, it stopped her dead in her tracks. "May, I've got to..."She stopped, overwhelmed with pity.

"Just five more minutes, please?"

Clare slowly nodded, sat back down. "Sure, I can stay a little longer." She looked Amy full in eye. "But, whilst I'm here, can you tell me about what happened? You see, I can understand why Doctor Cooper may have left me, but you seem different."

A sense of dread washed over Amy. "I don't think I can." She admitted.

"Why not? C'mon May, I've got to know."

"I can't bear that thought of you hating me as much as you do Sheldon. We both left, and once you know more, I just fear that you won't forgive me."

"I don't have enough hate for both of you." She paused, considered this further. "In fact, I don't think I even have enough for him."

"Ok, I'll do it."

 _Amy's Point Of View:_

 _Amy watched Nurse Sanderson. The older woman had clearly been looking after babies all her career – she was an obvious natural. She placed the newborn down into the crib and looked at Amy. "Well, she's healthy and very cute. You couldn't ask for me, could you?"_

 _Amy remained silent, she sunk down into the bed, pulling the covers up to her chin. If Amy had been in a different state of mind, she would've most probably confided in the nurse. It was obvious from her well worn uniform and greying hair that she had seen it all over the years. When Amy was admitted to hospital the night before, it was immediately obvious that Nurse Sanderson had a firm but fair bedside manner – her calm voice and cool head worked wonders when it came to reassuring anxious parents._

 _Despite the lack of response, Nurse Sanderson was not about to admit defeat. "You know, I'm sure what she really wants right now is a cuddle off her Mommy."_

 _Amy rolled onto her side, facing away from her nurse. "On the contrary, she seems quite happy where she is."_

" _How about you feed her?" She walked around the side of the bed and knelt down so they were face to face. "It's been a few hours; she's due another one around about now."_

" _No, it's Howard she likes." Amy said. "He's been the only one to feed her since she was born, I wouldn't want to upset her by changing that."_

 _Nurse Sanderson was not yet ready to give. "He's also been washing, changing and dressing her, wouldn't you prefer it if it was you who did all that?" She asked. "In order to bond with her, you need to start doing all that stuff."_

" _I'm tired." She replied. "Howard doesn't mind feeding her, really he doesn't."_

" _Yes, I know that's true." She placed a firm but reassuring hand on Amy's shoulder. "But it's not ideal that she's on formula, it would be much better for her if you gave her your milk."_

 _Amy avoided eye contact. "Where's Howard?"_

" _He says he's just gone to stretch his legs, he won't be long." She walked over to the crib, picked up the baby and brought her over to the side of the bed. "How about whilst we're waiting for him, you give her a little something to drink?"_

 _Amy edged away. "I don't think I can." Her voice was tear filled. "Please, don't make me, not now, I just need a little bit more time."_

 _Sensing, the other woman's distress, Nurse Sanderson gave her a sympathetic smile. "Ok honey, we'll give her a little bit longer to nap and we'll talk about it when she wakes up. How does that sound to you?"_

 _The door swung open, and with that the conversation was over. "There she is, the beautiful Nurse Sanderson, looking particularly stunning on this wonderful morning may I add." Howard walked over to the chair next to Amy's bed and sat down._

 _Amy rolled her eyes and nurse Sanderson struggled not to smile._

" _Well, Mr Wolowitz, it makes a change to hear it said to me, usually it's the young ones around here that get the compliments."_

" _I am a man with taste and let me tell you, they have got nothing on you." Howard held up a gift bag that he had been holding. "I saw this downstairs and I thought the little one would love it." He reached in and produced a pink care bear._

 _She lowered the baby into his arms. Amy watched as Howard cradled her – everything about it seemed so natural, like she was made to measure in his arms. Amy couldn't help but feel envious at the bond they had effortlessly formed._

 _Howard took his eyes off the baby. "So, Nurse Sanderson, am I ever going to know your name?"_

" _Nurse Sanderson will do." She said. "Call me old fashioned, but that's the way it's always been."_

" _Okay then, so if your ma was here, would she call you Nurse Sanderson too? I have a feeling that she wouldn't." He winked._

 _Nurse Sanderson relaxed into a laugh. There was something about Howard that she couldn't help but like. Throughout her lengthy career, she had found that a lot of men tended to freak out in such situations. Not Howard though, he hadn't faltered once – throughout the night, he had managed to keep everyone's spirits up with cheesy jokes and magic tricks. "My mother is a crabby old woman nearing her ninety- ninth birthday, so it's likely she would hurl a wide variety of insults at me."_

" _I get it. You've got a really embarrassing name, haven't you?" He joked._

" _Not really, it's perfectly average, nothing to get excited about at all."_

" _You know, this is a massive coincidence!"_

 _A look of confusion spread across her face. "I don't understand."_

 _Howard gave her a winning smile and sent a flirty wink in her direction. "Well, you have a perfectly average name and it just so happens that I am a huge fan of perfectly average names. This could not be more perfect!"_

 _She relented. "Okay, you win. I'll tell you, but don't get too excited, it really isn't anything special."_

" _Too late for that, if I wasn't holding a baby, I'd get up and do a dance, I'm that excited!"_

" _I'm Clare Sanderson, very pleased to have met you last night."_

 _Howard slowly nodded. "Clare." He said to himself. "You know what? I love it."_

" _Really?"_

" _Yes, I really do. It's simple but pretty, it's not so ridiculously rare that it sounds made up, but it's not so common that it isn't unique." He said. "Your Ma made the right choice. Tell her from me that she picked one fine name." He lightly bounced the baby. "What do you think, baby girl? Do you think Mommy will give you a name as nice as that one?"_

 _Both Howard and Clare turned to Amy, she didn't meet their gaze._

" _Amy?" Howard asked._

" _I haven't thought about that."_

" _She needs a name."_

" _I don't know what to call her, okay? She just looks like any other baby, how can I possibly be able to think of a name that suits her?"_

" _Have you not thought of it at all?"_

 _Amy shook her head. "No." Her voice was barely a whisper. "I just haven't, could you please just stop with all the questions? I can't take much more of this."_

 _Howard decided to let the subject go. "Ok, I'm sorry. No more questions, I promise." He stood up and carried the baby back to her crib. "We'll just put her down here and let her sleep – looking at her, you'd never believe it was the same baby that kept me up all night." He placed her down, placed a kiss on her head. "You've got an impressive set of lungs, haven't you?"_

 _Clare studied his face, noting the bags under his eyes. "You do look exhausted, have you slept at all?"_

" _Not at all." He admitted. In truth, Howard had been sleeping on the couch for a number of weeks now, so a lack of sleep was nothing new to him._

" _Maybe you should head home for a bit, take a shower, get some rest?"_

" _I can't leave her."_

 _Clare couldn't be sure if Howard was referring to Amy or the baby. "Very well." She knew that she wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. "There's a shower cubicle at the end of the ward, I really think you should use it."_

 _He turned his head to look at baby. "Do you think she'll be asleep for a while?"_

" _If she wakes up, I will be straight in." Clare reassured. "And Amy isn't going anywhere, are you?"_

 _Amy merely nodded, staring straight ahead, a blank look on her face._

 _Howard was hesitant. "Ok... I will be back as soon as I can." He lingered by the crib for a moment or two, before reluctantly heading towards the door. He paused and looked at Amy "It's gonna be alright, I promise." Receiving no reply, he gave a weak smile to the nurse and left the room._

 _Once they were alone, Clare sat down in the chair next to Amy's bed. "You're not alone, Amy. You may feel like what you're feeling right now makes you a bad mother, but really it doesn't." She placed a hand on Amy's knee. "I have done this for many years and have met plenty of women who have struggled to bond with their babies."_

" _It should be easy." Her voice was emotionless. "You should love you baby from the moment you see them, why didn't I?"_

" _Sometimes it isn't easy, Amy. I promise you, it will get better and you will look back on this and realise just how wrong you were." She said. "I have met so many women in your position and they have gone on to be wonderful mothers, even extending their family."_

" _She wasn't meant to be here." A tear rolled down Amy's cheek. She made no effort to wipe it away._

" _But she is, Amy." Clare said. "She's here and she's beautiful. Unplanned pregnancies are terrifying, I get that. I had my son at a very young age, it was before I became a nurse and I wasn't ready."_

" _Did you feel like this?"_

" _Maybe to begin with, but he's the best thing in my life." She smiled. "He's all grown up now. He has a wife and the most beautiful twin girls."_

 _Amy took off her glasses and buried her head in her hands. It didn't matter how many stories she heard or how much reassurance she received, there was nothing that could take away the hopelessness she felt._

" _It's okay to cry." Clare placed an arm around her. "I've seen it all before."_

 _Amy melted into her embrace and let her emotions take over. "This was not how it was supposed to be."_

 _A light knock on the door interrupted the exchange. The caller waited for no invitation and walked in._

 _Amy looked up and placed her glasses back on. "Mary?"_

" _I'm sorry I couldn't get here sooner, darlin', I wasn't sure about leaving Shelly, but I don't think he even noticed I'd gone."_

 _Clare reached into her pocket, produced a packet of tissues and passed them to Amy. "I'll give you some space." She gave a courteous nod to Mary on the way out._

 _Mary approached. "So, how are you feeling? I expect you're still a little sore."_

" _So, Sheldon didn't want to come?" Amy was in no mood to exchange pleasantries. "He doesn't show up all night, and even now, he still won't come."_

 _Mary avoided the question. She gestured to the crib. "Can I have a look her, Amy?"_

" _I see no reason why not." Amy said through gritted teeth._

 _Mary pulled back the blanket to see her granddaughter, she felt her heart flutter. "Welcome to the world beautiful." She reached in and bundled her into her arms. "I'm your grandmother and I have been so looking forward to meeting you."_

 _Amy watched on, wishing she could do the same._

" _Oh, Amy – she's just perfect." Mary couldn't hide her grin, neither did she want to. Her granddaughter was amazing: everything from the softness of her skin to her tiny feet were adorable. "You may not know it yet, but you're going to have such a happy life. I can't wait to see you grow up, I'll teach you how to bake and you can come visit me in Texas as much as you want."_

" _Mrs Cooper, I hate to interrupt, but I really have to ask..."_

 _Mary chewed her bottom lip, unable to make eye contact. Instead, she kept her eyes on the baby. "He was still in bed when I left for the hospital." She was ashamed and this was clear to hear in her voice. "You know what Shelly's like, he's just..."_

" _No, no I don't." Amy was becoming increasingly frustrated. "What is he just? Because right now, I really need to know._

 _Mary diverted her eyes upwards and prayed for forgiveness for what she was about to say. Mary always believed in standing by and protecting her children, however, this time she could not. "He won't change his mind, and for what it's worth, maybe she's better off without him in her life." In that moment, she hated herself. Mary's religious beliefs had always taught her honesty, however in her heart of hearts, she knew that her faith had had zero influence on her sudden act of truthfulness._

 _Amy attempted to mask her hurt. "But, I really need him here."_

 _Finally, she was able to look her in the eye. "You don't need someone like that in your life. " The words hurt to say – they were like a venomous poison and if she didn't get them out, they would surely choke her._

" _What are you trying to say?" Amy needn't have asked, if she was honest with herself, she understood perfectly._

" _What I'm trying to say is, my Shelly just wasn't made for this."_

 _Panic arose in her voice, Amy was desperate for this not to be true – in fact, she had been counting on it. "But he can learn, right?"_

" _He could, but he won't." She admitted. "In my experience, if my son doesn't want to do something, he won't."_

" _Why would you say that about your own son?"_

" _Because I have had my heart broken so many times by him and I just can't bear that kind of life for my granddaughter. " She looked down at the baby in her arms. "I look at her now, and I want her to have a life of love and affection, I don't want her to have to beg her Daddy for attention when he's shut himself off from her for days at a time, because he's working on some research that he sees as way more important."_

 _Amy remained silent, there was no way she could've responded._

" _You know I'm right, don't you?" Mary asked._

 _Of course she knew._

 _She'd always known._

Amy finished talking and looked over at Clare. There was a moment of silence which she used to study the young girl's face. She neither looked angry nor sad, in fact, it was impossible to tell how she would react to what she had just told her. "Clare? Please say something."

"I've still got that pink care bear." She looked thoughtful. "I've always had it, but I didn't realise it was the first toy Dad ever bought me."

This reaction had come as a surprise to Amy, despite all had she said, the part that Clare had focused on was the part about Howard's gift. Amy felt proud, most people wouldn't have been able to move past the negatives; but somehow, Clare had taken a sad memory and seeked out love where she could find it. "It was a very nice bear, from what I remember anyway." She hoped Clare would move the conversation along, she desperately needed resolution and she wasn't going to get it this way.

Clare briefly placed her hand on Amy's shoulder, and then she stood up. "Thank you, May. That must've been hard for you. I really hope that things start to get better for you, with or without Doctor Cooper." She painted on a smile for Amy's benefit. "I think I understand now, I'm no longer angry."

"Clare you don't understand, you really don't understand."

"Mary was right, Amy." She said. "His own mother said that he wasn't cut out for this. I've grown up with a father who could love me better and I wouldn't trade that in for anything."

"Please, don't make up your mind about Sheldon, not yet." Amy was getting desperate; she needed Clare to know just how wrong she was. "He has changed so much. I mean, in some ways, he's hardly changed at all, but in others, he's barely recognisable."

"I'm sure he has, but really, I have to get back home, Dad will be getting worried about where I am." She made to leave, however Amy blocked her exit. "Seriously May, don't do this to yourself."

"Can I just have a moment to show you something? Once you've seen it, you can make your own mind up. If afterwards, you can look me in the eye and tell me that you honestly still believe he's not a better man, I will let you leave, no questions asked."

She sighed, gave a reluctant nod. "Okay, I'll have a look at what you want to show me."

Amy retrieved her handbag and rummaged around until she found a photograph. "Take a look." She handed it over.

Clare took a moment to study the photograph. It was a family photograph of Sheldon and Amy – they were obviously on holiday. They were stood on a sandy white beach, the sun beaming down on them. However, this wasn't just a photograph of the two of them, knelt at their feet was a little boy, ice cream in hand and bucket and spade by the side of him.

"What the..." Her jaw literally dropped.

Amy leant in. "His name is Stewart, he's four years old and I don't know if you can see it, but I reckon he looks just like you."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Is anyone else having problems with their traffic stats? I have 0 views, but have got reviews, so I know that it has had hits. It's been like this for quite a few days now.**

Clare let out an involuntary gasp, clasped her hand to her mouth. She looked at the photograph and then over to Amy. "That's my brother?" She repeated it to herself. "That's my brother."

Amy smiled. "He sure is."

"And you named him Stewart because...?"

"It's no coincidence; it involves pumpkin lattes and gate crashing a movie." Amy replied. "I'll tell you all about it sometime."

Clare sneaked another look – Amy was not wrong, the little boy really did look her. "And, where is he now? I've not once seen you with a child."

"He's in Texas at the moment; he's too young to understand all of this. Sheldon's sister was taking care of him, but Mary went back early this morning to take over."

Clare released the picture, allowing it to fall to the ground. She stared off into the far corner of the room, avoiding eye contact with her estranged mother. "I just don't understand you, May. I can't understand why you would do this to me."

"Do what?" Amy was clearly surprised.

"Tell me about him! You and Doctor Cooper show up here, and when you can't win me around, you use your child as a way of ... Well, I don't know exactly why you've done it, but you've put me in a terrible position."

Amy took a step back, unsure of how to respond. "I can assure you that that was never my intention. I just wanted you to know that just because Sheldon couldn't look after you at the time, it doesn't mean that he hasn't changed- he's a good father!"

"Then why bother coming back? You've got a cute little kid now, you could've just pretended that I never happened and moved on."

Amy took a step towards her. "Listen to me, I can't ever move on from you, it doesn't matter how much time goes by, or how many new memories I make, leaving you is never a mistake I can get over making." She placed a firm hand on Clare's shoulder. "Do you understand me?"

Clare nodded, sighed. "I guess I do, but why now? Is it just because Mom died?"

Amy sat back down on the bed. Clare took a place next to her.

"Sheldon and I were going to get married." Amy explained. "We've been together for a very long time now, and his mother also disapproved of us having a second child outside of wedlock... So, Sheldon bought me a ring and drew up a marriage agreement."

Clare couldn't help but laugh. "You two must be the least romantic couple ever."

Amy ignored her comment and proceeded onwards. "It was going to be a good day. I bought a really nice dress and there was going to be a make your own sundae bar."

"Shame about the groom." Clare muttered under her breath, just loud enough for Amy to hear.

"Clare, you have this image of him in your mind and it's all wrong, all of it."

"Then why call it off?" She raised her voice slightly. "If he's really such a great guy, who's the perfect husband, perfect father, perfect everything, then why won't you marry him?"

Amy sighed, offering her a half hearted smile. "I don't need him to be perfect, Clare - Not anymore, anyway." She looked her full in the eye. "In recent years, I've put him through hell. He was a very wealthy man and I blew all his money." She explained. "But he didn't leave me, he didn't even blame me."

Clare was lost for words. "Oh, that's..." She trailed off.

"That's terrible? Is that what you wanted to say? All his colleagues thought it; they said stuff about me... They said I was a gold-digger who was only after his money." A look of anger flashed in her eyes. "But, they didn't understand, they had no idea about our past, or anything that we'd gone through together."

Clare remained silent.

Amy continued. "I get it though, I became so money hungry." A look of shame came across her face. "I used to dress Steward in designer onesies- can you believe that? You could get baby shoes from Ralph Lauren and strollers from Versace! I would spend thousands on stuff like that."

"It wouldn't have made any difference to him."

"It did to me, Clare. My baby deserved the best." She said. "I was terrible. I bought him this top once, it cost about two – hundred pounds, but he sicked up on it, so I just threw it away like a used napkin."

Clare looked Amy up and down, studying her expensive outfit. "I knew you must spend a lot on fashion, but not..." She paused. "Well, I didn't think you were that enthusiastic."

Amy shrugged. "It's not worth it, Clare. When you get older, don't make the mistakes I did." She took hold of her hand. "I should never have given up my career. I should've let him enjoy the money he made from his success and supported myself with my income."

Clare's feature softened. "What was it you used to do?"

"I was a neurobiologist." Amy smiled, she missed those days. "I used to have my own lab and I'd conduct all these studies - I was good at it too."

"That's to do with the brain, right?"

Amy nodded. "I've lost count of all the brains I dissected – You would not believe the size of some of the tumours I used to find." Excitement was clear to hear in her voice. "I used to do so many experiments on monkeys too; there was this one that got hooked on cigars."

"Sounds like you really enjoyed your work."

"I did. I mean, I loved it so much. There was never a day where I wouldn't want to go to my lab and get stuck in on my latest project."

"Would you still want to back to it now?"

Amy nodded, leant over and produced two heavy books from underneath the bed. "I always take these wherever I go. They were always my favourite, take a look, if you want." She passed them over. "I've always had subscriptions to all the journals related to my field, it didn't matter if I wasn't active in it, I always like to keep up to date."

Clare took a moment to study the cover, opened it up and skimmed the first few pages. "It seems to me like this really is a passion of yours."

"It could always make me happy, even when nothing else could." She paused for a moment. "Especially when I was pregnant with you – I never thought I'd be with Sheldon again and I didn't see much of Penny and your Mom, but when I was working, it stopped my worries, even if it was for just a little while."

"I understand."

"Sometimes, I used to think that I would be a good Mom to you, and that when you were older, I could take you to my lab and you'd love it just as much as I did."

"That would've been nice." She couldn't help but think of Bernadette. "My Mom used to love her job too."

"Microbiology?"

Clare nodded. "Yes, microbiology – Dad says it didn't matter what job he did though- as long as I needed him, that was all he needed."

"That's why Sheldon gave up work four years ago, we finally had all the money we needed and he didn't want to waste any time he had with Stewart... You know, after all those years we missed with you." Once more, shame flashed in her eyes. "He went back on his first research trip about a year ago now; I think the worst thing about it was being away from his son. He never said anything, but I could tell that that was the first time he ever resented me for losing his money."

Clare could think of no response. Sensing the young girl's unease, Amy decided to move the conversation along.

"But what I really want to know is, how was it?"

Clare raised an eyebrow. "How was what?"

"Life as a Wolowitz – tell me all about it."

Clare took a moment to ponder this. It was incredibly difficult to define her life, where would she even start? "Well, we were a family of four until Grandma died when I was eleven. She was crazy, loud and sometimes mildly terrifying." She smiled. "But that was okay. She was really good at story telling – especially the three little pigs."

Amy had encountered Mrs Wolowitz before and had gained quite the impression of her. "I remember your grandma; we met when your Mom and Dad got married -She was certainly... unique."

"You could say that. Sometimes, the rivalry for Dad's affections between her and Mom would get so heated, I could've sworn that World War Three was about to break out." Clare continued. "But it never mattered; I was always his favourite gal. He always used to play dolls with me instead of sorting out grandma's bunions – she would always get super mad at him for that."

"You were into dolls?"

"Yeap, I had Doctor who and Darth Vader action figures, a cuddly Koala bear and a headless Barbie Doll." Clare couldn't help but laugh. "They had some times together, especially Darth Vader and Barbie."

"A headless Barbie?"

"She hadn't always been headless." Clare replied. "They all used to live together in a pink doll's house and would drive around in Barbie's sports car They really needed a bigger car though, I had to make two trips to the end of the garden – Barbie and Darth Vader would go first, then I came back for the Koala and the Doctor."

Amy couldn't help but feel aggrieved for missing this – she did her best to hide her feelings. "So uh... What happened once they got to the end of the garden?"

Clare kept a straight face. "They drove back again; there wasn't any other option for them."

"Well, it sounds they like had a lot of fun."

"They did... until, I left the car unattended on the couch that is."

Amy knew it was irrational, but she couldn't help but feel a sense of dread. "What happened?"

"Grandma sat on it. She was so heavy, the little car collapsed in on itself." Clare frowned. "It didn't really stand a chance."

"Oh that must've been..."

"Fortunately, Mr Koala was up in my room when the incident occurred, however, Barbie, Vader and the Doctor insisted that they watched Wheel of Fortune with us."

Amy had dealt with her son's broken toys plenty of times before, however there was something quite horrific about this particular story. "I take it they met the same fate as the car?"

"We were able to salvage Doctor Who from the wreckage unharmed; however Barbie was now not only headless, but also legless."

Amy hardly dared ask. "And Darth Vader?"

"He didn't stand a chance." Her voice was serious and solemn. " I'd say he wouldn't have felt a thing, it was very quick... that, and on the account of being a toy, he couldn't really feel pain."

"Tough break."

"I should say. My parents nearly divorced over it."

Now, that was something Amy was not expecting. "What? Over a toy car?"

Clare nodded. "My Mom used it as an excuse to justify getting our own place. Dad refused, she went crazy, packed up all our stuff and we went to live with Leonard and Penny."

"How long for?"

"I'd say an hour, maybe even two." She elaborated further. "Dad didn't take long in apologising and Mom didn't want to be a single parent, so they agreed to stop arguing about where we would all live. Once Grandma died, they had the house to themselves, but I think Mom missed her a lot, despite everything."

"I guess she was a big part of her life – they may have argued, but they lived together for a long time."

A look of sadness spread across Clare's face. "She was a big part of mine too." Clare didn't want Amy to see how upset she was. In the space of three years, she had lost two of the most important women from her life and she missed them. "I'd never seen my Dad cry before. When Grandma died, Mom picked me up from school early and when we got back, he was just there crying and the more he tried not to, the worse it was."

Amy nodded. "It's hard seeing your parents upset – I get that."

"He cries a lot, now. He thinks I don't know, but I can hear him when he's locked himself away in his room." She said. "It's mostly late at night, but it can be at any time really."

"Is there... Is there anything I can do?"

Clare shook her head. "I think he'd prefer it if you were to just walk away, but even if you did, I still don't think that would stop all the hurt he's feeling. I don't think anything can."

Amy opened her mouth to respond, however no words came out. However much she wanted to, Amy just couldn't find the right words.

After a silence, Clare cleared her throat. "For what it's worth, May, I'm glad you got your second chance with Stewart. I can't understand why Doctor Cooper could love him and not me, but I don't want you to be unhappy."

"You changed him, Clare. He may not have been able to look after you, but your whole existence changed him, changed his life. It was these changes you brought about in him that meant he could eventually be a good Dad to Stewart."

"May, I know you mean well, but..." She was soon interrupted by Amy.

"I'm being serious; the night he gave you up was a real turning point for him."

"How? By my standards, that should've been a low point."

Amy explained. "The night he left, he packed his belongings without a system, sneaked out of the apartment and moved across the Atlantic. If you knew what he was like before, you'd get what a big deal that was. Once he'd done that, he could do anything -he was always selected for the research trips, because it was well known that if he was called upon at the last minute, he would be there, no questions asked."

"Well, sometimes spontaneity is fun."

Amy shook her head. "Not for him it wasn't. Everything had to be planned in advance, but he challenged his whole life that night and he has continued to do so ever since. It made him rich and it made him a better father."

"He still left me, May."

"He made sure you were okay, Clare. When I left, I didn't know what was going to happen to you, but he was the one that gave you to Howard." She explained. "Sheldon had always been very competitive when it came to your father, but he knew how great he would be, it was obvious to everyone."

"And now he's a better man?"

"For once, that night, he had thought about someone else but himself. You see, when he left he knew he couldn't be a father, but that didn't mean he left because he thought you would ruin his life because of it - he didn't want it to ruin yours." Amy's voice was full of passion.

Clare was quiet for a moment. "You've given me a lot to think about." She paused. "Will you be here for much longer?"

"I can stay a bit longer. I will need to get back to Stewart, but if you need me for longer, I can stay on."

Clare nodded. "Can you give me some time? Not a lot, but just a little bit of time to think about all this?"

"Of course, you take as long as you need."

Clare stood up and made her way towards the exit. "I can't make any decisions right now, I need to know more about what happened." She placed her hand on the door handle, took one last look at Amy. "Whatever happens, I want you to know that I don't regret meeting you." She waited for no reply.

Amy sighed.

She was alone again.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: This chapter takes place two days after the last.**

Leonard placed a tin of biscuits and two mugs of tea on the kitchen table. He looked at Amy and Clare, forced a smile. "I'm sorry, I don't think there's any chocolate ones left, once Penny gets to them, there's no stopping her." Awkwardly, he pulled out a chair and took a place in the middle of them.

Amy was the first to respond. "Thank you for letting us talk here. It means a lot."

"What choice did I have? Clare needs answers, but I doubt Howard could take seeing you again."

A look of guilt flashed in Clare's eyes, ashamed she stared down at her lap. "I don't want to hurt him, he's not been himself since they got back, he's..."She trailed off.

"Is there something I need to know?" He asked.

Clare shook her head. "No, everything's fine."

Leonard was unconvinced. "This conversation isn't over." He gestured to Amy. "Once she leaves, you're telling me what's been going on."

"Okay." Her voice was barely a whisper. "But can we please not say anymore in front of May?"

Amy couldn't help but feel hurt – Her daughter had a problem and she wasn't allowed to help her with it. She quickly moved to changed to subject. "So, Clare, I wasn't expecting to hear back from you this soon."

"I could've done with a few days." She admitted. "But your son is only little, I expect he's missing you by now."

Leonard wondered if it was possible that he may have misheard. He looked at Amy in open mouthed shock. "A son? You have a son, as in you have another child?" Of all the things Leonard would've expected to hear, that couldn't have been further from his mind.

Amy nodded. "We do. His names is Stewart, he's four years old."

In that moment, Leonard felt like he had walked straight into a brick wall. "But... but the whole time Sheldon was here, he didn't say a word." He shook his head in disbelief. "That's unbelievable. You'd think just once he would've mentioned it."

Clare spoke up. "I don't think he meant to be deceitful, I think it was just the wrong time." She looked at him. "Have you heard from him, at all?"

Leonard shook his head. "It's been three days, I think if he wanted to talk to me, he would've called by now." He gave her an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, Clare. I can't help but think he's not going to come back."

She allowed her shoulders to slump, clearly disappointed. "I don't expect anything less from him, but he could've helped me understand this. There are things I want to know that only he can tell me."

"Clare, if you really want to know, I can make it happen." Amy said, placing a hand on her knee. "We have a son together - I'm going to see him again, and when I do, I'll make sure that he calls you."

"Thanks... I guess."

"It's just not good enough." Leonard spoke up. "He gave her up when she was baby. I'm sorry, Amy, but a lousy phone call will in no way bring her any closure on this. You need to tell him to get his ass over here and explain himself."

"Uncle Leonard, it's fine."

"No, Clare. It is not fine; it's not even close to fine." He couldn't hide his anger. "I know how you feel; you have all these questions that only he can answer. Instead of doing the right thing and telling you what you want to know, he just leaves."

Clare placed a hand on his arm. "Stop, please." She looked him full in the eyes. "You spent all those years with him, but I had no time at all – I can't miss what I never had, right?"

He sighed, shifted in his seat. "You know, sometimes I envy you. I think about what Sheldon did and I can't help but wish my mother had done the same for me." Leonard didn't often talk about his mother, but just this once, he was willing to make an exception. "I haven't spoken to her since Lenny was born and quite frankly, I'm glad."

"You are?"

Leonard nodded. "She belittled everything I did and at times, I felt like little more than one of her psychology experiments." He said. "You may feel like not having Dr Cooper in your life is a bad thing, but believe me, sticking with someone out of some sort of family loyalty will only mess you up in the long term."

"I had no idea." Clare said. "You never talk about it."

"Why, would I? I hate my own mother, who would ever want to admit to that? One day, something just snapped inside of me. I looked at her and realised just how awful she had been – there and then, I decided that I never wanted to see her again."

There was a moment of silence.

Clare paused and considered Leonard's words. "Will you tell me about it?" She asked. "The last time you saw her, can you tell me about it?"

"I've never... I've never really told anyone about it, not even Penny." He sighed, considered the request. "But, there's no reason why I shouldn't, I'm not the one that needs to be ashamed."

Amy, who had been silent for a while, finally spoke up. "No, you should never be ashamed for the things your mother put you through." She looked at Clare, a knot in her stomach.

Leonard nodded. "Very well then..."

 _Two years ago._

 _Leonard came out of his bedroom._

 _His mother was sat on the couch, watching the television._

" _Okay." He said. "I think I've got everything that Penny may need; a fresh pair of pyjamas, some more underwear and a couple of magazines should be ok, right?"_

" _Leonard, you have been with this woman for many years now, if you don't know what she needs by now, you need to do a serious evaluation of how committed you are to her." Beverly kept her eyes on the television._

 _Leonard sighed. "We've just had a baby together, I don't think I could be any more committed if I tried." He took a seat next to her. "We wanted to keep this to ourselves for a little bit longer, but I really want to tell you this."_

 _She rolled her eyes. "Leonard, whatever you want to say, just say it – don't waste my time with a big build up. You know I find such things tedious, I don't know why you think now would be any different."_

 _Despite her words, Leonard managed to maintain his smile. "Me and Penny have decided on a name for the baby– we're going to name him Leonard, after me."_

" _I see." Indifferent, Beverly turned her attention back to the programme she had been watching. "And by the way, it's Penny and I, not Penny and me. It's an embarrassment that one of my children does not know correct English."_

 _Leonard stood up, walked over to the television and yanked out the cable. "Can you just for once show me that you give a damn about me and my life?" He raised his voice to a level that surprised even himself. "I give your grandson a name and you couldn't care less."_

" _I care. Do you know how much of an inconvenience it was to get here? I had to disrupt my whole schedule to come and visit this week, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have bothered with all that hassle." She crossed her arms. "And now, if you don't mind, I was watching a very interesting programme on..." She found herself interrupted._

" _I don't care what you were watching!"_

" _Leonard you're getting overwrought." She sighed. "Take a moment to compose yourself; nobody likes a man that isn't in control of his emotions."_

" _Why are you acting like this? Most women would be overjoyed at becoming a Grandmother."_

" _You're talking as if this is something new. Your siblings have children; I already have three Grandchildren, Leonard."_

" _He's a human being, Mom!" Leonard couldn't calm down and neither did he want to. "It doesn't matter if he's your fourth grandchild! They are all just as special and just as important, regardless of what order they were born in."_

" _Let's not get sentimental, Leonard. You and Penny reproduced, it's not an achievement." She shook her head. "I can only hope that he inherits more from our side of the family, unfortunately it seems likely that he will be dumbed down by that mother of his."_

" _Dumbed down?"_

" _Yes, unfortunately it looks as though he won't be overly bright." She paused. "Take Sheldon's child -despite having two intellectuals for parents, it would seem that living with that engineer with the Beatles hair cut has somewhat stunted her intelligence. With Penny as his mother, your son is doomed to the same fate as that young girl."_

" _Clare is a very intelligent girl."_

" _I'm not disputing that she's clever, Leonard. Although, we have got to face the facts here, she will never achieve half of what she could've achieved had Sheldon raised her." Beverly said. "She would've graduated college by now if Sheldon had only stuck around."_

" _Here we go again, he's been gone twelve years and still you're kissing his ass."_

" _Why must you be so crude?"_

 _Leonard stood still for a moment just looking at his mother. "Why did you even have children? You've never showed my any love, you can't emphasise with how I feel, at all."_

" _We have discussed this before, Leonard; your neediness is out of hand."_

 _Years of anger built up and erupted like a destructive volcano. "Fuck you! I mean it; Fuck you and everything you stand for." Leonard felt good, he had a lot of hatred and he was only to happy to let it out. "Fuck you, you bitter old woman."_

 _Despite her son's outburst, Beverly barely reacted. "Leonard, I see what you are doing and it's not going to work." She took off her glasses, gave them a quick polish. "You think that using expletives will catch my attention more, but I assure you, I will not rise to such childish tactics."_

" _I don't want your attention, Mom -Not anymore, anyway." He lowered his voice. "I've wasted too many years trying to get you to love me. A mother's love should be unconditional, not distributed in accordance to achievement and status."_

 _This had evidently thrown Beverly. "But... I do love you. I've never told you that I don't."_

" _Maybe you do love me, but it's not a type of love that I can recognise." He walked over to the door, opened it. "I think it's time that you left."_

 _Beverly slowly nodded. "If that is what you wish."_

 _He shook his head. "No, what I wish is for you to love me how a mother should love me. I want you to come to the hospital and cry over how cute your new Grandson is." Leonard widened the door. "But that's just not you."_

 _Beverly could not deny this. "You're right. It's not."_

" _Then I guess this is it."_

" _I guess it is." Beverly paused. "I'm sorry it's come to this, Leonard. For what it's worth, I hope your life is a happy one." Despite the meaning behind her words, her voice lacked emotion._

" _I hope you realise how lonely your life is going to be."_

 _Beverly merely nodded, stepped out of the apartment. She took one last look at Leonard. "You better close that door, before you change your mind."_

" _I don't think I'll ever regret this." He shut the door, knowing that he would never again reopen it to her. "Goodbye, mother."_

Leonard looked at Clare, hoping he had got his point across. "Can you see what I'm saying here? I know we all critisise Sheldon for what he did, but sometimes I can't help but think that if he had stayed, you would have grown up feeling how I did."

"And that was?"

"Neglected I guess, out of place, like I didn't fit."

Amy shook her head. "You don't know that."

"But I do, and so did Sheldon. If Sheldon thought that he could be a good Father, he would've stayed, but instead he gave her to someone who could love her." He said. "I'm not saying that it in anyway makes up for leaving her, but in a way, I guess he did right by her in his own little way."

"He's a good father to Stewart. Really, he loves him so much, there's nothing he wouldn't do for him."

"I don't doubt you, Amy. There were lessons he had to learn, changes he had to make."

"He learned those lessons, made those changes." Amy shared. "He's a much better person because of it."

Leonard nodded, turned his attention back to Clare. "I knew at the time that he wasn't in the right place to be your Dad, but that didn't mean I wasn't hopeful." He said. "I really wanted it to work out, you know? After Amy left, you had to be practically ripped from Howard's arms."

Clare was clearly touched by this. "He didn't want to let me go?"

He shook his head. "From the moment you were born, he had barely left your side. He had loved you so much already and the thought of giving you over to Sheldon, was not something he took lightly."

"So, he didn't? He didn't hand me over and Doctor Cooper left shortly after?"

"Oh, he did. He wasn't happy about it, but he knew that really he didn't have much right to decide what happened to you." Leonard paused. "Although, he didn't have to worry – It may have killed Howard to have handed you over, but it wasn't long before Sheldon handed you straight back."

"I need to know more."

Leonard nodded. "Alright, I'm not going to hide anything from you."

 _Leonard' P.O.V:_

 _Leonard watched as Bernadette fiddled with the hem of her skirt. They had arrived at the hospital about an hour ago and were clueless as what to do next._

 _Leonard was hopeful he could break the uncomfortable silence. "Penny messaged me, she can't get out of her shift."_

 _Bernadette wasn't in the mood for small talk. She kept her eyes on Howard who was in the next room - the door was closed, however he had neglected to close the curtains. "I think it's over, Leonard." In the days that they were at the concert, Bernadette had kept this to herself. "It's been over for a while now- We just haven't been strong enough to admit it."_

" _C'mon, this is you and Howard. He couldn't have imagined how good his life could get, you remember that?"_

" _Back then, he couldn't have imagined how miserable his life could get, and it's all thanks to me, Bernadette." Her tone was bitter. "I can't make him happy like I used to. He sleeps on the couch, he eats at work so he doesn't have to have dinner with me and he never tells me he loves me anymore."_

 _Leonard could think of no response. He wished there was something he could say that would make everything alright – his mind drew a blank._

 _Bernadette gestured to Howard through the window. "I can see him getting hurt, Leonard." She said. "Just look at him, he's not put her down since we've got here. How will he ever be able to hand her over after all he's done for her?"_

" _Oh, he's just..." Leonard stopped talking. Bernadette was right and there was no way he could deny this._

" _Have you seen the way he looks at her? He loves her."_

 _Leonard nervously chewed his bottom lip. He knew that Howard had gotten too close. "The sooner I get her home, the better it will be for everyone." He looked from Howard back to Bernadette. "She's Sheldon's daughter and she needs to be with him."_

" _You can't be serious."_

 _Leonard suppressed his doubts – In his mind, everything would eventually turn out for the best. "Of course I am. He may not think it, but once he sees her, he will want nothing more than to be her father." Leonard may not have been entirely convinced by his own words, however, he was determined to stand by them._

" _You've not thought this through, at all."_

" _What is there to think about? Sheldon is her father, so his home is now her home." Leonard didn't give Bernadette the opportunity to reply. He strode into the next room and picked up the baby carrier next to the crib. "Howard, let me take her now."_

 _Howard shook his head and took a step backwards. "She belongs here... with me."_

" _I'm being serious, just put her in the carrier, so I can take her home." Leonard was firm and insistent, however, this was not enough to convince his friend._

" _She doesn't know who Sheldon is! He has not stepped foot in this hospital; not once has he been in to see her."_

" _I'm taking her off you either way; don't make this any harder than what it needs to be." He lifted the carrier to emphasise the point. "Please, just hand her over."_

 _Howard glared at his friend. "She is not a football; you can't just tackle her off me."_

 _Bernadette who had been watching from afar, entered the room and intervened. "Howie, Leonard is right, let's not fight this."_

 _He looked at her, hurt. "Why aren't you backing me up on this?"_

" _Because you're going to get hurt and I can't stand to see you heartbroken over this." She reached out to touch him, retreated when he flinched. "It may not feel like it now, but everything is going to be okay."_

" _I can't let her go, not now."_

" _You're going to have to hand her over at some point and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be."_

" _Do you really think this is right?" He asked. "Her Mom has left her and her Dad doesn't care enough to come get her himself! I have been here from the second she was born."_

 _Bernadette gave no answer. She walked over to Howard and gently prised the infant out of his hold. In response to this the young infant let out a shrill cry, protesting her separation from Howard. Bernadette placed her down into the carrier._

 _Leonard kept his eyes on the baby, unable to look at his friend. He hoped he was doing the right thing – hurting Howard was never his intention. "Howard, I really am sorry. This makes sense, you know that, right?"_

 _Nurse Sanderson arrived, leaving Howard's opinion unvoiced._

" _Is everything alright in here?" She asked, picking up on the tense atmosphere._

 _Howard brought his eyes up to meet hers. "Seriously Clare, how can this possibly be allowed to happen? Her father won't be able to take care of her; I know it and so does everyone else here." He gave Leonard an accusing look._

" _Howard, I know this separation will be hard..." The nurse replied. "But, have you thought about what it would be like raising another man's child? I know you've been very good these past few days, but think about the future. What will you tell her when she grows up? Are you and your wife in the right financial situation to raise a baby right now?"_

 _Bernadette left him with no chance to respond. "He knows that it's not going to happen."_

 _Howard sighed, allowing his shoulders to slump. "I've not been to work in nearly a week; I am so behind on what I've been working on." Defeat was clearly heard in his voice. "Do what the hell you want; it's obvious that my opinion doesn't matter." He turned on his heel and made his way towards the door._

 _A look of concern dominated Bernadette's features. "No, sweetie, you can't go to work, not now." She desperately tried to reason with him. "Let's go rent a DVD, you can choose. How about you choose two or three? We can buy popcorn and Raisinets! We'll have a night in, just the two of us."_

 _He shook his head, desperately suppressing the emotion that threatened to swamp him. "We're just not that kind of couple anymore."_

" _You don't get to say that!" She took a step towards him. "Come home with me... now."_

" _You don't get to tell me what to do, not anymore anyway." Howard replied. "We're over, aren't we?"_

 _Bernadette took a step back, stunned by the brutality of his words. Unable to think of a suitable response, she merely nodded._

" _Don't just nod." He raised his voice. "I want to hear you say it."_

" _Okay..." Her voice became choked. "I guess we are. I love you; but this, you, me, us... It just doesn't work anymore."_

 _He took one last look at the baby. "No, it really doesn't." Without making eye contact, he stormed out of the room; breaking into a run in his desperation to distance himself from the woman he had once called his wife._

 _Bernadette was suddenly very aware of the eyes that were on her. "Should I go after him? I can't just leave it like that."_

 _Realising that Leonard didn't know what to say, Nurse Sanderson offered some advice. "I don't think he wants to talk right now. He's very confused right now, just give him some space and try when he's not so fired up."_

 _Leonard handed the carrier over to the nurse and approached Bernadette. "I'm so sorry Bernadette, this must so awful for you." He extended his arms and pulled her into himself. "This has not been an easy year, has it?"_

 _She buried her face in his chest, hoping to drown out the outside world._

" _There's no need to be strong, Bernadette." Leonard rubbed her back. "This is a terrible thing and nobody expects you to be okay." In that moment he felt her body shake as she silently sobbed, her tears soaking his shirt. Leonard could tell that she wanted to speak, however no words could be formed – it was if her tears were drowning her, pulling her down into a deep sea of heartache and regret._

 _Suddenly embarrassed, Bernadette went to pull away, however Leonard held on._

" _It's okay." He said. "I don't mind."_

 _Bernadette took a deep breath. "Thank you." She sniffed and wiped at her eyes with her sleeve. "I think I've got to go now."_

" _Let me take you home. I gotta get the baby back to the apartment, but I can drop you off first."_

 _She shook her head. "Thank you, but I really need to be alone right now."_

" _Are you sure?" Leonard was doubtful. "I don't feel happy leaving you like this."_

 _She painted on a smile, but her eyes betrayed her. "I need a bit of time to get my head around this." She walked over to the carrier and took hold of the infant's tiny hand. "You stop crying now, cutie. Everything is going to be alright, I'll be your favourite aunty and Mommy will be back any day now, you just got to wait a little bit longer."_

 _Leonard waited until Bernadette was out the room and out of sight before he took the baby back. He looked down at her. "You're going to have to trust me on this one, but I think you'll like living with us."_

Leonard found himself brought back to the present moment. He turned his head to find Sheldon standing in the door way. "How did you get in?"

He held up a set of keys. "You didn't ask for these back when I left."

"You didn't give me the opportunity to!" Leonard accused. "Where have you been?"

"I was talking to one of my old colleagues. They're thinking about taking a trip to Russia to collect data for a paper they're writing; they heard that I've got a wealth of experience in these types of expeditions, so they wanted to discuss the possibility of me being their research partner." Without invitation, he walked over to the table, pulled out a seat and sat down.

Clare brought her eyes up to meet his. "You've been in Pasadena?"

Sheldon nodded. "I have, but I'm hoping to see my son soon." He looked at Amy. "This trip should increase our income, however, my issue is the length of time it will separate me from Stewart – what is your opinion?"

Amy shrugged. "Honestly, Sheldon, I don't wish to stand in your way of making your money back, but I don't know what to say in regards to Stewart- if we really are separating, you may have to face the possibility of living apart from him."

"And what if I refuse to do that?"

Amy remained silent.

"You see." Sheldon said. "You know that you won't be able to keep me away from him; in fact you don't even want to, do you?"

Uncomfortable, Amy quickly changed the subject. "This isn't about you, Sheldon! We're here for Clare; she has questions she wants to ask you and you're just sat there, talking about yourself just like you always do."

Sheldon turned away from Amy to face the young girl. "Clare, I apologise. I was stood outside the door for a little while and I was fascinated to hear that when you were separated from Howard, you started to cry."

She raised an eyebrow. "You were?"

"I was, because from what I remember, when I tried to hold you, it made you cry a lot."

"Maybe you were doing it wrong?" Clare commented. "Holding me upside down possibly?" She smirked.

"Was that humour?"

"Of course it was... why would you need to ask?"

Leonard spoke up. "Sheldon can be very literal at times. He struggles to grasp concepts such as sarcasm and jokes, sometimes it's better to just avoid stuff like that when you're talking to him; in my experience it makes for an easier life."

"Thank you, Leonard, but I'm not sure that was entirely necessary." Sheldon said.

"Geez, I'm just trying to help you out."

"And like I said, it is not necessary." Sheldon turned his attention back to Clare. "Amy said you have some questions for me, do you?"

She looked him up and down for a second or two. "How tall are you?"

"How tall am I?" He thought for a moment. "Well, I'm six foot and one inch – You're pretty tall yourself, by the looks of you, you're not far off being six foot yourself."

"Five foot ten inches – At least I was the last time I was measured anyway, I may have got taller."

"I don't think so, from my observations, I'd say five ten is about right."

Clare paused, wondering what to say next. "What is your opinion on low door frames?"

Sheldon took a moment for consideration – to some this may have seemed like an odd question, however he thought nothing of it. "Well, I don't like them; I don't like them at all." He replied. "If your duck is out by even just a little bit, you're doomed to hit your head."

"I've been there."

"I don't like to complain because I can always reach the top shelf, but I can't say that there aren't drawbacks." He said. "If fact, there are lots of them."

Clare gave a nod; she understood these struggles only too well. "Try being raised by parents considerably shorter than yourself. We once went to Disney Land, but didn't go on any of the rides together – not one."

"Why ever not?"

"I was too big to go on the rides they were allowed on." She explained. "And they were too small for the ones that I was allowed on."

"You mean like the teacups?"

"Exactly like the teacups; they would fit perfectly, but I'd have no legroom whatsoever."

Sheldon nodded. "They're a nuisance." He said. "And don't even get me started on those bumper cars."

"Maybe we should just stay away from theme parks from now on."

"Agreed."

Sheldon paused for a moment; he looked at Clare, looked at Amy, turned back to the young girl. "May I make an observation?"

She nodded.

Sheldon placed his hand on her shoulder.

Leonard couldn't quite believe how natural it seemed.

"You remind me so much of Amy when I first met her." Sheldon said. "Obviously you're much younger than what she was, but the resemblance is striking."

"You're not the first one to say that."

"No, I don't suppose I am." He looked at Amy. "That was the woman I loved, you know. You didn't need to change the way you looked."

"I wanted to."

"And I would never have denied you that, never." He replied. "I had the money to let you do what you wanted; I would never have withheld a single penny of it."

"Do you ever wish that you had?"

"I never wanted a woman who covered herself in make up and wore tight clothes, if that's what you mean." He replied. "I wanted someone to have intelligent conversations, watch films and visit our favourite museums with."

"We still did all that!" Amy was desperate to defend herself. "We did stuff together all the time."

"No Amy, you'd come with me on research trips, but it wasn't to spend time with me."

"That's not true." Ever so slightly, she raised her voice. "I came because I didn't like spending time away from you."

He shook his head. "You were much happier shopping, once I handed over my credit cards, I would know that there was no chance of seeing you for the rest of the time we were there."

"I can't do that anymore."

"Yes, the money is gone and it's a big relief." Sheldon held her gaze. "I worked hard to make that money and I hated it! It was about the research and the achievements for me, that's why I let you do whatever you wanted with what I made.

"It made me happy, Sheldon."

"No, it didn't." He said "It made you a worse person Amy; it made you into a person that I wasn't sure I even liked."

Amy gasped, it was like he had punched her hard in the stomach – In fact, she couldn't help but feel like a punch in the stomach would've hurt less. "I can't believe you would say that."

"I always loved you, that was the problem – no matter how much I disliked what you had become, there was nothing that could have made me leave you." He explained. "Right now, it's kind of hard to accept that after everything we've done together, you could leave me just like that." He snapped his fingers to emphasise the point.

To Amy's relief her phone rang. Clearly stung by his words, she took a moment to compose herself. "I should take this." She reached into her pocket and retrieved it. "It's your mother."

He nodded. "Yes, although I don't want you to avoid the matter."

In that moment, she would've given anything for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. "I won't... I promise." She said, more to convince herself than him. Without making eye contact, she wordlessly got out of her seat and left the room.

Ignoring the awkwardness in the room, Sheldon swiftly moved the conversation along. Where were we?" He asked.

"Ummm... Uncle Leonard was just telling me what he knew about the night you left."

"Which isn't much, I assume." He looked over at Leonard. "In fact, you were asleep for the most part."

"It's good that you're here." Leonard replied. "Before you interrupted, I was almost done with what I know. After that, it's over to you."

"Very well then."

"If you don't mind, I'll carry on." Leonard said.

"I'm not stopping you."

 _Leonard P.O.V. Part two:_

 _Leonard pulled up outside the apartment complex and rubbed his eyes. He had barely slept and it was starting to affect him. He had made himself two strong cups of coffee for the journey back; however they had barely touched the sides. Yawning, he reached into the back seat and lifted the baby into his arms. She had been initially restless, however, once the radio was on, she soon settled down._

" _Right..." He said. "How about me and you go upstairs and see your Daddy?" Although he sounded confident, inside he was filled with doubt. "He'll be happy to see you, just you wait." Dismissing his doubts as a mere symptom of sleep deprivation, he proceeded onwards, out of the car and up to the apartment._

 _As he stood outside the apartment, he wondered if he really wanted to enter. Leonard had always thought that he knew Sheldon pretty well, however if he was to be honest with himself, in that moment, he had no idea how his friend would react._

 _He took a couple of deep breaths to steady himself and opened the door._

 _Walking in, the sound of a Star Wars battle scene filled his ears._

 _Raj was also there._

" _Hey, what's going on?"_

 _Raj was the first to respond; he looked up at Leonard, then switched off the film._

" _I was watching that!" Sheldon protested._

" _Sheldon, could you please just look over in this direction?" Leonard couldn't conceal his impatience. "Right now, watching some film you've seen hundreds of times before is not important."_

 _Sheldon sighed and reluctantly did what he was told. "Why have you brought her here? At no point did I agree to this."_

" _You can't be serious!"_

" _Leonard, you clearly have not had enough sleep – there is no way we can have a rational conversation with you like this."_

" _And why do you think I haven't slept?" He walked over to where Raj was sitting. "Could you take her for a moment?" Upon receiving a nod, he lowered her down into his arms. "Sheldon you need to realise that you can't get your own way when it comes to this."_

 _Ignoring his friend's statement, Sheldon diverted his attention to his phone._

" _What are you doing now?" Leonard's jaw was clenched in frustration. "Playing some stupid game on a stupid app?"_

" _It's Amy – She won't respond to any of my calls."_

 _In any other circumstances, Leonard would've felt for his friend; however, at that moment in time, he didn't have a lot of sympathy. "You can't blame her." Quickly, he reached out, grabbed the phone and threw it to the side. It landed with a clang halfway across the room._

 _Sheldon made to stand up._

" _If you pick that phone up, it's going out the window." Leonard warned. "Stay where you are." His voice was calm, however, this somehow made it all the more threatening._

 _Raj retrieved the phone and looked at Sheldon. "I'm just going to put it on the table, okay?" He inspected the damage. "The screen is a little cracked, but it still works."_

 _Sheldon nodded, keeping his eyes on Raj to avoid Leonard's disapproving glare._

" _Would you like to hold her?" Raj asked._

" _No, thank you." His tone was adamant. "I have to use my phone."_

 _Leonard cut in. "I was not kidding when I said it would go out the window – go on, try me, see if I'll actually do it." There was an aggressive edge to his voice – something, even he was surprised about. "Here's what's going to happen; Raj is going to leave, and me and you are going to talk about this."_

 _Raj gave a nod of understanding and passed the baby back to Leonard. "I will check in tomorrow."_

" _Sure." Leonard kept his eyes on Sheldon, becoming increasingly frustrated._

" _There is no need for you to leave." Sheldon said. "We are yet to watch the last film."_

" _Another time, ok?"_

 _Sheldon sighed. "You may think that you are leaving us alone to discuss important matters; however, I can assure you, I will not be making any decisions until I have heard off Amy." He glanced his phone. "She will be back in touch, you know."_

 _Raj painted on a smile- he hoped it was at least convincing. "Whatever you think, dude – no pressure."_

 _Raj leant in towards Leonard and lowered his tone to a sharp whisper. "The way you are acting is not cool; if this is going to work, you're gonna have to fix your attitude."_

 _Leonard was not in the mood to be argued with. "I know him better than you – if this is what it takes to get through to him, then so be it."_

" _Whatever, man, but you're exhausted." He pointed out. "You drove for most of the night without a break and you haven't been to sleep today – you can't think straight like this."_

" _I've got this."_

" _Just remember what I said." Without further argument, Raj glanced back at Sheldon, then quietly left the apartment._

 _Leonard readjusted the baby in his arms. "Okay, we're alone – just me, you and your daughter." He took a seat next to Sheldon, ignoring the fact that he had ever so slightly shuffled away._

" _She's left me, Leonard." He stared off into the far corner of the room. "She just... gone."_

 _Leonard's features slowly began to soften. "I know, but let's not get ahead of ourselves here, there's every chance that she could walk through that door at any moment." His concern for his friend soon overtook his anger._

" _Has Penny heard from her?" Hope filled his voice. "Amy is always on the phone to her, surely she would've made contact by now."_

" _I'm sorry, buddy. She's been trying, but there's no word so far."_

" _We didn't speak for months." He looked at Leonard. "What do you think the odds of her calling me now are?"_

" _I honestly don't know." Leonard truly hated seeing his usually confident friend so vulnerable. "If I could bring her back to you, believe me, I would."_

" _What do I do now?" He asked. "I can't get hold of her, so what can I do now?"_

 _There was no hesitation. "You hold your child, that's what you do."_

 _Sheldon edged away and stood up. "I couldn't possibly – you should keep hold of her."_

" _You can, she won't bite and she won't break apart." He paused. "Unless you drop her, but you're not likely to do that."_

" _Even so, I'm asking you to keep hold of her."_

" _Look at her! She's beautiful."_

" _I accept that, but I just can't do it, Leonard."_

 _Leonard stood up and walked over to where he was stood. "Just for a little bit? Even if it's only for a few seconds, you will have done a good thing."_

 _Sheldon knew that his friend was unlikely to back down. "Very well." Reluctance could still be clearly heard in his voice. "I will take her for a little while." Despite this, his arms remained firmly by his sides._

 _Leonard raised an eye brow. "You can't hold her like that."_

" _How about another time?"_

 _Ignoring the question, Leonard proceeded onwards. "Right, look at me. Do you see how I'm holding her?" He asked. "Just adjust your arms, make them look exactly like mine."_

 _Doing as requested, Sheldon slowly brought his arms up and imitated the position._

" _Right, that's good." Leonard smiled. "Bring them down a little, and then close the gap more; you don't want her falling through your hold."_

 _Sheldon brought his arms down below chest level to the middle of his stomach and closed the gap as instructed._

 _Leonard shook his head. "That's too far down now; move them up a tiny bit more."_

 _Once more, he adjusted his position. "How's that?"_

" _That's perfect." Leonard confirmed. "Now, I want you stay exactly where you are and I'll hand her over to you." Slowly, he lowered her down into his friend's arms. "Have you got her?"_

" _It would appear so."_

 _He stepped away. "Now, make sure her head is well supported; that's the important part."_

" _It seems ok." Apprehension was clear in Sheldon's voice._

 _Leonard couldn't hide his excitement, neither did he want to. "Damn right it is. You're a natural."_

 _Sadly, Sheldon did not share in this elation. He nervously chewed his bottom lip and looked anywhere but her. "I think that's enough now, you should really take her back."_

" _No, c'mon, just look at her."_

 _He forced himself to face her. "She's great." He swallowed back the lump in the back of his throat. "I mean, she's a pretty great baby, I get that, but..."_

" _But what?"_

" _But... nothing." He sighed. In that moment, the infant let out a shrill cry and began to squirm. Sheldon felt himself tense up – the cries were too loud; he didn't know how to make them stop. "That's enough now, Leonard."_

" _It's alright, its fine, she'll settle down."_

 _The cries grew louder. "Oh, Lord, what's wrong with her?" Sheldon wanted nothing more than to put her down, run into his room and lock the door. "I mean it; you need to take her off me."_

 _Leonard didn't want to give up that easy. "She's just not used to you – if you stop freaking out, rock her a little and comfort her, she'll soon know that you're a good guy."_

" _I can't." He furiously shook his head. "Take her now!"_

 _Suppressing his disappointment, Leonard took the baby in his arms. "There you go it's fine now, no more tears." He rocked her back and forth. "Uncle Leonard is here, me and Daddy are going to take good care of you."_

 _Sheldon shifted from foot to foot. "She doesn't like me."_

" _You've had a bit of a false start, but babies cry Sheldon, it's something you're going to have to get very used to." He sat down on the couch and placed the baby in her carrier. "There we go, little one."_

 _Sheldon perched on the arm of the couch._

 _Leonard looked up." See, she's settling down." He continued to rock the carrier until the cries subsided and she drifted off to sleep. "There, she got a little cranky, but it's nothing that can't be handled." He sunk down into the couch, rubbed his eyes and let out a loud yawn._

" _You should probably sleep."_

" _I can't." He shook his head. "I'll stay up and help you get your head around this."_

 _Sheldon reached over and retrieved the blanket that hung over the back of the couch. "Maybe... maybe you could just rest your eyes?" He placed it over his friend. "All it has to be is a quick nap."_

" _I am very tired." Leonard admitted._

" _You should lie down."_

 _He nodded. "You'll be alright for a few minutes?" Letting out another yawn, he repositioned himself on the sofa. In that moment, it was as if his eyes were being taped down – he simply couldn't keep them open a moment longer._

" _That's it, sleep now." Sheldon said._

 _Unable to fight it, Leonard gave in to his exhaustion and all too soon, he had drifted into a deeper than what he intended sleep._

 _oOo_

 _Leonard found himself shook awake._

 _A female voice could be heard. "Leonard, wake up."_

 _Disorientated, he rubbed at his eyes. "Penny? What are you doing back?" He removed the blanket from himself and let it fall to the ground._

 _She glanced her wrist watch. "I finished work, Sweetie."_

 _Suddenly alert, he sat bolt upright. "What? No, that can't be right, I just closed my eyes for a little while." He leaned over and looked at her watch. "Oh God, I've been asleep for hours." He scanned the room, panicked. "Where's Sheldon and the baby?"_

 _She placed her hand on his knee, unsure of what to say next. "Listen... you're not going to want to hear this..."_

 _Unwilling to wait, he sprang to his feet and made his way toward the corridor. Reaching Sheldon's room, he flung the door open. He clasped his hand to his mouth. "Penny, get in here, now!" He entered the room and surveyed the scene in disbelief._

 _Penny reached him. "Sweetie, just sit down and we'll talk about it."_

" _No, look at this place." The room was truly a mess. Belongings were strewn across the floor; the wardrobe had been emptied, the desk was practically bare and draws had been pulled out and left where they had fallen. "He wouldn't do this! He would never leave his room like this."_

 _Penny perched on the edge of the bed, gestured for him to join. "Sit down; I need to tell you something."_

" _No! I will not sit down." He started pacing. "There's got to be some simple explanation for all of this. I know Sheldon and I know he wouldn't go anywhere; not like this!"_

 _Penny sighed, reached into her pocket and produced a folded up note. "Here's your explanation." She handed it over. "I found it on the coffee table when I came in – I couldn't believe it either, but it's true."_

 _Leonard took the paper in his shaking hands._

 **Leonard,**

 **I apologise for leaving like this.**

 **I appreciate your good intentions, however in this instance; good intentions alone can not make this situation better.**

 **I regret that I have not been able to give you adequate notice, but this was a decision I have been forced to make quickly.**

 **My plan is to find Amy. It won't be easy; however, I will make sure that when I do track her down, I will put everything right between the two of us, because the truth is, I don't want to live without her.**

 **I know that you will have concerns about this plan, so I am going to make it clear now that I shall not be returning. Therefore, working on the assumption that we will not see each other after tonight, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for the years of friendship you have provided.**

 **Do not try to find me.**

 **Yours Sincerely,**

 **Sheldon Lee Cooper.**

 ** _Ps. You can claim first dibs on everything that I've left behind._**

 _Shocked, Leonard let the note fall to the ground._

" _Sweetie?"_

 _Leonard could not find his voice to speak._

 _Penny got to her feet, placed an arm around his shoulders and guided him to the bed. "C'mon, you need to sit down." She placed a kiss on his cheek. "It may not be that bad. He said himself that it was quick decision."_

 _Leonard nodded. "Yeah, he'll probably go so far, realise he's being stupid and turn straight back." He was unconvinced by his own words. "And he's taken the baby, how far could he get with a child?"_

" _You think he's taken her with him?"_

" _Of course, he's gone to find Amy, so they can be a family." He nodded. "Yes, that would be it. He'll find her, make things right and then they'll come home."_

" _Leonard, I don't..."_

" _You don't what?" He snapped._

" _I don't think that's his plan." Penny was taken aback by his behaviour. "If he really did want the baby, he wouldn't have insisted that you didn't try to find him."_

" _I know it doesn't make sense right now, but the fact that he's taken her, rather than leaving her here shows that he must want her."_

" _Listen to yourself; he isn't going to look after her!"_

" _He is." Leonard wasn't quite convinced by what he was saying, however, he was going to repeat it until he had convinced both of them. "Yes, you'll see, he'll be back any day now."_

oOo

Leonard was surprised to find that Clare had taken hold of his hand. It seemed a mystery to him that after all she had heard that she would still look to him for comfort. "Sheldon, could you step out for a moment, this is getting too much for her."

Clare intervened. "No, don't you want to know what happened after you feel asleep?"

"I can guess." His tone was bitter.

"Well I can't." She looked at Sheldon. "Taking a guess may be just fine for Uncle Leonard, but I need to hear it from you."

"Does she need to hear it, Leonard?"

Leonard nervously chewed on his thumb nail. "Maybe... I don't know, I guess she should have closure, but she hasn't had as much time to think about this as what I have."

"I don't get it! You were fine with me hearing this a few minutes ago."

Leonard offered her a weak smile. "I was fine with you hearing what I had to say, but that's because I've had time to think about how I was going to tell you." He explained. "I don't think I'm even ready to hear what he has to say, let alone being ok with you hearing it."

"It's okay, Uncle Leonard."

"But it's not okay." He insisted. "It's not okay that he gave up the friendship we had, but surely it's worse giving you up?"

In that moment, Clare had an undeniable urge to defend the man that she had a large amount of anger towards only the night before. "You can't make that decision! You don't know what he felt, because you didn't ask."

"I cared how he felt, of course I did." Leonard replied. "You don't know what he was like to live with though. He was impossible to talk to; even if I had asked, I don't honestly believe he would've given me a straight answer."

She edged closer to Sheldon. "Don't talk about him as if he's not in the room."

"Listen Clare, you're a sweet kid, but please don't do this to yourself." Leonard said. "I can't stand the thought of him hurting you the way he hurt me."

Sheldon cleared his throat to attract attention.

"What is it?" Leonard couldn't hide his irritation.

"You talk as if I set out to cause you distress."

"No, I never once thought that you did it deliberately." Leonard explained. "It was hell not knowing where you were – I knew what you were like and I honestly didn't see you doing well out there on your own."

"I did fine."

"Then why not let me know? A phone call, an email or something would've done the job."

"Let's face it, Leonard. Our lives all changed very quickly and whether you agree with me or not, me getting in contact after Clare had settled with the Wolowitz would not have done anyone any favours, least of all her." He turned away from him. "Clare, if you want to know more, I will tell you; whether or not Leonard wants to hear it is irrelevant."

Leonard was not finished with him yet. "You put me through hell!"

"What could I have done?" Sheldon said. "Just tell me, how could I have done things differently to have prevented you from going through hell?"

"There were plenty of things, Sheldon. You didn't even have the courtesy to wake me up! If I knew I would go fourteen years without seeing you, I would've wanted a proper goodbye, not some crappy note that you wrote in a hurry."

Sheldon shook his head, sighed. "Except, in reality you wouldn't have said goodbye, you would've told me not to go."

"Maybe so..."

"There's no maybe about it. You would never have let me walk out the door that night, but I had to go."

"But why did you ignore my calls?" Leonard had a million questions and he was desperate for resolution. "I used to sit up all night, dialling your number over and over. I kept on ringing it until the day the number was disconnected."

"I heard your messages, Leonard."

"Then you must have known what it was doing to me."

"That's why I got the number disconnected. Maybe it was cowardice, but it was not pleasant hearing how unhappy you were and knowing it was my fault." He said. "I hoped that once you realised there was no other means of contacting me, you would eventually be able to let go and move on."

"It wasn't just your phone; you also shut down all you social media, email addresses and Skype account." Leonard recounted. "It didn't help me get over it, it just made me feel worse that you would go to such extremes to avoid talking to me."

Clare spoke up. "I don't understand."

"What don't you understand?" Leonard asked. "He didn't want to be found, so he did all he could to make that happen."

"How is it possible for someone to just vanish like that? Surely there had to be some sort a trace somewhere."

"You've read his work, haven't you?"

She nodded.

"What is the most up to date paper he published?"

Clare took a moment for thought. "I guess the last time he published something was around the time I was born." She could remember what a mystery it has been to her; he had once been so very active in the physics community. Now, it all made sense.

"I was no longer Sheldon Cooper after I left." Sheldon explained. "In my personal life, I was still Sheldon; however professionally, I had to change my name to remain anonymous. It's my biggest regret that when I truly became successful, I couldn't reveal that it was me who made all those breakthroughs."

You see, Clare." Leonard said. "I didn't have a chance of finding him."

"You went to a lot of trouble, Doctor Cooper." She looked down at the ground, desperately trying to mask her hurt. "A lot of trouble just to get away from me.

"I felt it was the best thing to do."

"You felt the best thing for you was to be away from me?"

He shook his head. "I've always been a great believer in logic, Clare. At the time, I couldn't love you like Howard could, so I saw it as logical that I gave you to someone who could give you what you needed."

"And Stewart?"

"My son?"

She nodded. "What was so different about him?"

"He wasn't different, Clare." He said. "I was different by the time we had him."

"I don't understand."

"Then let me help you understand. I have equal measures of affection for both my offspring; it was never the case that I loved Stewart more." He paused. "It's just that after ten years, I was able to love him better and give him more than what I ever could have done for you."

Clare suppressed the emotion that threatened to spill over. "I don't need to love me like you love him, or give me the things you wish you could." She said. "I just need to know what happened that night. If you do one thing for me, make it that."

He nodded. "I am in no position to deny you anything."

The door swung open and Amy re-entered, looking flustered and red in the face. "Sheldon, it's Stewart."

Quickly, he got to his feet and rushed over to where she was stood. "Is he okay?"

"He's got a fever." She said. "He's been up all night, asking for us."

"What do you want to do?"

"We need to go to him. We've been away from him long enough."

Sheldon looked over at Clare, zipped up his jacket. "I'm sorry, Clare, we're going to have to travel to Texas now." He explained. "I won't not tell you; we'll just have to arrange to meet another day and I will tell you what you need to know."

She ran over to where they were and took hold of his arm. "I don't want you to go."

Amy held out her mobile phone. "We don't want to leave you either. Add your number to my phone and we'll call you straight away."

"This type of thing can't be done over the phone." Clare became tearful.

Sheldon looked thoughtful. "Then you should come with us to Texas."

She took a step back in surprise. "I..."

Amy chipped in. "Yes, that's a brilliant idea! We'll pay for you to come with us and when you're ready to go home, we'll make sure you get back safely."

Leonard gave Clare no chance to reply. "Over my dead body are you taking her." He got to his feet, shot Sheldon and Amy a look of warning. "She is going nowhere, do you hear me?"

Ignoring Leonard's comments, Clare looked over at Amy. "It will only be for a few days, right?"

Amy nodded. "Absolutely, you can meet your brother and Sheldon will explain everything to you."

Despite her reservations, Clare found herself agreeing. "Okay, I'll meet you at the station in an hour."


	18. Chapter 18

Clare stood outside her front door, frozen. She turned to face Leonard. "How do I tell him?"

Leonard sighed. "You know how I feel about this." He said. "It's not too late, you know; Call Sheldon and Amy and tell them the plan is off."

"I can't."

"Why not?" He placed a hand on her shoulder. "You're curious, I get that, but really, Sheldon isn't going to make you feel any better about this – in fact, he has a little habit of making things a whole lot worse."

"You've missed him. I know you have."

Leonard couldn't deny this. "Surely that is enough to make you rethink this? It has been nearly fifteen years and I have not managed to get him off my mind – is that what you want for yourself?" He asked. "Once you let that man into your life, there will be no turning back; he will reel you in and it will be impossible to walk away."

"I don't love him like you do."

He looked down at the ground. "I wouldn't call it love."

"He's still your best friend after everything he did." She noted. "You may seem angry, but it's obvious you forgive him; that's got to be love."

Leonard knew this to be true. "I've tried hating him, Clare." He said. "It just doesn't seem possible. If I was to be selfish, I'd say sure, go with them, make things right and then he can be in all our lives again..."

"But?"

"But, that's not what he deserves, is it? They've been away far too long and have missed far too much to be able to come back and just expect a place in your life." Regret was clear to hear in his voice. This was undeniably the truth and as Leonard already knew, the truth hurt. "If you want to go with them, just keep your guard up, ok?"

She nodded. "What about Dad?"

"He's not going to be happy, Clare." He admitted. "He's not going to be happy at all. You can't just walk in there, tell him you're off for a few days and expect him to give you his blessing."

Clare looked down at the ground, avoided eye contact. "It's been hard on him since Mom died."

"It's too much for a girl of your age to deal with; You need to tell us when things get too difficult." Leonard lowered his tone. "We're not stupid, Clare – We know how depressed he's been, we've smelt the alcohol on his breath."

"No!" She said, quicker than what she intended. "Just, no. You don't know what you're talking about, so..."

"Don't tell me to shut up."

"I didn't."

"You were gonna."

Clare placed her key in the door. "You don't know anything about Dad. He's been having a hard time because of Mom, but you don't have to say all that stuff. He's sad but he's not the mess you say he is."

A look of guilt spread across Leonard's face. "Clare, I'm sorry, it came out wrong. I only want to help, he's my friend."

She raised her voice. "And he's my Dad!" She pushed on the door and it flew open. "We're fine, we don't need you."

He reached out, lightly took hold of her arm. "Don't push me away, Clare. You know he's in a bad way."

She tugged her arm away, angrier than ever. "He's fine! He's grieving, everything is understandable." Before Leonard could respond, she slammed the door shut and bolted it. "Just go away."

He knocked on the door. "C'mon, Clare; I will help you tell your Dad

"We don't need anyone's help." She was practically screaming. "We don't need you and we don't need anyone else."

Leonard got to his knees and peered in through the letterbox. "Are you still going to go with Sheldon?" He asked. "If it really is just your Dad you need, then why not stay?"

She sunk to the floor, buried her head in her hands. "I don't know, I just don't know." Clare had been forced to make some very quick decisions. If she was to be honest with herself, she had barely been able to process them, let alone decide if they were the right ones or not. "Why can't I figure this out? I feel so stupid."

"You're not stupid. How about you open the door and we can talk about this?"

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs could be heard. She looked up expecting to see her father. Instead it was Raj, looking flustered and holding a near empty bottle of vodka. "Clare, where have you been?"

Ignoring his question, Clare fixed her eyes on the bottle in his hand. "Where did that come from?"

Sheepishly, he hid it behind his back. "Clare, how about you stay down here, I'll pack you a bag and you can go stay with Leonard and Penny? Just for tonight."

She moved towards the stairs. Raj was quick to block her way.

"Move." Clare insisted. "Where's my Dad?"

Leonard knocked on the door. "Raj, will you open up?"

Raj kept a hand on Clare's shoulder. "Sure, just give me a sec." He turned his attention back to her. "He's in bed right now; you really don't want to see him like this."

"I don't care." She attempted to move away from him; he kept her in a strong hold. "You can't stop me, just let me up there!"

"Stay there for a second." He said. "I'll let Uncle Leonard in and we can talk about this."

Reluctantly, she nodded.

Raj took a step back, kept his eyes on her. He quickly unlocked the door, allowing Leonard in.

Upon entering, Leonard immediately noted how dishevelled his friend looked: his hair was unkempt and his eyes were blood shot. As Clare had, he also immediately spotted the bottle. "What's going on?"

He lowered his voice to a whisper. "Dude, can you take her tonight? I don't think she should be here at the moment."

"He's been drinking again, hasn't he?"

Raj allowed his shoulders to slump. "I got here and he was passed out on the sofa." He took a step closer, lowered his voice once more. "He's in a serious mess, right now. I got him up the stairs, but he's got pretty aggressive, said some stuff the he wouldn't usually say."

Leonard exhaled slowly. "Something has gone down today with Sheldon and Amy." He looked over at Clare. "I'm not sure how he's going to cope when he hears this."

Before Raj could reply, Clare had dashed across the room and up the stairs, ignoring all calls to come back.

oOo

Howard couldn't comprehend how quickly things had fallen apart. He thought back to just a few days ago and how he had been blissfully unaware his daughter knew the truth. He was now lying on the bed, fighting back the nausea that threatened to spill over. He hadn't planned on getting this drunk; however, once he had taken the first sip he lost all control.

The door swung open and in she came.

Oh God.

How could he let her see him like this?

How could he let her see him like this again?

After the last time, he promised her faithfully that there would be no next time, but here they were again.

He heard her lock the door. His friends were demanding to be let in, but she was adamant that this was between the two of them.

"Dad? Please look at me."

Howard didn't want to look at her- he was too afraid of what he would see. He knew from the other times how much it hurt her and he couldn't face it, not now and probably not ever. "Baby, just go to your room."

She climbed onto the bed next to him. "You've gotta talk to me, Dad."

Howard wasn't sure how he did it, but somehow he found the strength to face her. It was all that he imagined and worse: her cheeks were stained with tears, her bottom lip trembled and her blue eyes were filled with a childlike vulnerability. "You deserve more than this." His voice was weak, filled with shame.

"I want my Dad." She sobbed. "I want you to be happy, like you were when Mom and Grandma were still here."

Howard knew what he had to do. He knew he should've taken hold of her and not let go until she felt secure once more. He couldn't right now; right now, he couldn't do anything. "You need to go to your room." He wanted to tell her everything was going to be okay, he was here for her. Never before had he hated himself so much.

"No, Dad." She paused, hardly daring to say it. "I need to go to Texas and talk to Dr Cooper properly." Once the words were out, Clare held her breath, waiting for his reaction – none came. "Dad? Please talk to me."

Howard sat bolt upright. In that moment, it was if someone had walked up to him and punched him hard in the stomach. "What am I suppose to say to that?" His vision blurred, he was unable to focus on her. "What the hell do you want from me?" Howard never intended to sound vicious, but he did.

Taken aback, Clare stood up and backed away from him. Never before had her sweet, loving father ever spoke to her like that – she prayed that he never would again. "I don't know." She began to cry harder. "I want you to understand."

In his drunken state, Howard become increasingly enraged. "You're leaving me for some weirdo who abandoned you! How am I ever meant to understand that?" He pointed an accusing finger at her. "I have loved you from the moment you were born." He stopped, shook his head. "No, I probably loved you even before then, what has he ever done for you?"

There was another forceful knock on the door. "Clare, you need to let us in." Raj said, panic clear in his voice. "This is out of hand!"

She ran over to the door, pulled it open and ran straight into his arms.

Raj pulled her in to himself. "It's okay. He's not himself."

Keeping hold of Raj, she turned to look at Howard. "I'm not leaving you! I would never ever leave you." Distraught, she began to shake.

Leonard stepped in. "Clare, he knows that." He shot a look of warning to Howard. "Don't you?"

Usually, the sight of his daughter this distressed would've been heartbreaking, however, in that moment the alcohol had stripped away his empathy, leaving behind a destructive rage. "You're not leaving me? How can you ever say that? That's exactly what you are doing."

"You need to stop right now." Leonard warned.

He couldn't. For the past few months, Howard had felt like he was drowning in a sea of grief and in that moment, it was if someone had tied a weight around his waist, causing him to sink right down to the bottom, with little hope of ever surfacing.

"Why can't you see this for what it is?" Clare shouted out.

"They abandon you and now they're trying to take you from me – that's what this is." He leant forward and buried his head in his hands. "They can see what's going on. I can't be a good father to you anymore and they know it."

Raj walked over, took him by the shoulder and gave him a violent shake. "Would you listen to yourself? You're a Dad, that's just what you do." He looked him full in the eyes. "Remember? You don't have to be good at anything else, just as long as you're the best father – that's what you said."

"I was a good Dad with Bernadette." He said. "She made everything fall into place. Even when she worked long hours and I looked after the baby all day, she would always come home and we'd care for her together."

Leonard spoke up. "She's gone, Howard." He walked over to where his friends were sat. "And the cold, harsh truth is she's never coming back."

Raj's eyes widened. "How is that helping?"

He gestured to Clare. "Bernadette may be gone, Howard, but just look at your little girl. She's here and she's desperate for you to get through this. You can't change the fact that Bernadette is no longer here, but you can change the way it's ruining your life."

At the mention of her mother, Clare felt her knees weaken. Slowly she lowered herself to the ground. "I want my Mom, so badly." She began to rock back and forth. "Why did she have to go?" The grief she felt in that moment was just as intense as what it was the day she died.

Leonard felt anger towards Howard. "You see! She is hurting just as much as you are." He went to Clare, wrapped an arm around her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to upset you. Believe me, if Bernadette was here right now, she'd go crazy on your Dad for what he just said."

"I want my Mom." Clare repeated. "I miss her, it hurts too much that she's gone."

"It will hurt for a long time." Raj spoke up. "I still miss my Dad; even now, seven years later, but it won't be this intense all the time, Clare, it seems like it, but it won't always hurt this much."

She gestured to her chest. "It always hurts, my throat always feels tight."

Raj looked at Howard. "Can't you see how much she's hurting right now? Step up and be the father you always were." He shook him again. "Are you even listening to me?"

Howard turned his head away, ashamed.

"I used to admire you, you know that? There was a time in your life when you were fully prepared to be her father, with or without Bernadette." He said. "Now, you won't even try to get your life back together."

Clare spoke up. "He is a good father."

"You see, even now, when you're drinking yourself stupid and acting like a jerk she still loves you. Nobody has ever loved you as much as she does."

Howard stared off into the corner of the room, completely numb.

Leonard helped Clare to her feet. "Clare, you should pack a bag." He couldn't quite believe what he was saying. "I don't want you to go, but you can't be here whilst he's like this."

"I don't think I sh..." She found herself interrupted.

"Even if you don't go with Sheldon and Amy tonight, I will take you back with me; you'll stay with me and Penny, until your Dad is better."

Howard picked up the closest thing to him; a slipper. "Even you're in on it too." He threw it at Leonard as hard as he could manage, narrowly missing him and hitting the wall. "You want to make sure I lose my daughter, ever since Sheldon has come back, you've done everything you can to keep him around at any cost."

Shocked by her father's sudden outburst, Clare began to sob harder.

"I would never do anything to come between you and your child." Leonard was hurt by the accusation. "I am not on anyone's side here."

"That's not true." Howard pointed an accusing finger. "Don't pretend you were never angry with me! I know how you felt, every damn time you saw me happy it killed you, because you knew Sheldon had to leave for me to have my family."

"No, that's not true." He raised his voice, much louder than what he intended to.

"It is completely true and you know it is! You struggled to be in the same room as me for weeks after he left."

Leonard diverted his eyes to the ground. "That was years ago."

"You couldn't stand it, could you? You blamed me for letting him go that night." He replied. "You were so damn angry that I didn't stop him; you think that I could've talked him out of it, don't you?"

"I just thought that..." Leonard trailed off, unable to continue.

Clare sniffed, wiped at her eyes. "Say it."

"It was just... I though that..." He paused, considered what he was going to say. "I guess I was just angry that Howard got a chance to talk to him that night... angry that he got to say goodbye, frustrated that he didn't try and stop him."

"You never tried to hide it." Howard said, bitter.

"I can deal with it now." Leonard confessed. "I always had this little scenario in my mind of what I would've said if he had given me the chance and the fact that you did the opposite, well... well I guess it just didn't..." Once more he was unable to finish his sentence.

"It didn't suit you." Howard finished.

"So maybe I was a little selfish." Leonard shot back. "Sheldon was my friend, he may have been a massive pain in the ass, but I didn't want him to go – You may think I'm stupid, but it doesn't make me a bad person." He could feel his palms sweating.

Eager to deescalate the situation before it spiralled further, Raj stepped in. "That's enough now." He held up his hand to signal them to stop. "Leonard, you stay with Howard." He instructed, his tone demanding. "Clare, you're coming with me."

"I want to stay here."

He pointed to the door, remaining firm. "You've seen enough, go to your room and we're going to talk about this."

"I need to be with my Dad!"

Raj shook his head – he needed to do this, even if it killed him to do so. His friend was in a bad way and as far as he was concerned, Clare needed shielding from it. Gently, he took her arm, lead her down the corridor and into her bedroom. "Clare, I'm going to ask you something and you need to promise me that you'll be honest."

Avoiding his gaze, she looked down at the floor.

He waited for her to respond.

She did not.

"Your Dad is struggling, I know that much, but I know that you haven't been honest with me." He said. "So, tell me now, how bad is it?" Raj sighed. It was a question he undeniably had to ask, however, he wasn't sure he was prepared for the answer.

"It's not bad." Her voice was barely a whisper.

Raj thought for a moment "Show me your tongue."

She raised an eyebrow. "You what?"

"It was a trick your mother used to use when you were younger." He said. "Do you remember? Whenever you used to lie, she would tell you that she could tell a lie by looking at your tongue."

Despite everything, Clare managed a smile. "I believed it for years, she told me that it changed colour if I didn't tell the truth – the change was subtle, so only Mommies that had taken a class would be able to spot the difference."

"What would she say now?"

Clare nervously shifted from foot to foot. "She'd probably say that my tongue had changed colour."

"I think she would too."

There was a painfully long awkward silence before Clare decided to speak again. "It's really bad uncle Raj." She admitted. "This... him getting like this has happened a lot since Mom died, he doesn't mean to, he just gets so sad about everything."

He sighed and shuffled in closer to her – it didn't seem that long ago where he used to have tea parties with her and her dolls. "He's not coping right now, but that doesn't mean it will be like this forever, do you believe me?"

Clare nodded. "He was starting to pick up, I know he was."

"I don't disagree." He said. "Sheldon and Amy coming back was huge for all of us, it's just your Dad's not in a place where he can deal with those feelings right now."

She paused, lowered her voice. "He talks to Mom as if she is still here, he doesn't know that I know, but I've heard him, it's like overhearing a proper conversation, except I can only hear one side of it."

Raj tried to hide his shock. "Oh..." He was truly lost for words.

"He's not gone crazy." She quickly added.

"I don't think that, I promise you, I would never think that."

"What can we do?" Desperation was clear to hear in her voice.

"You don't have to do anything." He reached under her bed and produced her rucksack. "You go to Texas and whilst you're there, I will do all I can to make sure your Dad gets the help he needs."

"No, I'm not sure about this anymore."

He continued forwards, reached into her wardrobe and randomly selected a number of clothes. "If things were different, I would probably tell you not to go with them, but for now, you need to take some time away."

"I don't want time away from him! It doesn't matter." Once more, she found herself in tears.

Zipping up the rucksack, he handed it over to her. "You'll be home soon enough and when you do return, something will be sorted." Raj took out of his wallet and produced a handful dollar bills. "Take this to pay for your ticket – Uncle Leonard can drive you to the station."

Reluctantly she took the money. "Will they let me down?"

"I don't know, Clare." Raj had had the very same concern. "All I know is that the ball is in your court and if they want you in their lives, it will be on your terms and your terms only."

Unconvinced, she merely nodded.

Raj placed a hand on her shoulder. "C'mon, it's time for you to go."

"Can I say goodbye to Dad?"

"You really want to see him like that again?"

"I want to tell him I love him."

Raj held open the door and followed her down the corridor, until they reached Howard's bedroom. Despite his friend's previous outburst, Clare did not hesitate to re-enter the room.

Howard did not look up when she entered the room. He was no longer angry, he was no longer upset – he just sat there, a blank look on his face, staring off into the far corner of the room. It was almost as if he was devoid of all emotion.

"Daddy?"

Still, he remained silent.

Leonard who had been stood nearby spoke up. "He's not ignoring you, Clare- he just can't deal with all of this right now." He walked over to where she and Raj were stood, gestured to the bag over her shoulder. "I see you've decided to go with them."

Before Clare had a chance to respond, Raj cut in. "It's hard, we need to be there for Howard right now. I trust that even if Sheldon and Amy can't look after her, Mary will be able to."

Leonard sighed. "How long for?"

"A few days." Clare said. Not willing to discuss the topic further, she walked over to where her father was sat and crouched down. "Dad?" She took hold of his hand, gave it a tight squeeze. "I'm coming back; I will always come back to you." Despite his lack of response, she continued. "I love you."

Howard turned to her, he eyes watery from tears that had formed but not yet fallen. "Love you too, baby." With that he withdrew again.

"See you soon." Keeping her eyes on Howard, she got to her feet and then turned to Leonard. "Will you take me to the station?"

"Quick, before I change my mind." Leonard held the door open for her, looked at Howard. "I hope to God this is the right decision."

Howard merely nodded.

Leonard placed a light hand on Clare arm and guided her out the door. "We'll go now." The words almost choked him.

oOo

Leonard stepped out the car. The journey to the station had included a painfully long, uncomfortable silence, and now he needed to break it. "We'll get your bag out of the trunk." He got out the car and opened the door for her.

Clare retrieved her bag and tossed it over her shoulder. "Thank you." The words were mumbled.

"Are you looking forward to seeing your Grandmother again?" Leonard thought for a moment, realising what he had done, he backtracked. "Sorry, I don't know why I said that, I meant to say Mary."

"Mary has waited a long time to be a Grandmother to me." She offered a weak smile. "I think she deserves it."

"I can't promise that Sheldon and Amy will be any good for you, but I can promise that Mary won't ever let you down." He said. "If you only do one thing over these next few days, get to know her, do all the stuff she's been dreaming of doing with you."

"Is she the type of Grandma that would let me like the bowl after making fairy cakes?"

"Hell yeah – she won't just make fairy cakes with you either." He smiled, the icy atmosphere thawing. "If I remember rightly, her cookies were the most amazing things I'd ever tried, and don't even get me started on her brownies."

"And I could bring some back for Dad?"

"I think he'd like that."

"Just so he knows that I was thinking about him."

"He knows, Clare." He reassured. "His head is a mess right now, but despite all you saw tonight, he does know that you would never leave him." Leonard wasn't sure if he truly believed his own words.

"I just..." Clare stopped mid sentence, pointed into the distance. "They're here."

Leonard turned, watched and waited as Sheldon and Amy approached. "If anything happens that you don't like, call me and I will pick you up." He whispered. "You got that?"

She nodded.

All too soon, Sheldon and Amy were stood in front of them.

Amy was the first to speak. "I'm so glad you're here." She said. "Was your Dad okay with this?"

Clare diverted her eyes to the ground.

Leonard answered for her. "Stupid question." There was a bitter edge to his voice.

Shame briefly flashed in Amy's eyes. "Of course it was."

Sheldon reached over and relieved Clare of her rucksack. "I don't mean to rush you, but our train will be leaving very shortly."

"It's fine." Clare managed to say, she looked at Leonard. "Please make sure Dad is okay."

He put his arms around her. "I will do whatever it takes for him."

Clare didn't want to end the embrace. "I want everything to be okay." She said. "Please make it okay."

He took a step back to get a proper look at her. "You go now, do what you gotta do and me and Raj will do what we gotta do."

"I will." She trusted Leonard.

Amy held out her hand. "I will look after you, I promise."

After a moment of hesitation, Clare accepted her hand, gave it a brief squeeze and then let go. "I don't need you to look after me, May." She gave her an apologetic smile. "Whilst I'm away from Dad, I'm going to be the one that has to take care of myself."

"I respect that."

"Me too." Sheldon agreed.

Leonard looked directly at Sheldon. "You promise you'll do the right thing this time?" He needed to hear it directly from him. "She has been through so much in such a short period of time, please treat her with care."

"You have my word."

"Okay then." He said. "I guess this is goodbye then."

"I hope not, Leonard."

"I can never tell with you."

"Let's meet again?"

Leonard sighed, retrieved his keys from his pocket. "Don't make promises you can't keep, I've learned that I can't trust you not to let me down." He turned to walk away.

Sheldon took a step forward, took hold of Leonard's arm." We will see each other again." His voice was firm and insistent. "Did it ever occur to you that I missed you just as much as you missed me?"

Leonard opened his car door. "I guess not." He climbed into the driver's seat, closed the door and rolled down the window. "If you really mean it..."

"I do."

"Then, I would love to see you again." He smiled. "I found you impossible to live with, but it was even worse when you were gone – I guess you could say I can't win."

"I'll be in touch... I mean it this time."

Leonard nodded, rolled up the window. He started the car and drove off slowly; for the first time in ages, he really did believe that Sheldon had changed.


	19. Chapter 19

Sheldon loved trains.

What he didn't appreciate, however, was the icy glare Amy had been giving him since they boarded.

Unable to ignore it any longer, he placed down the paper he had been pretending to read. "Problem?"

Amy exhaled loudly. "Yes, Clare is sat two rows away from us."

"What can I say? She probably needs more leg room." Satisfied, Sheldon turned his attention back to his reading material. He flipped to the crossword section, wishing he had a pen.

"Leg room? She's sitting cross legged."

"Mmm Hmm." He mumbled, unsure of what to say.

Amy had had enough. She reached over, pulled the paper out of his hands and crumpled it up. "Would you look at me when I'm talking to you?"

Childishly, he crossed his arms and slumped back in his seat. "You've not given me much choice, we're stuck together in a small carriage and I now no longer have anything else to keep me occupied."

"I don't want to talk to you much either, but we've got to if we want to make any progress with Clare."

"I do want to talk to you." He said. "I just don't want to talk if there is going to be this much hostility between the two of us."

Amy was silent for a moment. "I don't want that either."

"I don't like fighting with you, Amy."

She nodded in agreement. "I don't want to fight either."

"Very well, then. Then it's agreed?"

"What is agreed?"

"We put this whole thing behind us?"

Amy looked doubtful. "I don't know, Sheldon. I love you, but you need to give me more time before I even consider marrying you." She reached out and took hold of his hand. "None of this is ideal, I just need to be sure that if we do go ahead with this, it will be the right thing."

"There's still a chance for us?"

"There's always still a chance, Sheldon." Amy replied. "We've forgiven each other before; we can forgive each other again." She gestured to where Clare was sat. "Although, I don't think either of us can forgive ourselves until we do right by her."

"We will, I promise."

A hostess pulled up with the food trolley, bringing the conversation to a premature, unsatisfactory end. "May I offer you anything to eat or drink?" Her bright smile and breezy demeanour was a cruel contrast to the tense atmosphere between the couple.

Amy leant across the table. "This is perfect." She said to him. "You buy her a drink, take it over and strike up a conversation."

He looked doubtful. "I don't know, she looks weepy."

"Therefore, it is surely customary to offer her a beverage?"

"I don't know what she drinks." He said. "What if I get her a hazelnut latte and she is allergic to nuts like Howard is? We don't want her head to swell up and explode."

Amy sighed. "You're her biological father; she's not going to inherit any allergies off an adoptive parent." She was beyond frustrated. "You're not stupid; you know how this works,"

He held his hands up to signal defeat. "It was worth a shot."

"Just order her something."

"What if I get her a soft drink and she doesn't like it? Then she'll hate me forever." He shook his head. "No, this is far too risky."

"Water." She gritted her teeth. "Get her water."

The hostess struggled to maintain her smile. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but other customers are going to need serving."

Sheldon reached into his pocket, produced his wallet. "I'll take two..."

Amy swiftly interrupted. "Really? Two?"

Realising his mistake, he quickly rephrased. "I'll take three bottles of water." Paying for the drinks, he gave Amy his best koala face. "Here's that drink I got you."

"You used to buy me champagne."

"And if I remember rightly, you used to drink the whole bottle to yourself." He remarked. "Then you'd throw up and I'd have to carry you to wherever it was we were staying."

"You'd put a bucket by the bed and then go off to whatever business meeting you were going to."

"Which made more money to buy more champagne." He said. "I was basically paying for you to make yourself vomit."

"I get it, I was a mess."

"I still loved you."

Her features softened. "Did you still love me when I crashed that new car you bought me?" she asked. "It was the most expensive car you'd ever bought and I crashed it because I was putting on lipstick whilst driving."

"I still loved you." He nodded. "You were pregnant with Stewart, so I was just glad you were ok; maybe angry that you could've lost my child because of carelessness, but that didn't stop me loving you."

"I don't think I could ever stop loving you either."

"Then I will do whatever you ask of me."

She nodded. "Talk to Clare?"

"I will talk to her about anything and everything." He smiled. "It's amazing how much she looks like you." He got to his feet, gripping the seat for support when the train jolted. "The funny thing is though; I've got no idea where to start."

"Let her take the lead, she knows what she wants, you've just got to ask."

Taking her advice, he walked over to where Clare was sat. It was daunting, Sheldon knew his son inside and out, however, his daughter was a blank canvas to him – this was not a pleasant thought. For a moment he stood behind her, just watching. She was sat; her shoulders slumped as if she had the weight of the world on them.

"I know you're behind me; I can hear you breathing."

Suddenly embarrassed, Sheldon shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Mind if I sit down?"

She turned to face him. "Go ahead."

He slid into the seat opposite her. "You look troubled, what are you thinking about?"

"My Mom." She shared. "I wish she was here to make this right."

Sheldon pondered this for a moment. Bernadette had never really been someone he was close to, however, he undoubtedly had eternal gratitude towards this woman. "Here, you should have a drink." He passed the water over. "You know I was fourteen when my father died. The year was 1994 and he finally succumbed to years of drinking and over indulgence."

"I didn't know that. Did it hurt you badly too?"

Sheldon chose honesty. "No."

"What do you mean?"

"No, it didn't hurt, he was mean. He forced me to do stuff I didn't want to do; I was not the son he wanted and he ridiculed me daily for it." He admitted. "But I lost my Grandmother, I called her Memaw. Now that really did hurt, still does."

"When did she die?"

"It was eleven years ago now, three years after your birth." He said. "You see, Clare, I didn't contact my mother for at least a year after I left, but Memaw was different you see. I phoned her straight away after I left and every day after that."

"And she didn't tell Mary?"

He shook his head. "She understood. Everybody else called me selfish and other such words, but not her, she just got it."

"Sounds like a great lady."

He looked her full in the eyes. "I'm going to tell you something that I haven't told anyone."

Intrigued, Clare sat up. "Okay."

"There was a reason why Memaw understood me so well; a reason why she never once judged me, or begged me to come back."

 _11 years ago._

 _Sheldon stood outside his Memaw's bedroom. The door opened and Missy came out. She gave him a cold stare that she has been giving him all weekend. Sheldon had not seen his sister in three years and it was obvious she felt resentment towards him._

" _Memaw has told me to go to Mom's, she doesn't want anyone else here whilst she's talking to you."_

" _Oh?"_

" _She didn't say why." She walked passed him, reached the door and turned to face him. "You know what I don't get?"_

 _Sheldon shook his head; he sensed that she was going to mention his daughter._

" _After everything you did, you're still her favourite." Missy was angry at Sheldon and she was not going to hide this. "Me and George work hard to raise our children and you dump yours."_

" _Missy, this is not the time or the place."_

" _My Memaw is dieing and she sends me away so she can spend time with her precious Moonpie." She pointed an accusing finger at him. "You deprived me of a niece and you took away Mom and Memaw's grandchild."_

" _Why are you bringing this up now of all times?"_

" _Because, it's not fair! She still favours you over all of us, even though we've been here whilst you've been off avoiding your child." All the feelings Missy had been holding in the past few years began bubbling to the surface. "Do you know how many times Mom has cried herself to sleep over losing that little girl?"_

" _She is being well looked after."_

" _You keep telling yourself that." She pulled open the door. "I don't know how you sleep at night."_

 _Sheldon avoided her gaze. "Have you seen her?"_

" _Your child?"_

 _He nodded._

 _The anger in her eyes faded away, leaving behind a sadness. "Not once. We can't see her, not now, not ever." Her voice became choked. "Mom had to choose between you and that girl, you gave her no option."_

 _Sheldon suppressed his guilt and pulled out his phone. "I know that this in no way makes up for what I've taken away from our family but..." He scrolled through until he found what he was looking for. "I think you should see this."_

 _Missy took her hand off the door knob, walked over to her brother and received the phone. "Oh my..."_

" _I know." He said. "She's pretty cute. Obviously, she's three years older now, but it's all I've got."_

" _You took this when you left?"_

 _He nodded. "She'll have hair by now; she'll be talking and walking too."_

" _I wonder what her first word was?"_

" _I expect it was Daddy." He mused. "I can imagine her sat on Howard's lap, how excited he must've got. I can see him shouting up the stairs, saying Bernie get down here, you gotta hear this."_

 _Of all the things Missy was expecting, that was the furthest from her mind. "I didn't think you thought about it that much."Stealing one last glance, she locked the phone and gave it back to her brother. "You're more successful now than what you ever were, I guess it just didn't seem to me as though you missed her at all."_

" _I've thought about her, of course I have." He said. "But please don't ask me to express regret for what I did; the man I was back then would not have been a good father."_

" _I can't pretend to understand."_

" _I don't expect you to."_

 _There was a moment of silence – Missy was done being angry for now. "listen... we have the rest of our lives to talk about this, but Memaw is running out of time. You need to go to her now."_

" _It's just so hard."_

 _Her sisterly instincts kicking in, she took a step forward and pulled him into an embrace. "Make sure you say goodbye properly, don't let her leave this world without saying everything that you want to say."_

" _I wish she could've held her great grandchild, just the once." Sheldon wasn't an emotional person, but when it came to his grandmother, he would gladly tear up his own rule book. "She's going to die without ever seeing her."_

 _If Missy was to describe only one thing as heartbreaking, this moment would be it. "But what about when you die, Shelly? Many years from now, you will be in the position that Memaw is in, don't you want your little girl to hold your hand when it does happen?"_

" _I've had to live with it and I accept that I'll have to die with it." His words were unconvincing._

 _She took a step back, wiped away a stray tear. "I pray that you will find peace, Shelly."_

" _I find reassurance by remembering the look in Howard's eyes when I handed her over to him; it was like I'd handed him a million dollars, except it was so much better than that, he just loved her and was never going to stop."_

" _And that's how you sleep at night?" This time, compassion was strong in her voice._

" _That, and a glass of warm milk before bedtime."_

 _She painted on a smile. "It's good to see you again, twins should never be apart."_

" _No, they shouldn't." He agreed._

 _She pointed in the direction of Memaw's room. "I'm going to go see Mom, leave you to have some time with her before..." She trailed off._

 _He nodded. "Yes, I should go in there." Sheldon waited until Missy was out of the house before he entered. Walking into the room, he took a look at his grandmother. She was sat up in bed with a smile on her face; it was hard to comprehend that she was so close to death._

" _Are you in any pain, Memaw?"_

" _I'm just fine." She shuffled over and gestured for Sheldon to sit on the edge of the bed. "I may be dyeing, but I will not spend my last days complaining."_

 _Sheldon sat down. "Nobody would blame you."_

" _Moonpie, I have been fiercely independent in my old age, I've done everything for myself and have accepted nothing off no one, so I don't intend on playing the helpless old lady now."_

" _That's very admirable of you, Memaw, I just wish you would let me take care of you."_

" _You're a good man, Sheldon, but this is not something that can be cured with vapo rub and soft kitty." She reached out and took his hand. "I don't want to leave you, but it's my time."_

" _If it was down to me Memaw, it would never be your time." He said. "If I could I'd dedicate my life to finding the key to immortality, I would make you young again and I'd never have to lose you, ever."_

" _Oh Shelly, everybody has to go at some point, everyone has their time." She tried to remain upbeat. "I've had a good life, I've been blessed with a wonderful family and I have lived to a good age. I'm leaving, but make no mistake I'll be leaving with a smile on my face."_

" _You're one brave woman, Memaw."_

" _You have courage too." She tightened her grip on his hand. "The rest of the family don't understand, but I do."_

 _Sheldon was perplexed. "Understand what?"_

 _She paused for a moment. "I've not told anyone before, not your mother, not your grandfather, no one." She said. "But, I'm going to tell you, because it may have been my secret, but I don't want to keep quiet about it anymore."_

" _You want me to know?"_

" _You're the best and only person I would tell."_

 _Sheldon hesitated. "Okay, if you wish to unburden yourself, I will carry the weight with you."_

 _She took a deep breath. "I don't think you're a bad person for leaving your baby. I have always loved you just as much as what I always did, because I know how hard it is to give up a child." She didn't wait for him to respond. "I know that you didn't want to give up that girl, you just saw keeping her as impossible."_

" _What do you mean you know how hard it is?" Sheldon wasn't sure what to think. "You mean you know, or you can emphasise?"_

" _I know."_

 _Sheldon clasped his hand to his mouth. "I don't understand. Are you trying to tell me that you too did what I did?"_

 _Slowly, she nodded. "I was sixteen and unmarried."_

" _I..." Lost for words, he trailed off._

" _Of course now, times are different, but back when I was at that age, it was a scandal." She explained. "My parents sent me to live in some sort of refuge run by nuns. They treated me brutally, told me about all the shame my sins had brought to my family."_

" _That's outrageous! You were just a child, what right did they have to treat you like that?"_

" _When I was that age, a woman engaging in sexual activity before marriage was deeply frowned upon, I came from a deeply religious community, which made the situation ten times worse."_

" _Even so, the way you were treated was not fair."_

 _She proceeded onwards. "I eventually gave birth to a little boy." At this, Memaw began to tear up. "The moment he was born, they cut the cord, wrapped him up in a blanket and took him out the room."_

" _They let you see him though?"_

 _She shook her head. "No, I begged for them to let me hold him, but they refused."_

 _Sheldon was desperate to make this better. "Memaw, it was different, totally different." He insisted. "You had your baby taken away from you; you didn't choose to leave him."_

 _Memaw placed her hand on his cheek. "My parents came to see me the next day. They sat down with me and told me they had managed to explain away my absence to the neighbours." She sniffed. "They said that I had gotten away with it this time and that I could come home with them, if I agreed to give up the baby for good and never bring shame upon them again."_

" _You were in an impossible situation, Memaw."_

" _Even so, I can't help but think what could've been." She said. "Maybe, if I hadn't been so damn scared of my parents, I could have taken him and started a new life with him, away from them and away from all those terrible people in that neighbourhood."_

" _You can't blame yourself." Sheldon found himself breaking down; the pain was too intense to handle. "You were in no position to do anything but go back with your parents, they gave you no option."_

" _I tried to forget about him, Moonpie, really I did. When I returned home, I met your grandfather, we married pretty quickly and had our three beautiful children." She said. "It didn't matter who I was with or what I did, that little boy was never far from my mind."_

" _No, you don't stop thinking about them, it's only been three years, but I don't think I will stop going over the ifs, buts and maybes." He looked at her. "What gets me through is that she went to people much better than me."_

" _When I heard about what you'd done Shelly, I didn't feel how your mother did. She was heartbroken that you chose to leave that baby, but I forgave you, because I know what it's like to be forced to give up a child."_

" _But I wasn't for..." He found himself interrupted._

 _You weren't forced, it was your decision. It may not be ideal, but you didn't have to go through what I did." She said. "And for that, I was grateful."_

 _Sheldon was silent._

" _Have I shocked you?" Memaw asked._

 _He nodded._

 _Memaw felt as though a weight had been lifted. "You understand though, I can see it in your eyes." She said. "You've never been able to relate well to other people, but not this time – This time, you're feeling this with me."_

 _Sheldon took a moment to gather his thoughts. "I know it may be too late for you to make peace with him in person, but I can help you." He said. "Tell me what you want to say, I'll help you write it down."_

" _Sheldon, no." She shook her head._

" _It will be fine, I promise you that I will track him down and let him know that you loved him." Sheldon found himself getting carried away with the idea. "He will understand! You were young and scared."_

" _Sheldon stop." Memaw cut in. "You won't be able to do that."_

" _Sure I can. It may be a little tricky, considering all the time that has gone by, but if I dig deep enough, I should be able to find some trace of him." He said. "It may take me a while, but I can take some time off, stay in America little bit longer."_

" _You could, but you'd be wasting your time."_

 _Sheldon was visibly stunned. "I don't understand?"_

" _You'd be wasting your time because I already did my own search fifteen years ago." She sighed. "I found an address for him in Alabama."_

" _You did? Memaw that's fantastic." He looked hopeful. "How did it go?"_

" _I met his wife... It turns out that I was a little too late."_

 _Sheldon's heart sank. "Oh, Memaw."_

" _His wife was a wonderful woman." Memaw desperately tried to keep her composure. "She told me that her husband had never stopped hoping that I would show up on his doorstep – she said he forgave me."_

 _He placed a hand on her knee. "What happened, Memaw?"_

" _Testicular cancer." A lost look flashed in her eyes. "Jack- that was his name, had fought it several times during his life, it took away their ability to have children and eventually it took away his life."_

" _I'm so sorry."_

" _I left it too late, Moonpie." Her voice was filled with regret. "By the time I got there, he had been gone three years. His wife got the photo albums out, shared with me pieces of his life that I should've been there for."_

 _Sheldon swallowed back the lump that had formed in his throat – the conversation had started to take its toll on him. "That's unfortunate." He took a deep inhalation in through his nose. "If I was in that position... if my daughter..." He trailed off, unable to continue. "I guess I can't call her that now, can I?"_

" _Maybe not, but you won't be able to stop wishing that you could."_

 _Unable to deny this, Sheldon diverted his eyes to the ground. "She forgot about me and Amy the moment we left." He said. "And quite rightfully too."_

 _Memaw did not protest this; she had learned over the past few years that enough of her family members had strong opinions on that particular subject, and she was not willing to jump on that explosive bandwagon. "Don't forget that, if you truly believe that, keep it in mind every time you wrestle with the conscience of yours, because if you doubt it for even a single moment, you'll open yourself up to a lifetime of regret and self hatred."_

" _I think mother hates me enough for the two of us."_

" _Your mother could never hate you, Moonpie." She said. "If she hated you, she wouldn't miss you as much as she does."_

 _Sheldon couldn't bring himself to respond._

 _Picking up that the conversation was fading out, Memaw made the move to end it. "Thank you for listening, you are my special boy."_

" _No, I need to thank you."_

" _Thank me?"_

 _He nodded. "Yes, you have been the only person to support me these past three years, whilst everyone else was losing their minds and yelling, you just loved me." Sheldon found his eyes welling up with tears. "And now I'm losing you."_

 _Memaw pulled him into her arms. "I will always be with you, even if it doesn't seem like it." She said. "Is there one more thing you can do for me?"_

" _Anything, whatever it is, you just have to ask."_

" _Do you remember that bakery I used to take you and Missy to when you were young?"_

" _Of course."_

" _I would like one more of my favourite cakes from there, can you remember which one?"_

" _Yes, pink icing, jam filled centre." Ending the embrace, he wiped his face with his sleeve. "But Missy left with the car, if I walk, you'll be by yourself for at least an hour."_

" _That doesn't bother me, after you Grandfather died, I had to learn to be content in my own company."_

" _You're sick, you might need something."_

" _I don't need anything, just one of those cakes." She gave him her best smile. "How about it, Moonpie?"_

 _Sheldon was hesitant. "Does it really mean that much to you that I do this?"_

" _It means everything."_

 _He sighed, despite his reservations, Sheldon couldn't deny her anything, especially not now. "Okay, I'll do it." He reached over to the bedside table and placed her phone in her hand. "I want you to keep this with you at all times."_

" _Got it."_

" _I'm serious Memaw, my number is on speed dial, if you need me, call and I will be back as soon as I can."_

" _I know how to use the phone, Sheldon." She gestured to the door. "The sooner you leave, the quicker you will be back here with me."_

 _He took a step backwards, still reluctant. "Are you sure this is that important?"_

" _Oh, it's hugely important."_

 _He pulled open the door. "I'll be quick, by the time I get back, it will be like I hadn't left at all."_

" _I'm counting on it." For a moment she was silent, taking one long look at him. "Remember how much Memaw loves you, ok?"_

 _Despite everything, Sheldon managed a smile. "I won't be long, I promise." After a moment of hesitation, he turned and made his way out the house._

 _oOo_

 _Sheldon hadn't intended to be gone as long as what he had been. Unfortunately, for someone as antisocial as he was, growing up in a town where everybody knew each other had many drawbacks. As soon as he had managed to end one conversation, another well wisher from the church would corner him._

 _He placed the keys down and took the stairs two at a time._

 _He opened the door to her bedroom and stepped in. "Memaw, I'm so sorry, it took much longer than expected." He placed down the cakes on her bedside table. "It's a good job I got there when I did, turns out you're not the only customer these are popular with."_

 _Memaw offered no response._

 _He perched on the edge of her bed, continued talking. "Good Lord, that Mrs Jackson doesn't know when to shut up does she? And don't even get me started on that lady with the wonky eye, I don't know her name, but she works in the 7/11, you know who I'm talking about."_

 _Sheldon heard the front door open, followed by footsteps on the stairs._

" _Missy, is that you?_

" _Yes, it's me." She replied. "Alright if I come in?"_

" _That's fine, we've had our talk."_

 _Missy entered, offered a smile. "I managed to get Mom to take a nap, she's just exhausted." She said. "She wouldn't stop cleaning the house."_

" _She was the same after Dad died." Sheldon replied. "I helped her and the house never looked better."_

 _Ignoring the comment, Missy changed the subject. "How's she..." Her face paled._

" _How's she what?"_

 _Missy rushed over to her grandmother's bed, gave her a light shake. "Memaw can you hear me?" She leant over her chest, listened for a few seconds. "Sheldon, I think she's..." Her voice cracked, eyes filled with tears._

 _Suddenly, it clicked. "No, she can't be." Sheldon moved over to the bed and sat down next to Missy. "How can she be?" He placed two fingers on her wrist – there was no pulse. "Oh, no."_

 _Missy let out a loud sob. Despite knowing that this was coming, she was still not ready to let go. "Oh Shelly, what will we do without her?"_

 _Sheldon hoped that question was rhetorical. For a moment he felt numb, his mind for the first time ever was blank – he didn't know what to say and he certainly didn't know what to do. He felt his sister reach out and take his hand; there was no resistance on his part._

 _Missy sniffed, blinked several times. "You know, it used to feel like she'd be here forever."_

 _Sheldon shuffled in closer to her. He had always hated affection of any kind, however now was different, he needed someone. "I really wish she could've been."_

 _Missy placed her face on his shoulder, staining his jacket with tears._

 _And that was how they stayed._

 _In those few moments, the bitterness and the anger that had dominated their relationship for three years dissolved._

 _They were there for each other._

 _oOo_

Sheldon trailed off and looked at Clare, serious. "Now, you and I are the only two living people, aside from her son's wife that know her secret." He said. "Will you keep my secret?"

"I... I think so." Clare was surprised and by this point, she didn't think anything would shock her. "You really wanted me to know?"

"I always said to myself that I would tell just the one person." Sheldon said. "It's taken me eleven years, but tonight on this train, I found that one person that I knew I could tell."

"Me."

He nodded. "I never gave us a chance to be close; I've never been there for you, I haven't seen you grow up, but I wanted us to have this – I wanted to share with you something about my life that nobody else knows about."

Clare was visibly touched. "That's... that's lovely."

"Now that I've done that, I want to introduce you to my son." He continued. "I think you'll get on great."

"What's he like?"

"He's mischievous; he likes to play little practical jokes on me." Sheldon smiled. "He doesn't share my passions or interests, but it doesn't really matter; at least it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would."

"What does he like?"

"He likes to dig up the back yard for earthworms." He grimaced slightly. "You should see how muddy he gets, I always have to give him an extra long bath afterwards; he splashes though, I always get soaked each and every time."

"Whenever I used to get muddy, Mom would chase me around the garden with a hose pipe." She laughed. "Dad would always freak out though; he'd shout stuff like: Bernie, what the hell are you doing? She's gonna catch a cold!"

"And did you?"

"No, not really – Dad never let her do it for that long." She said. "He'd turn the water off, wrap me up in a towel and tell Mom to get her act together."

Sheldon nodded. "So Bernadette was the fun parent?"

"Yes, but when it came to punishment for being naughty, Dad was always the soft one. If she put me on the naughty step for half an hour, he'd always take me off it within ten minutes."

"Half an hour? Sounds a little lenient."

Clare raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Sheldon replied. "When Stewart acts up, he is grounded for a week."

"He's four years old, what could he possible be grounded from at that age?"

"Admittedly, that's a tough one. I can take his action figures off him, but kids of that age have no focus, so when I hand them back, he's already forgotten about them and moved on to the next thing." He glanced over at Amy, lowered his voice. "Between you and me, we used to be very wealthy; Amy bought him so many toys, it was impossible for him to keep track of them all."

Clare wanted to know more. "When you say wealthy, how much are we talking about here?" Bernadette had always taught her to not talk about money; especially when Howard was a stay at home father, the topic of how much income Bernadette brought in was always an intense one. However, in this circumstance, Clare was willing to make an exception. "Were you millionaires?"

"Well, I won a breakthrough in Physics prize." Sheldon didn't share this information with anyone. "I had to accept it anonymously of course; as with all my projects, I had to ensure that my identity was concealed."

"Wow." Clare could think of no other words. "I've heard about that prize, it's... its worth a lot."

"Like, I said, we're not that wealthy any more, but it doesn't matter Clare." He leant forward slightly. "Can I give you some advice?"

She nodded.

"I just want you to know this whilst you're still young." Sheldon began. "Money, attractiveness and flashy gadgets may seem like they're everything; they may bring you a lot of happiness, boost your ego and maybe even your status, but one day, there will come a time where you won't have them anymore."

"Ok." She said, unsure of where he was going.

"One day, the job you had will stop being as prosperous as what it once was, the money will get less and less; the gadgets you had will no longer be top of the range and will certainly not be as popular as they were the day you got them, and looks usually always fade with age."

Clare looked at him for a moment. "That's not really advice; it's actually a bit of a downer."

"What I'm trying to say is Clare, I may have had all that stuff and then lost it, but what I didn't lose and never will, is my achievements." He smiled. "Financial situations can change in a blink of an eye, but all those years of work, late nights and research I did can never be undone – whatever I gained from all of that will always be with me."

She smiled. "I think I understand."

"Just don't forget what it's all about, find something you love and do it; if you make a lot of money from it, that's great, but it's not everything, don't get so caught up in material wealth that you lose sight of your passion – it will only make you miserable in the end."

Clare, for the first time since meeting him saw a glimpse of humanity in his eyes. "There's a lot more to you than what I first thought; I may have misjudged you, Doctor Cooper."

He smiled and for a second, maybe even two, it felt like he had never given her up at all.


	20. Chapter 20

Sheldon was uncomfortable and he blamed Amy.

"When you rented this car, did you not take into account that it was tiny and I would not have enough leg room?" Sheldon scowled, certain that she chose the car just to inconvenience him. He turned to Clare. "How you doing back there?"

Clare shifted in her seat. "There's not a lot of room."

Amy tightened her grip on the steering wheel, gritted her teeth. "Well, Sheldon, if you learned how to drive, you can get yourself a double decker bus, would that be spacious enough for you?"

Clare leant forward , made eye contact with Sheldon. "Can you really not drive?"

"Why so surprised?"

"I just thought that with all the travelling you did, you would've needed a car, that's all."

"Amy used to come with me a lot."

Amy nodded. "Yes, I'd drive him to wherever he needed to go; that was the deal, he paid for the car and I'd take him where he needed to be."

"Not that she always held up her side of the bargain."

"Sheldon, don't." Amy struggled to maintain her temper. "Just learn when to keep quiet."

"I'm merely pointing out that you often found apparently better things to do." He said. "That conference in Germany for instance."

"How many times do I have to apologise for that?"

"Did I say you needed to?"

"No, but you keep bringing it up!"

"It was a chance to take part in a project of a lifetime; I told you how important it was."

"Then surely it's a good thing we're not getting married then?" Amy knew she shouldn't say this; even so, she couldn't hold back. "Enjoy your life as a single man, do what you want, spend your money how you want to spend it."

This had caught him off guard. "Be quiet, Amy." He crossed his arms. "Your attempts to hurt me are quite frankly pathetic- in fact, I'm sure if you continue to make statements of that sort, Clare will only see you as petty and juvenile."

Amy offered no response, instead, she drove the car over to the side of the road and pulled up. She turned the engine off.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"Get out of my car?"

"Excuse me?" Sheldon narrowed his eyes.

"Now."

Clare nervously shifted in her seat – Bernadette had thrown Howard out of the car many times over the years, however, there was something about watching Sheldon and Amy argue in this way that made her particularly uncomfortable. "May? How about we just put on the radio and carry on with the journey?"

"Great idea." Amy looked over at Sheldon. "Would you get out? Clare wants to get going."

"No I didn't mean that." Clare said.

Sheldon held up his hands in defeat, stepped out without protest. He opened Clare's door, reached into his pocket and passed her his I- pod. "If she gets too cranky, put the headphones in to drown her out."

"I swear to God, Sheldon, I will actually reverse over you!" Amy glared at him.

Sheldon zipped up his jacket. "Right, Clare, I'll probably be about an hour, so I'll see you soon."

"Why can't you just apologise?"

"Oh Clare, I will never be sorry for speaking the truth and if Amy can't handle that, then I guess I'll just have to walk."

Clare turned away from him and bowed her head – she wished Howard was there. "Why can't you be the guy that you were on the train?" She was finally starting to warm to him, however it was clear that the stubborn attitude that she hated so much was here to stay.

Guilt flashed in his eyes; unfortunately Clare was positioned in such a way that she did not see this. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it and turned to face Amy. "Okay, tell Stewart that Daddy will be with him soon and I'm super excited to see him."

Clare visibly flinched – The way he referred to himself as Stewart's Daddy seemed so natural; A far cry from the relationship they had. "You really want to see him, don't you?" She forced herself to look at him.

"I would." Sheldon said. "Very much." He looked at Amy. "I'm sure you know how that feels." He stared her full in the eyes, knowing he had her on this one."

"Yes." Amy replied.

Clare sighed. "You both want to see him; at least that's something you can agree on." She said. "If you'd just stop arguing, you'd be with him a lot sooner."

There was a pause.

"Clare?" Amy said. "Would you like Doctor Cooper to get back into the car?" Her tone had softened significantly.

Clare hesitated. Selfishly, she wouldn't have minded putting a bit of distance between him and herself, however, she couldn't help think of the young boy who was waiting eagerly for his father to come home. "You probably shouldn't leave him at the side of the road."

Amy relaxed her grip on the steering wheel. "No, I probably shouldn't." She reached over to the passenger side and opened the door. "Get back in."

Leaving her with no chance to change her mind, Sheldon climbed back in and promptly closed the door. "Thank you, Amy." The words were forced, his teeth were gritted.

"You are to remain quiet for the rest of the journey."

Deciding against an argument, Sheldon leant over and turned up the radio as high as it would go; however, as they soon found out, there was nothing that could really take away the uncomfortable silence that followed.


	21. Chapter 21

Amy brought the car to a standstill, turned off the engine.

For a moment, the three occupants remained silent.

Sheldon was the first to break the silence. "This is it, my mother's house." He said. "It's Sunday tomorrow, please do not feel obligated to go with her to church."

Amy gave him a sideways glance. "She's Jewish, Sheldon."

He snorted. "Howard was never one for upholding his own heritage, what makes you think he would've taught Clare any different?" Sheldon turned in his seat, made eye contact with Clare. "Am I wrong?"

Clare shrugged. "I'm not really religious, but it's still a part of our family and I respect that."

"You know, Sheldon, if you had that attitude, you would argue with your mother a lot less." Amy interjected.

He tugged off his seatbelt, scowled. "My mother could recite every last page of the Bible out loud the whole time we're here for all I care; as long as I get to see Stewart, she can do whatever the heck she wants."

Despite the stormy expression, Clare was certain she saw an ounce of humanity in his eyes again – It was obvious to her then that they key to his emotions was his son. "I can't wait to meet him." She painted on a smile.

Amy unclipped her seatbelt, looked to Sheldon. "He'll be very excited to meet her."

"How can he be excited about a meeting he has no knowledge about?" After a moment of thought, he quickly thought better of that statement. "Well, he may not know you're coming, but he sure will like you."

"You don't know what to say, do you?" Clare asked. This was a question that had been doing circles in her mind from the moment she discovered he was her father. "You never thought that you would have to find these words."

He sighed. "You're right." Sheldon couldn't fault her insight; however brilliant he may have thought he was, there was no denying that he was painfully transparent. "You're as insightful as you are intelligent."

Amy swallowed back the lump that had formed in the back of her throat; she had prayed that this reunion would be all that she had dreamed of – Clare would click with them, there would been an instant bond and she would be the mother she wished she could've been all those years ago. Instead, it was painfully awkward. "I think we should show Clare in now." Her voice was no more than a whisper.

Without a word, Sheldon climbed out the car, walked up to his mother's front door, and opened it. He sighed to himself; it was beyond belief to him that Mary would choose to leave her door unlocked in such a way.

Amy who had remained in the car, glanced over at the house. "This is big isn't it?"

Clare slowly nodded. "I never even knew I had a brother." She nervously chewed her bottom lip. "I don't know what I'm going to feel."

"I'm hoping you'll love him for the sweet little boy that he is." Amy found her eyes filling up, the emotion threatened to overwhelm her. "Me and Sheldon, we're hugely dysfunctional, I'm not afraid to admit that; we've made a ton of mistakes, I've screwed a lot of things up these past few years and you have every right to want to run a mile from us, but Stewart..." She suddenly stopped, wiped a runaway tear. "He's so young, so innocent; all I ask is that you don't judge him by what you know about us."

"I can do that." Whatever doubt that Clare may have had, she was able to push to the back of her mind. She got out of the car, walked around to the driver's side and offered Amy her hand. "We can do this together."

Amy clasped the young girl's hand. She took a moment to look down and noted that she was wearing a mood ring. "Clare?"

"What is it?"

Amy lifted up her opposite hand. "I'm wearing one of those too."

Clare relaxed into a smile. "I love them."

"Sheldon always tries to ruin it by reminding me that the colour change is determined by body temperature, but there's a little part of me that likes to believe it."

Clare relaxed into a giggle. "Me too

Amy took a closer look at the ring; it was a brilliant blue. "You're still nervous though."

Clare nodded in the direction of Amy's finger; the colour of her ring, practically identical to her own. "You too."

"I am." She paused. "But I can't help but think you would've known that with or without a piece of jewellery."

"Maybe so, but as long as we're wearing these, we won't have to second guess each other." In that moment, a five dollar ring became invaluable. "Let's not take them off when we're with each other."

Amy nodded in agreement. "Maybe, whenever we wear them at the same time they will always be the same colour?" She didn't care how ridiculous it may have sounded to an outsider, if it made sense to Clare that was good enough for her.

"But, what if you're happy and I'm sad?"

"That's not possible, if you're sad, I'm sad."

Clare couldn't help but smile. "But what if you being sad, makes me more sad because you're sad that I'm sad?"

"Then I guess I'd have to find a way to make us both happy."

Clare nodded and led Amy towards the house. "I want to meet my brother now." She tried to keep the smile on her face; however what Clare didn't share was that the ring had been blue for a very long time now. Bernadette had owned the ring before her, it had been blue when she died and it had been blue ever since.

It defied all reasonable explanation.

Yet, somehow it made perfect sense.

She ran her thumb over it for comfort. The unchanging colour reminded her of the unchanging fact that her mother was gone and her grief was unchanging.

And when she missed her the most, it served as a beautiful memory and a painstaking reminder.


	22. Chapter 22

Amy brought the car to a standstill, turned off the engine.

For a moment, the three occupants remained silent.

Sheldon was the first to break the silence. "This is it, my mother's house." He said. "Its Sunday tomorrow; please do not feel obligated to go with her to church."

Amy gave him a sideways glance. "She's Jewish, Sheldon."

He snorted. "Howard was never one for upholding his own heritage, what makes you think he would've taught Clare any different?" Sheldon turned in his seat, made eye contact with Clare. "Am I wrong?"

Clare shrugged. "I'm not really religious, but it's still a part of our family and I respect that."

"You know, Sheldon, if you had that attitude, you would argue with your mother a lot less." Amy interjected.

He tugged off his seatbelt, scowled. "My mother could recite every last page of the Bible out loud the whole time we're here for all I care; as long as I get to see Stewart, she can do whatever the heck she wants."

Despite the stormy expression, Clare was certain she saw an ounce of humanity in his eyes again – It was obvious to her then that the key to his emotions was his son. "I can't wait to meet him." She painted on a smile.

Amy unclipped her seatbelt, looked to Sheldon. "He'll be very excited to meet her."

"How can he be excited about a meeting he has no knowledge about?" After a moment of thought, he quickly thought better of the statement. "Well, he may not know you're coming, but he sure will like you."

"You don't know what to say, do you?" Clare asked. This was a question that had been doing circles in her mind from the moment she discovered he was her father. "You never thought that you would have to find these words."

He sighed. "You're right." Sheldon couldn't fault her insight; however brilliant he may have thought he was, there was no denying that he was painfully transparent. "You're as insightful as you are intelligent."

Amy swallowed back the lump that had formed in the back of her throat; she had prayed that this reunion would be all that she had dreamed of – Clare would click with them, there would been an instant bond and she would be the mother she wished she could've been all those years ago. Instead, it was painfully awkward. "I think we should show Clare in now." Her voice was no more than a whisper.

Without a word, Sheldon climbed out the car, walked up to his mother's front door, and opened it. He sighed to himself; it was beyond belief to him that Mary would choose to leave her door unlocked in such a way.

Amy, who had remained in the car, glanced over at the house. "This is big, isn't it?"

Clare slowly nodded. "I never even knew I had a brother." She nervously chewed her bottom lip. "I don't know what I'm going to feel."

"I'm hoping you'll love him for the sweet little boy that he is." Amy found her eyes filling up, the emotion threatened to overwhelm her. "Me and Sheldon, we're hugely dysfunctional, I'm not afraid to admit that; we've made a ton of mistakes." She suddenly stopped, wiped a runaway tear. "He's so young, so innocent; all I ask is that you don't judge him by what you know about us."

"I can do that." Whatever doubt that Clare may have had, she was able to push to the back of her mind. She got out of the car, walked around to the driver's side and offered Amy her hand. "We can do this together."

Amy clasped the young girl's hand. She took a moment to look down and noted that she was wearing a mood ring. "Clare?"

"What is it?"

Amy lifted up her opposite hand. "I'm wearing one of those too."

Clare relaxed into a smile. "I love them."

"Sheldon always tries to ruin it by reminding me that the colour change is determined by body temperature, but there's a little part of me that likes to believe it."

Clare relaxed into a giggle. "Me too."

Amy took a closer look at the ring; it was a brilliant blue. "You're still nervous though."

Clare nodded in the direction of Amy's finger; the colour of her ring, practically identical to her own. "You too."

"I am." She paused. "But I can't help but think you would've known that, with or without a piece of jewellery."

"Maybe so, but as long as we're wearing these, we won't have to second guess each other." In that moment, a five dollar ring became invaluable.

"Let's not take them off when we're with each other."

Amy nodded in agreement. "Maybe, whenever we wear them at the same time they will always be the same colour?" She didn't care how ridiculous it may have sounded to an outsider, if it made sense to Clare that was good enough for her.

"But, what if you're happy and I'm sad?"

"That's not possible; if you're sad, I'm sad."

Clare couldn't help but smile. "But what if you being sad, makes me more sad, because you're sad that I'm sad?"

"Then I guess I'd have to find a way to make us both happy."

Clare nodded and led Amy towards the house. "I want to meet my brother now."

Before they could even knock, the door flew open and out came Mary, a massive smile across her face. "Clare! My darling girl." Opening her arms, she pulled the young girl into her. "Shelly never told me you were coming; this is just the loveliest surprise."

Clare crouched down to lessen the height difference. She noted how Mary had a comforting smell; something close to gingerbread and talcum powder. "Well.. uh, May told me about Stewart and I wanted to..."

Mary took a step backwards to get a better look at her granddaughter. "Oh, you'll love him; he's just the cutest little thing." She brought a hand up, placed it on Clare's arm. "He's right inside, turn left and he's in the kitchen."

A nervous smile spread across her face. "This is it, then?"

Amy and Mary gave a simultaneous nod.

"Don't be nervous, Clare." Mary said. "The great thing about children is that they don't judge, all they want is someone to play with and be nice to them."

"Yes." Amy agreed. "He's got an impressive set of plastic dinosaurs. If you can make the right noises and make out like they're flying; you'll be his new best friend." She placed a hand on her shoulder. "We don't have to go in right now if you don't want to."

"I think we should go in." Her voice was confident, but her eyes betrayed her. "He's only little, nothing to be nervous about, right?"

"That's right, Darlin'." Mary pushed the door open as wide as it would go. "We're all rooting for you." She zipped up her jacket. "There are some weeds that need pulling out back; if any of you need me, just shout and I'll be there in a flash."

Clare wasn't sure how, but somehow, her legs carried her all the way to the kitchen.

Sheldon had his back to the door; his sleeves pulled up, it appeared as though he was washing up a plate. Alerted to their entry, he picked up a tea towel, dried his hands and turned to face them. "My mother should really keep on top of this; the sight of those dishes just sat there, make me want to vomit."

Not hearing what he had said, Clare's eyes were immediately drawn to the little boy sat at the table. A moment ago, the child had been preoccupied with his breakfast of egg and soldiers; however his attention was now fully on his Mom. "Mommy! You're here too!"

Amy walked over to where he was sat, pulled up a seat next to him.

Sheldon did the same; leaving Clare as the only one still standing.

"Now, tell me son, have you been well behaved for Mee Maw?" Sheldon's tone was serious, arguably too serious for interaction with a child of Stewart's age.

"Yes!" He beamed, revealing that his two front teeth were missing. "I even arranged her cereal for her, just like you like to do at home."

"In accordance to what?" Upon seeing the blank look on his son's face, Sheldon quickly rephrased. "In what order to did you arrange them, Stewart? Was it from A to Z, or was it to do with how much sugar or fibre was in them?"

He shook his head. "No silly, it's from yummy to icky."

Sheldon and Amy shared a smile.

Amy placed on hand on Stewart's shoulder. "We have missed you so much."

He grinned, placed a piece of toast in his mouth and chewed. "Do you like sea food, Mommy?"

"Yes I do, why?"

"See food!" Stewart opened his mouth as wide as it could go, revealing the mushed up toast that he had been chewing.

Sheldon rolled his eyes in Amy's direction. "I'd be inclined to ground him for bad manners, but it's just as much your fault for falling for that."

"Don't ground me, Daddy!"

"I'll let you off; it would seem that spending so much time with you cousins has made you a tad uncivilised." He ruffled his hair. "It's not their fault; George and Missy just don't have a clue."

Clare couldn't help but wonder how Sheldon could sit there and critisise his sibling's parenting whilst keeping a straight face. She cleared her throat to attract their attention.

Stewart looked her up and down, confused. "Are you a friend of Mommy and Daddy's?"

Clare hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Yes, but I'm a new friend."

Stewart pushed his breakfast away from him and got out of his chair. "Mommy and Daddy didn't tell me they had a new friend." He walked over to her. "You are really big; nearly as big as Daddy."

Amy blushed, embarrassed. "Stewart, we don't use the word big; we use the word tall."

Clare crouched down. "That's ok, I know what you meant." Now that she was face to face with him, she was taken off guard by just how alike they looked – the photographs she had seen had not done him justice. "Did the tooth fairy come when you lost your teeth?"

He smiled, poked his tongue through the gap where they used to be. "She sure did. I got a dollar for each tooth missing."

Out of the corner of her eye, Clare noticed Sheldon shaking his head; he was obviously not a fan of the tooth fairy myth. Judging by the swift kick she gave him under the table, it was clear that Amy was and she was not about to let Sheldon shatter that illusion.

"Oh wow!" Clare said. "You're rich now!"

"Not anymore, I spent it all on sweets."

"Out here, they say Candy." Amy added.

Stewart wrinkled his nose. "They say different things here, you know? I wanted a packet of crisps yesterday, but Mee maw says that I have to ask the shop person for chips." He said. "I then told Mee maw that chips are warm and soft, but then she said if wanted chips, I would have to ask for fries."

Clare couldn't help but smile. "I can see why you're confused. I've never been to England but I would probably be confused too if I did."

"Are you going to come visit us now that we're all friends now?"

"I'd like to." She momentarily looked away from him, somewhat uncomfortable. "But me and my Daddy usually go to India with his best friend."

"Is that close to my house?"

Clare shook her head. "I'm afraid not, buddy." She said. "But how about this, next time we go there, I'll write to you everyday?"

His look of disappointment was quickly replaced by a wide grin. "You will?"

"Of course."

"Is your Daddy our friend too?"

For a moment, the question knocked her off guard, however she quickly recovered. "Your Daddy and mine were actually friends before we were even born, how cool is that?"

"They were?" He asked. "Why doesn't he call us?"

Clare didn't have time to come up with an excuse, as Sheldon quickly interjected. "They're phones can't call other countries." He kept a straight face. "Only the really lucky people get to have phones that make calls that far; it's a lucky dip situation."

"Oh!" Stewart looked confused, but swallowed the lie all the same. "That's not fair."

Clare visibly flinched; it was hard to comprehend how someone could lie with such ease. "No, it really isn't." The words tasted bitter in her mouth, she wished she could spit them out before rinsing with a high potency mouthwash.

To Clare's relief, Stewart didn't dwell on the topic for long. "Would you like to see my toys?" My Mee maw bought me a phone. It's not real, but I use it to pretend that I'm talking to Santa Clause." He rushed from the kitchen into the living room. Within seconds, he returned with the toy in his hands. "It's not just for Santa; you can ring your Daddy."

Clare nervously chewed her bottom lip. "I don't know, Stewart. I'm not so good at make believe."

"Sure you are." He held out the phone to her, kept it there until she took it. "First you have to say ring- ring."

Clare humoured the little boy. "Okay, it's ringing really loudly; if it was night time, the whole house would've been woken up by it." She let out a little chuckle.

"Answer it then!" The young boy was positively brimming with excitement. "You have to be quick or your Daddy will put the phone down."

She pretended to press a button. "Hello Dad." She said. "How nice of you to call me."

Stewart leaned in. "What does he say?"

She paused for thought. "He says that he misses me and that he was worried about me taking the train without him." For a second, maybe even two, she was convinced that she really had heard those words.

"Oh no! Tell him not to be sad, we'll make sure you have fun whilst you're here." He patted her hand, a wise look in his eyes. "Tell him it will be so fun, that it will go by so quickly, that you will be back before he even knows you were gone."

Clare nodded, spoke into the toy. "Did you hear that, Dad...? You did?" She smiled at Stewart. "He did hear you."

"Does he feel better now?"

"Do you feel better now, Dad?" She pictured his response; however she wasn't going to voice this. "Uh, yes, yes he does feel better, Stewart."

"That's good! Now you've spoken to your Daddy, I can show you the rest of my toys."

Clare brought the phone to her ear for the last time. "Okay Dad, Stewart wants to show me his toys, but know that I love you and I'll be back real soon; promise me you'll wait." Lowering the phone, she pressed a button and passed it back to Stewart. "Thanks for letting me use your phone; that was even better than talking to Santa."

He held up his hands and shook his head. "I don't want it back. You keep it and whenever you miss your Daddy, you can call him on it, and then when you go home, you can call me on it."

Clare thought of the functioning mobile phone in her pocket; however she was unwilling to shatter the young boy's illusion. "Thank you, it's the best present I've ever had." Unzipping her bag, she carefully placed the phone in there."

He held out his little hand for her take. "Good! If you follow me, you can see all the other cool things I have! "Do you like Lego?"

"Like it? I love Lego!" Her voice was filled with genuine enthusiasm. "I hope you have Mr Potato head back there."

"I do." He was practically jumping up and down. "And Furbies! I have two Furbies; a boy one and girl one."

"Well what are we waiting for then?"

Sheldon spoke up. "Be sure to show her your race track." He said. "Bet she can beat you."

"Bet you she can't." He tugged Clare out the room. "C'mon we need to get started early if we're going to play with all my toys before bed time."

With that, Sheldon and Amy found themselves alone.

Amy watched as he diverted his attention back to the dishes discarded by the sink. "I can tell you won't settle until it's done." She stood up, picked up a bottle of soapy liquid and squirted it into the lukewarm water.

"It's been a while since you've done the dishes." He took hold of a lipstick stained wine glass and handed it to her.

"I liked the dish washer we had." She admitted. "After years of using it, it becomes strange to do it by hand."

Picking up a tea towel, Sheldon gestured for her to change places with him. "You dry; I know how cranky you get if your manicure gets ruined." Reaching over, he turned the tap, allowing a shot of hot water to rush over the crockery. "I think they must've had lasagne last night; there's nothing more frustrating than dried on cheese."

"It's usually best to let the dish soak over night in hot water and then scrub it clean the next morning."

"Sounds like a playground for bacteria if you ask me." Unable to see, he plunged his hand past the foam to make grab for another plate. "If it was me I would always clean it imedi..." Sheldon suddenly stopped talking, as a sudden sharp pain sliced through his palm. He took a sharp intake of breath through his teeth, his eyes widening in shock.

Confused by the change in him, Amy's eyes filled with concern. "Sheldon, what is it?" She glanced over at the sink. No response was needed as she noticed the water slowly turn a shade of red. Springing into action, she took him by the arm, pulled out a chair and guided him to a sitting position.

He held up his hand, his face paling at the sight of the blood. "Oh my..."

"It's alright, the water just made it look like it was worse than it is. Don't look at it- I don't want you fainting." Reaching over to the worktop, Amy retrieved a clean tea towel, wrapped it around the injured hand and applied pressure. "Did you catch yourself on a knife?"

He shook his head. "A glass must have broken apart."

Pausing for thought, she un-wrapped the towel and inspected the wound. To her relief it only appeared to be superficial. "There's no glass in it from what I can see. Just hold this over it until the bleeding stops. I'll clean it and put a bandage on afterwards."

Sheldon gestured to a cupboard over the other side of the room. "My mother keeps the first aid kit over there." He rolled his eyes. "I can't promise any fancy supplies, I just hope that any bandages she has are at least partway sterile."

Reaching for her handbag, she rummaged through until she produced a bandage, tightly sealed in a plastic wrapping. "Why take the risk when we've got this?" Reaching in again, she pulled out a pack of anti septic wipes and cleaned the wrapper. "Not strictly necessary, but it never hurt anyone to be extra cautious."

At the sight of this, he found himself overcome with a feeling that surprised even himself. "That's perfect; you're perfect!" The words were blurted out before he could even think about what he was saying.

Despite the animosity of the past few days that had hung over them, Amy found herself smiling. "That was unexpected." Despite her reservations, she briefly placed a hand on his knee.

"Can I speak frankly?"

"You may."

When you said that you were ending our relationship, I couldn't comprehend it." Sheldon continued onwards. "There are many things in my life that I could probably sacrifice, but not you; Never you."

Amy let go of the breath she had been holding. "I was angry, Sheldon." She replied. "I didn't mean it, sometimes I just act on impulse: I buy things I shouldn't, I act without thinking and as you saw, I say things in the heat of the moment."

"And that's okay." Sheldon said. "You may not be the same level headed woman you were before Clare was born, but I realise you've changed and after careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that I can live with it- in fact, I believe I can even love it."

She leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder. "Are we going to be okay?"

"We're going to be okay, maybe ever better." With his uninjured hand, he awkwardly reached into his pocket and produced the previously discarded engagement ring. "You don't have to put it back on if you don't want to, but I want you to have it, in the hope that you will eventually decide that you want to wear it again."

No words were needed, instead she held out her hand allowing him to place the ring back in its rightful place.

And that's, she was certain was where it would stay.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: I took a very long time with this chapter. I practically rewrote two chapters worth. It's very different from the first draft that I did a few years ago. My ideas for the story have changed drastically since I first started it. I lost motivation a few times, but over the past few weeks, I have returned to it and have managed to produce a massive amount.**

Leonard was lonely.

He would never admit it out loud, but at that moment in time, he had never felt more alone.

Yes, he may have been in a busy cafeteria, surrounded by dozens of people; however, the only person he wanted to talk to was nowhere in sight and probably wouldn't be again.

Leonard had become used to the idea of having Sheldon back in his life – Whilst Penny had braced herself for the eventual departure, Leonard had allowed himself to believe that his friend would once again be a permanent fixture.

This had been his downfall.

As a result of this unwavering optimism, Sheldon's swift exit had felt just as agonising as the first time.

Sat opposite him was Raj and Howard.

Raj had been talking incessantly, seemingly unaware that his two companions were making no effort to respond. "So anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's not that I don't believe that the chemistry department deserved that funding; it's just that their head of department has no class and my department would've been much more humble if we had been granted it."

Howard took a long swig from a can of cola. "Yeap, that professor Conway sure is a jerk." His voice was flat, uncaring.

"He sure is." Leonard agreed. He looked down at his plate, and realising he was not hungry, pushed it to the side.

Raj narrowed his eyes, let out a sigh of frustration. "Their name is Professor Garraway and he, is a she."

"Like it matters." Howard took another chug of his drink.

If this had offended Raj, he did a good job of hiding it. "Okay, I get it, neither of you are in the mood for chit chat." He said. "But that's okay."

"Nothing is okay." A hint of defiance was present in Leonard's voice.

"You're just pissed that your old roommate has done another bunk." Howard crossed his arms over his chest, leaned slightly back in his seat. "He's taken my daughter with him; that is a reason to be pissed off."

"So, you're saying I should just get over it?" Leonard asked, outraged.

Before Howard could respond, Raj quickly intervened. "Nobody's saying anything of the sort." Raj shot Howard a look, silently begging him to keep quiet. "This has been a rough few days for all of us; turning against each other will do nothing to make anyone feel better."

"It's hard not to when Leonard is acting like Sheldon is some sort of God, that we should all worship."

"I do not act like that." A group of students on the next table looked up from their phones. He lowered his tone. "I understand that you miss Clare."

"How can you? You're Lenny's biological father, you're never going to have to live with the fear of him finding out you're not the person he thought you were." Pausing for a moment, Howard took hold of his drink once more. "You probably can't even imagine it."

"I'm struggling with that too, Howard."

Howard shook his head. "No, you're not." He said. "Clare doesn't come into this as far as you're concerned; Sheldon has left and you want him back, just like you have wanted him back for nearly fifteen years."

He waved a dismissive hand. "That's not true."

"It is." Howard held Leonard's gaze. "You've never been able to let go of what happened; it has eaten away at you from the inside out."

"So you're telling me that you haven't felt the slightest bit guilty about the role you played that night?" He challenged. "You brought that drug into our apartment."

"And I'd do it again."

Leonard smacked his hand down on the table. "Really? You can honestly look me in the eye and tell me that the way Clare was conceived is of no issue to you?"

Howard shrugged. "You accidentally poisoned your roommate; it was an accident, but not one that I would change." He said. "None of us would change Clare being born, that's how we deal with it."

A look of disbelief spread across his face. "Accidental poisoning? You make it sound like I served him undercooked chicken." He said. "It was much more serious than that – he could've died. We should've been punished."

Raj stepped in, placed a comforting hand on Leonard's shoulder. "Knock it off, there was never any intention to cause him any harm." He said. "There was no way of knowing; the Sheldon we knew would never have downed a strange drink like that- especially not one that he thought had been touched by someone else"

Howard shrugged. "Well, he did down it."

Leonard nodded. "I don't understand why he did that either." He said. "But he was in a hurry, I don't know."

"What's the point in second guessing an action taken nearly fifteen years ago anyway?" Howard said. There was a slight slur to his words. This did not go unnoticed by his friends.

Raj quickly reached out and picked up the can of cola, sniffed it.

Sensing what was happening, Leonard spoke up. "If it's mixed with vodka, there won't usually be a smell."

Raj let out a sigh. "I think it's Jack."

Howard made a grab for the can and missed. "Raj, you're being ridiculous, it's just cola."

"If it's really just that, then you won't mind me taking a sip." He swapped the can to his opposite hand, moving it even further away from Howard's grasp.

"Actually, I do mind, there's not much left and I don't want to drink your back wash afterwards." There was a hint of panic in Howard's voice. "Just hand it over."

Raj put the can to his lips and drank. Disgusted, he spat it back into the can, slammed it down onto the table. "What the hell, dude?"

Ashamed, Howard diverted his eyes to the ground.

The first time had been when the doctors had informed them that Bernadette would not live longer than a year. The very next day, he had gone into work with a flask of coffee mixed with whiskey. Soon, he would keep a lemonade bottle full of vodka in his top drawer on a permanent basis; taking just enough sips to get him through the day, but not quite enough that his drunkenness would draw any attention

For a brief period after Bernadette's death, he had sworn to himself that he would stop – This lasted up until the funeral.

He knew he was getting worse.

He had not spoken to Clare since she had left two days ago. If the amount he drank was equal to how much he missed her, then there wasn't enough booze in the world.

"Oh, Howard." Leonard's voice was now full of sympathy; a stark contrast to Raj's outrage."

This only served to make the situation worse. Howard stood up abruptly, sending a bowl of pudding flying, straight into Leonard's lap. "I don't need your sympathy and I don't need to be patronised." He made a grab for the can in Raj's hand, stumbled.

Reacting fast, Raj dropped the drink and steadied his friend. He watched as the dark brown liquid spilled out onto the floor, staining his shoes. "You can barely hold yourself up." He said. "This is not cool; you need to go home."

Leonard took control. "Listen Howard, you need to go home and sleep it off." He placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder. "There's no point talking about this while you're in this state – So, just go home and we'll talk later."

"I agree." Raj said.

Leonard picked up a napkin, wiped the pudding off his trousers. "Just get a taxi home, we'll make up an excuse for you." He said. "We'll say you've been called into school to talk about Clare's grades or something."

Howard let out a loud sigh. "The school! I haven't even called them; they're gonna wanna know why she's not there." Panic was evident in his voice. "What am I gonna tell them? I can't just tell them that I let her be taken by them. I don't think it's even legal, is it?"

Leonard thought for a moment. "Technically, no." He awkwardly shifted in his seat. "If you wanted, you could call the police and they'd bring her straight back; if you could prove that you didn't consent to them taking her, I guess you could even press charges."

Raj shot Leonard the dirtiest look he could muster. "That is not happening." His tone was one of warning. "I don't know why you would even suggest that, are you crazy?"

"It's true though." He argued. "In the eyes of the law, Sheldon and Amy have no right to her."

"So, we get them arrested for kidnapping?" Raj could barely believe what he was hearing. "It's simple. We call them and tell them to bring her back – they're not exactly going to have her tied up in Mary's basement."

"What if they don't bring her back?" Howard interjected.

Raj found himself at boiling point. "You see what you do, Leonard? You're putting fears into his head that aren't rational."

"It's not irrational. They've kidnapped her." Howard argued.

Raj sighed. "It is not kidnap. She'll be back in her own time." He looked him full in the eyes. "You need to think about this carefully, if we call the police, they will forcibly bring her back. Do you really think that she will thank you for that?"

He shrugged. "She doesn't thank me when I make her do her homework, she doesn't thank me when I don't allow her to wear those awful mini skirts that Penny buys her, but does that mean I should let her get her own way?"

"Yes." Raj said. "Because, if you don't; she will always blame you for not giving her the chance to find out where she came from." His tone was firm.

Howard diverted his eyes to the ground, sighed and let his shoulders slump. "It just sucks."

"Of course it does, this whole thing blows." Leonard agreed. "We're all just so damn angry, depressed and regretful."

Raj nodded his head. "Yeah, feelings suck; sometimes, I wish I was a bagel."

"Me too." Howard agreed.

"I don't know about a bagel; I think I'd make a good burrito." Leonard said.

Raj nodded. "Possibly, I reckon you could just about pull it off." He then turned to look at Howard again. "It's time you went home; you can't work like this." He reached into his pocket and pulled out some notes. "Here, take this; use it to take a cab and give me the keys to your vesper."

Wordlessly, Howard reached into his pocket and surrendered the keys. "You guys suck, you know that, right?" Not waiting for their response, he stood up turned on his heel and walked away from them.

Half way to the exit, he was stopped in his tracks.

A woman in front of him shoved the vending machine in frustration. "Damn it! Damn the whole thing." Reaching down, she picked up the snack and tossed them in Howard's direction. "I thought it was chocolate raisons, I can't eat these." With a sigh, she stepped to the side and let Howard walk by her.

It wasn't until he had left the building that Howard took the time to look at what the angry woman had given him.

She was right, they were not chocolate raisons, but rather chocolate peanuts. "These are no use to me either." He said to himself. He glanced over at the trash can, meters away from him.

For a second, maybe even two, he considered throwing them away.

Instead, he sighed and placed them in his pocket.

oOo

The house had never looked worse.

If Clare had been here, Howard would've hidden the empty bottles. Now they just lay where they fell, strewn across the living room floor.

He lay back on the sofa and stared up at a picture of Bernadette.

He didn't want to be angry at her, but somehow, he was. He wondered why she didn't come to him when she knew that she wanted to tell Clare the truth.

Howard was not an unreasonable man.

At least he was pretty sure that he wasn't.

Yes, if Bernadette had come to him and said that she was ready to tell the truth, then somehow, Howard would have found a way of being okay with that.

He may not have understood to begin with, but he was pretty sure that he was not the kind of guy who would have been so against something that his wife would have felt like she could not come to him.

The sound of a door opening interrupted his thought.

"Hello." An elderly female voice. "It's me, Diana."

Howard internally berated himself for not locking the door.

He had lived next to Diana for longer than he could remember. She and his mother had once been particularly close. Even after her death, Diana had kept in touch, occasionally baby sitting Clare, until her health declined.

He quickly scrambled to his feet and surveyed the room, as if there was a chance he could tidy before she entered the room. All too soon, they were face to face. For a second, she paused to get her breath, leaning heavily against her walking stick.

Diana flicked her eyes around the room, taking in the scene before her. "Oh my..."

"Can I do something for you?" He attempted to smile- it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Well, I needed some butter." She said, hesitant. "My son brought me some ingredients for my recipes, but the silly boy forgot the butter."

"Okay, sure." Howard got to his feet and walked, not quite in a straight line to the fridge. Opening the door, he couldn't believe just how bear it was. The carton of milk had gone stale; the packet of bacon on the top shelf had long since passed its expiry date.

In fact, the only thing evening vaguely edible was the jar of strawberry jelly on the middle shelf. Howard was ashamed, how long had it actually been since he had done a proper grocery shop, made Clare a proper meal, that wasn't out of a can or microwavable?

He was better than this. He knew he was.

Diana hobbled into the kitchen, pulled out a chair and ordered him to sit. "Well, it looks like you don't have very much of anything, does it?" She opened the kitchen cupboards until she found what she was looking for. "What you need is a strong cup of black coffee."

"No I..."

She held up her hand, flicked on the kettle. "This is non optional, if your mother was here now and saw you like this, she would kick up one hell of a storm." She surveyed the room again. "So, how long?"

"How long what?" His voice was weak.

"How long have you had this alcohol problem for?" She continued, without letting him reply. "And before you tell me that you don't have a problem, it is not normal to be drunk at two in the afternoon and it is not normal for your living room floor to be decorated with liquor bottles."

He shrugged. "It's been a while. I couldn't tell you when one or two drinks in the evening after a stressful day, became a bottle a day."

"It crept up on me too." Heaping in three large spoonfuls of coffee into a stained mug, Diane poured boiling water over it. "I admit instant coffee is the worst." She placed the mug down in front of him. "But you're going to drink the whole thing."

He did as he was told.

"That's good." She walked to the sink and filled up a large glass with water, handed it to him. "Now drink this."

"I'd puke."

She shook her head. "It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, considering what you've been drinking."

Reluctantly, he placed the glass to his lips and downed it. "Happy?"

"Not yet." She said. "I'm going to be back tomorrow, okay? I don't ask much, but what I need you to be is sober when I get here. You don't need to do much, just be sober, clean shaven and wearing clean clothes. Can you manage that?"

Howard paused, slowly nodded.

"Good, now where is Clare? Is she at School?"

"She's not here, right now." He paused. "Her birth parents showed up out of the blue and she's gone to Texas with them. That's where her grandmother lives."

"What on earth? I knew the truth would come out eventually, your mother always said that not telling her that she's adopted would come back around and bite you on the ass" She placed her hands on her hips. "And when exactly is she coming back?"

He shrugged.

"Well, maybe under the circumstances, its best that she isn't here, at least for a few days anyway." Diana picked up the empty glass and put it in the sink. "I'm going to help you get yourself together and then when she comes back, you can show her just what kind of father you are, because I'm sure as hell not letting you end up like the dead beat loser your own father was."

"I'm nothing like my father." For the first time that day, there was a passion in his voice. "I love my kid. I'd never leave her."

"Then you better damn well start acting like it." She replied. "Good fathers don't drink themselves silly when they should be looking after their children. The girl has just lost her mother and instead of helping her with her grief, you're slowly killing yourself. You may feel invincible now, but the longer this goes on, the more damage you're doing to yourself- take it from someone who knows."

Howard knew she was right.

He could think of no response.

"Would you like my help, Howard?" She asked.

He merely nodded.

She placed a hand on his shoulder. "I will be here early tomorrow, just be up, dressed and ready."

"Ready for what?"

"You'll see when I get here." She began the slow walk to the exit. "Don't disappoint me Howard, I'll know if you've been drinking."

oOo

Howard awoke the next morning. As requested, he had showered and changed. He stood in front of the mirror, studying the bags under his eyes. His skin felt clammy and his head was fuzzy.

The unmistakable hangover loomed large over him.

He knew this must be a good thing; the alcohol had left his system. For the first time in a long time, he had survived the night without a drink.

Howard thought that surely this would feel good?

He had made the first step. If anything, his body should be thanking him, right? It should have been so pleased that he should be doing cartwheels right now. Instead, it had betrayed him. He was nauseous and miserable.

Far from congratulating him, his body was screaming out, begging him to just take one tiny swig.

It seemed like a betrayal.

His mind was cheering him on, urging him to keep it up for Clare; his body on the other hand, didn't give a crap.

His body wanted alcohol and made no such considerations for whether or not it would make him a good father.

Now that he was thinking about it, his body had never been that supportive in his fatherhood journey.

Howard could remember when Clare did not sleep through the night. She would cry, wanting to be held or needing a feed. The loving father in him had an immediate urge to go to her – his body on the other hand had protested, his eyes were heavy, desperate to sleep. It took all his will to force them open and drag himself to her crib down the corridor.

Then, as she got older, she would ask for piggybacks. By the time she was eight, she was far too big. Howard had been happy to indulge her- His legs on the other hand had screamed no! They burned and his knees had buckled, but still he tried.

Yes, his body had never cared much about the bigger picture or doing the right thing.

"Hold it together." He said to the empty room. He took deep and steady breaths. "Just keep holding it together."

From downstairs, he heard the door creak open.

Diana had arrived.

He took one last look in the mirror, picked up a comb, ran it through his hair and tucked his shirt into his trousers.

"You better be up and ready, otherwise, I'm going to be hella mad." Diana's voice travelled far.

Howard took a sip of water from the dressing table, cringed to find it was stale. He ran his tongue over his chapped lips. "Yes, Diana, I'm ready." He didn't feel ready.

"Get down here and show yourself." She ordered. "I swear to God, if I have to come up there with my bad hip, there will be trouble."

Distracted, he went to place the glass back on the table, missed and it fell to the floor. He swore under his breath. "I'm ready, just give me a second."

"Make sure it is just a second, I'm not getting any younger."

Howard removed the stool away from the table and got to his knees. He was relieved to find that although the carpet was soaked, the glass had remained in tact. He reached for the glass and then stopped. Out of the corner of his eye, he had spotted a hair pin.

Slowly, he picked it up and studied it.

Bernadette used to use a multitude of them. They were pretty unremarkable; small, plastic and double pronged, with little bumps running up and down one side. When Bernadette was alive, there wouldn't be a day that would go by that Howard wouldn't step on one or find in weird places. She seemed to have a never ending supply that would inevitably fall out and end up dotted all around the house.

After she died, Howard would still continue to find them, however, without the woman herself to replenish the supply, eventually they were gone.

Until today that was.

Back then, he would have placed them in her purse that invariably sat on the kitchen table. After she was gone, he would enter autopilot and it wouldn't be until he reached the kitchen that he would remember. With no purse to place them in, he would throw them into the bin with a heavy heart.

Not today though.

He placed the pin in his pocket. He needed that little piece of her with him today.

oOo

Howard stood in Diana's driveway.

She placed the keys to her SUV in his hand. "You can drive, can't you?" She asked. "I know you haven't owned a car in years, but I presume you can drive one."

Bewildered, Howard slowly nodded. "Sure I can, but why?"

"Well I can't drive anymore and there's no way I'm walking all the way to the store, no way."

He raised an eyebrow. "If you need something from the store, I can just go grab it for you."

"Oh no, mister." She said. "This is not for me. We are going to that store and we are buying everything that girl needs. If she's coming home to you, then she will need full cupboards and all the other essentials."

"She has all that she..." Suddenly doubting himself, Howard trailed off.

Picking up on this, Diana nodded. "Exactly. You've probably not thought about any of this in a very long time, have you?"

Ashamed, he looked down at the floor. "I thought she was fine."

"How could she be fine, Howard? She is fourteen, still a child and still needs looking after." Diana hated being so tough, but ultimately, she knew it was necessary. "Whether you like it or not, that couple are in a better position to care for her and if you have a cat's chance in hell of getting her back, you have to prove beyond doubt that you are the better parent."

"Of course I'm the better parent." His nostrils flared. "I raised her for fourteen years; she's my baby, not theirs."

"It's good to hear some passion in your voice, boy. Now use that fight, get in the damn car and drive me to the store."

Howard couldn't help but smile. "I can do this." He pressed the key fob and held open the door for her.

oOo

Diana had rented a mobility scooter from the front desk of the mall and had been whizzing in front of Howard in the aisles. If she was to be honest with herself, she probably could have managed the shopping trip without it, but there was something quite liberating about it.

"I didn't realise those things were so fast." Howard caught up to her and placed a large box of Cheerios and a packet of chocolate chip cookies into the basket that Diane had attached to her scooter. He scanned the shelf next to him, selected a jar of chocolate spread and some strawberry jam. "She might want some marmalade too." He shrugged and placed the jar in anyway.

Diana studied the basket.

It was now brimming with food; From apples and oranges, to broccoli and cauliflower, to ham to steaks, to eggs, butter and milk. Howard had also gone slightly overboard with the junk food. Overcome with realisation that he had somewhat neglected her, he had been eager to fill up on all her favourite foods.

Diana had been sceptical when she saw all the chocolate cake, gummy bears, Mountain Dew and Cheetos, however, she had decided to let him get on with it. She imagined that Clare would probably be more than happy with the selection. She even held her tongue when he threw in five bags of marshmallows.

"Hey, Howard, do you think maybe we should add some more fruit?" The apples and oranges had become buried underneath the cookies. Not waiting for a response, she steered her scooter towards the appropriate aisle. "Pick some."

Howard considered this for a second. "She likes Kiwis and strawberries." He picked up the boxes and added them to the pile. "Oh.. And blueberries too, she can't get enough." After adding them to the trolley, he had another light bulb moment. "Cherries, she would love cherries."

Diana smiled. "That's more like it. Just add some potatoes and carrots, then we've got more than enough food."

He did as instructed. "Great, lets check out."

She shook her head. "All we got is food."

He looked confused.

"Oh c'mon, Howard." Diana said. "You need to get your head in the game. Think outside the box." She beckoned him, steering her scooter down the aisles until she found the aisle that she was looking for. She gestured to the shelves. "Shampoo, conditioner and shower gel."

"Oh..." He said.

"You haven't been buying her any of this stuff?"

"Uh... she just uses what I use." He said. "Bernadette always used to get that stuff and she was good at it too. She knew what Clare liked."

"She can't use what you use!" Diana sounded exasperated. "She doesn't want to smell like a man and she doesn't need to use anti dandruff shampoo. You pick her a girly shower gel and choose her a shampoo that's right for her hair."

Daunted, Howard took a step closer to the shelf and studied the bottles. "This one treats split ends, this one treats greasy hair and this one is for frizzy hair." He paused for a moment and read the labels, fancy labels that he recognised from television commercials. He saw words such as Rainforest Fresh, Strawberry explosion and Honey infusions. "Jeez, why do there need to be this many different ones?"

"It's not that complicated Howard." She said. "Can you not remember what she uses?"

He closed his eyes and visualised the bathroom, Bernadette and Clare's stuff cluttering up the shower floor. He saw a bright orange bottle, with a floral print running up the side of it. Both his wife and daughter would use it.

He could smell it in both of their hair when they were close by.

He could almost smell it now.

Mango.

He was sure the scent was mango. He darted his eyes up and down each shelf until the bright orange caught his eye. It was a sight he had not seen in so long.

He grabbed a bottle, and then another and then another after that just to be sure. Satisfied, he placed them in the basket. "There, it will take her months to get through all that, she won't be short for a very long time." He paused for a second and took another. "Make that a very, very long time."

Diana reversed and reached for a shower gel. "Well, if we're going for Mango shampoo, we may as well do the same for shower gel. How many?"

"Four!" He changed his mind, shook his head. "No, get five and also grab a couple bars of soap just in case she'd rather use that instead. Don't forget hand soap, she might want hand soap too, get at least two of them."

She shook her head, but did as asked regardless. "They will still stock this stuff next week and the week after." She said. "We're not stocking up for some kind of apocalypse."

Howard couldn't help but laugh. "She wouldn't need shampoo if there was an apocalypse, we'd all be dead."

"Some kind of Zombie apocalypse then; a smart girl like her could easily survive one."

"She's been planning it since she was eleven actually." Howard said. "She goes on those online forums and discusses survival tactics with other weirdoes, I'm pretty sure she left her notebook at the house actually."

"A notebook about surviving the zombie apocalypse?"

"Yeap, a big one. Spiral." He paused. "It's a pain in the ass because she's left handed."

Diana rolled her eyes. "That wouldn't have been a problem back when I was her age. If you were left handed the teacher would tie your hand behind your back until you learned how to write with your right hand."

Howard opted to change the subject. "Is there anything else I'm missing?"

She leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Feminine hygiene products."

Howard felt himself blush. "What... you mean like..?" Embarrassed, he trailed off.

"You know, Tampons, pads and the like. Anything she may need when she has her monthly visitor." She replied. "Please tell me that you have at least been buying her them? Bernadette has been gone six months now; you can't honestly think that she hasn't had one in that time."

Howard looked down at the ground. "I would have if she had asked. I don't get why she didn't just ask."

"She shouldn't have had to have asked." Despite the statement, there was no judgement in her voice. "She's probably just had to go to the school nurse. That's what most girls do when they have no other option."

"She did have options. I wouldn't deny her anything." At that moment, Howard wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole. "Whilst I was buying drink, she was going without and I didn't even realise it. I thought I was doing ok, you know?"

Diana placed a hand on his arm. "I understand. I thought I was doing okay too. I used to send my children to school in un-ironed clothes. It wasn't deliberate, I was just plain drunk. You have forgotten about all these basic things because you've been hammered."

"You know... I can't remember the last time I went a day without it."

"If you keep going, there will be a lot more you can't remember." She pointed to the end of the aisle, guiding him to where they needed to go. "Stick with me and I'll help you through it."

oOo

Howard couldn't believe how tidy the house was. Diana had been insistent that they stopped off at the cleaning product aisle. Armed with, bleach, antibacterial wipes, furniture polish and floor cleaner, Howard had spent the afternoon transforming the place. The stale smell of hard liquor and takeaway pizza had been replaced with a fresh lemon scent, and the clothes that had littered the floor were now washed and neatly folded.

Diana ran her finger along the furniture, searching for dust. "Not a speck to be found. Your mother would be so proud."

Howard massaged his wrist. "I can't believe how much ironing I've done. There was like a mountain of clothes." He said. "Anyway, her wardrobe is full with clean clothes. She needs them."

She pointed to the corner of the room. "That vacuum cleaner better be used on a daily basis now. I bet it hadn't seen the light of day since Bernadette..."

"Don't worry; I intend to keep on top of this now." He looked around the room, smiled. "It feels like home again. I can almost see my Mother sat at the kitchen table, Clare upstairs doing her homework and Bernadette sat on the couch watching some reality crap."

"Well, I'm afraid Bernadette and your Mom won't be walking through that door again, but if you keep this up, I very much think that Clare will be." She replied. "This is the home that she wants and you're the only parent she needs. She may not be all that happy with you at the moment, but you've got the rest of your life to prove to her that you're the best father."

Howard took a deep breath. "By going sober?"

Diana nodded. "Yes, by going sober." She said. "I'm not going to tell you that today is the day that you stop for good. I can't make you promise that, because, it's a damn unrealistic goal. The next few days are going to be terrible; you're going to feel like crap."

"I already feel like crap."

"You're going to be desperate to drink. There will be times where you wish you were dead." She paused for affect. "Literally, you will be lying in bed, your body will be crying out for it and you're going to think that you would rather be dead than go another second without it."

"I know." His voice was barely a whisper.

"You don't, Howard. You may think you do, but trust me, you have no idea about the hell you're about to go through." She said. "You're about too though; real soon, you will have one of the worst experiences of your life, but..."

"But..." He prompted.

"If you don't, then you won't get your daughter back, it's a simple as that." She pointed a finger of warning. "And that will be worse, much worse. The state will get involved, you'll be declared unfit and she will be dragged away from you."

"I need to do this." There was determination in his voice.

"You do, but please don't set yourself up for a fall." She said. "This isn't all or nothing. You are going to slip up, everyone does. There will be times, where you have that drink, but it's not the end, it doesn't mean you have failed. You need to keep going. I don't care if you mess up, it's how you get through it. If you drink, you admit it, you seek help; you do whatever it takes to get yourself back on the wagon."

"I hear you."

"I hope so, I really do." She walked over to the kitchen cabinets, opened them. "I'm pouring all you have down the sink." Diana pulled out every bottle she could find, unscrewed the lid and watched as the potent liquids swirled around the plug hole, before disappearing for good. "Now, I'm guessing these aren't the only ones you have?"

Howard shook his head, got to his knees and pulled out another two bottles from underneath the couch. He handed them to Diana. He opened the fridge and pulled out a carton of juice. "This isn't pineapple juice. Clare hates Pineapple, so I knew she wouldn't know it was there"

Within seconds, the bottles had been emptied. "It's surprising how creative a person can become when it comes to hiding alcohol... I'd tell you what I used to do, but I don't want to give you any ideas."

Howard picked up the empty bottles and flung them into the recycling bin. "What happens now?"

"You get through this anyway you can." She picked up the recycling bin. "I'm going to empty this now, is there anything else you want to get rid of?"

There was. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the chocolate peanuts. Wordlessly, he added them to the pile.

Diana nodded. "Good call." She said. "This isn't the end. You have my number, from now on, consider me your sponsor. Every weak moment you have, you call me, ok? Next week, we'll go to AA, I'll introduce you to some of my friends there."

Howard was overwhelmed. "I don't know what to say, how do I thank you?"

"By getting yourself together; I want you to be the man you were before drink found you."

All he could do was nod.

"I'm going to go now." She said. "I need you to be strong okay?" With that she made her way to the door, satisfied that she had got through to him. She was both hopeful and apprehensive for him.

Once the door had closed, Howard sat down at the kitchen table and drummed his fingers. "Now what?" He asked the empty room, but of course he already knew. He picked up his phone and searched his contacts until he found his daughter's number.

It rang several times before he got her voicemail.

He took a deep breath.

"Clare, it's your Dad." He said. "I'm sorry, I know I've been pretty lousy father, but that's all going to be different from now on. I just need you to come home, alright? Just come home and I promise you that things are going to get better." He paused. "You may not want to right now and I get that, but I know that you're meant to be here with me, I need you to trust me on that. I will fight for you; I always have done and I always will. So, just call me and I will be there, I will come and pick you up."

With that, Howard put the phone down.

He wasn't giving up on her.


End file.
